


the soapbox

by MisPronounce_and_MisAccent



Series: troll gay & other concepts [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy With An Emotional Core, Coming Out, Dave Strider Character Study, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Found Family, Gay Dumbassery, Gen, Hugs, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Meteor Crew as a Family, Meteorstuck, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pining, Retcon Timeline, Sibling Bonding, and human romance to a lesser extent, awkwardness as a form of intimacy, dave and kanaya have a gardening club, just a bit for flavor, rose and dave being the funniest characters in all media, through the study of troll romance, touch starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26148022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisPronounce_and_MisAccent/pseuds/MisPronounce_and_MisAccent
Summary: DAVE: look its like im standing on a soapboxDAVE: and yall are hovering around me in the town square of some village with so much goddamn dirt on its cobblestones so you know its in both monetary and moral squalorDAVE: but not for long cause im about to impart godly knowledge on youDAVE: about troll romance
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider
Series: troll gay & other concepts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080941
Comments: 133
Kudos: 250





	1. Chapter 1

KARKAT: I PRAY TO WHATEVER NONEXISTENT GODS WOULD EVEN DARE BEND AN EAR TO LISTEN TO ME THAT YOU NEVER SAY ANOTHER GODDAMN WORD, LEST YOU TEAR DOWN THE ADMITTEDLY VERY LITTLE LEFT OF PARADOX SPACE WITH YOUR INEXORABLE CYCLE OF WILLFUL IGNORANCE AND BULLSHIT SENTENCES.

DAVE: so

DAVE: kismesis isnt a hatefuck thing then

KARKAT: NO!

KARKAT: THAT’S SO GODDAMN REDUCTIVE! IF YOU HAD ROOTED AROUND YOUR HUMAN THINKPAN AND RUBBED TOGETHER YOUR LAST TWO IDEA CELLS FOR A MOMENT YOU MIGHT'VE, WITH ANY LUCK, GOTTEN THAT.

DAVE: look dude i just dont think theres hope for me on this one

DAVE: like im down to go to the vantas college of card suit bullshit romance but i just dont have that natural aptitude

KARKAT: THIS REALLY ISN’T AT ALL DIFFICULT!

DAVE: heres the thing teach

DAVE: you can put labels all you like but this all just looks like human relationships to me

DAVE: i dont see why you gotta slap all these dumbass portmanteaus on what everyone already gets is a thing

KARKAT: AND IF BY ‘EVERYBODY’ YOU MEAN ‘HUMANS’ THEN FIRST OF ALL FUCK YOU AND SECOND OF ALL WE OUTNUMBER YOU FOUR TO TWO.

KARKAT: I GUESS FIVE, IF YOU COUNT GAMZEE.

DAVE: i absolutely fucking dont count gamzee

DAVE: but if you want five ill give you the mayor

DAVE: only counting bitches i see and tolerate

DAVE: but yeah no about romance

DAVE: you got your fucking uh

DAVE: whats the platonic one

KARKAT: NEAR-OFFENSIVELY REDUCTIVE, BUT ‘MOIRAIL’.

DAVE: cant even make that sound with my mouth

DAVE: fuckin bug aliens

DAVE: but whatever so ‘moirails’, super close bros who love each other a mad amount and are chill with one-hundred percent platonic, no homo physical contact, and its just as big a deal as troll boyfriends/girlfriends, etc, right

KARKAT: THERE HAVE BEEN WORSE DESCRIPTIONS.

KARKAT: NOTABLY, BY YOU.

DAVE: haha yeah im just really goddamn funny

DAVE: point is

DAVE: humans do that, man

DAVE: like not as much i guess and youre still gonna get some looks cause like, dude, thats still pretty fucking gay, besides at that point just get married right?

DAVE: but people have platonic life partners or fuck-free relationships sometimes 

KARKAT: I HAVE SEEN LITERALLY NO PROOF OF THIS.

KARKAT: WHENEVER WE WATCH ONE OF YOUR MOVIES EVERYTHING IS SO OVERWHELMING FLUSHED. IT’S CRIMSON AS A HUMAN BLOODBATH AND IT IS HONESTLY UNBALANCED AND MONOTONOUS TO THE POINT OF BEING PAINFUL TO WATCH!

DAVE: yeah i dont know people like romance in movies

DAVE: and we just dont see the platonic shit at that same level so when we want romance we just do the uh

KARKAT: FLUSHED

DAVE: the flushed shit yeah

DAVE: but i dont know dude me and rose talked about this a little bit but like for better or worse humans just really dig that traditional romance shit

DAVE: platonic just aint as important

DAVE: but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen

KARKAT: I’M DOUBTFUL.

DAVE: yeah man i can tell

KARKAT: QUADRANTS IS THE ONLY LOGICAL WAY TO HAVE A ROMANCE SYSTEM, SO I’M GLAD YOU ARE FINALLY SEEING SOME SENSE ON THAT FRONT.

KARKAT: BUT YOU CAN’T JUST SWITCH YOUR POSITION ON THE ENTIRETY OF HUMAN ROMANCE WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT.

DAVE: no dude look

DAVE: i genuinely could not give less of a shit about any of this since newsflash bro both our societies are dead so does any of it really matter

DAVE: but if im gonna be chilling with a fuckin romcom conosuier for the next two and a half years i might as well ‘get’ it you know

DAVE: and now that im thinking about it yeah no this is just human romance with bullshit titles

KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT KISMESIS

DAVE: thats the not-hatefucking one right

KARKAT: YES

KARKAT: WELL

KARKAT: IT SOMETIMES INVOLVES HATEFUCKING

DAVE: knew it

KARKAT: BUT IT’S PRIMARILY ABOUT RIVALRY, AND BEING ATTRACTED TO A PERSON FOR THE FEELING OF COMPETITION. YOU ENJOY THEIR COMPANY IN THE WAY THEY MAKE YOU STRIVE TO DO BETTER, TO BE BETTER THAN THEM.

KARKAT: WHICH DOES SOMETIMES LEAD TO HATEFUCKING.

DAVE: hmm yeah no that tracks

DAVE: wed prolly still just call that normal attraction and maybe slap some sappy ending on it but sure that feels like something humans would do

DAVE: i dont fuck with romcoms but i had enough conversations with bad taste egbert to know that a bunch of those start out with people being competitive and getting the hots for someone way better than them

KARKAT: AND ASHEN?

DAVE: dude i aint got even a single clue what that is

KARKAT: THE CLUBS ONE

DAVE: nope still no idea

KARKAT: WHERE A RIVALRY GETS HEATED, NEARING THE LEVEL OF KISMESISTUDE OR VIOLENCE, A THIRD PARTY CAN INTERVENE.

DAVE: and

KARKAT: AND THAT THIRD PARTY IS THE AUSPISTICE?

DAVE: wait one of yalls relationships is just a different type of relationship plus someone to keep them from actually fucking/killing each other?

KARKAT: YES?

DAVE: hahaha holy shit dude

DAVE: i mean yeah we got that i guess but people aint dating their marriage counselor

DAVE: really though cant claim that one for human people thats fucking crazy

KARKAT: IT IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL AND USEFUL RELATIONSHIP!

DAVE: sounds like exploitation to me dude

DAVE: sucks for the auspitit seems like theyre just being a therapist for no pay

KARKAT: IT’S AUSPISTICE

KARKAT: AND I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THIS!

DAVE: karkat come one

DAVE: that is a kind of wild thing to place on the same value level as your boyfriend or alien super-close platonic bro

DAVE: just like priorities

KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S JUST SOMETHING YOU CAN’T COMPREHEND BECAUSE YOUR STUPID WEAK SOCIETY DIDN’T HAVE INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT ACTUALLY DIRE ENOUGH TO NEED IT!

DAVE: hmmmm maybe

DAVE: hey do you think they just made it so the clubs one had three people just to fit with the three circles design

DAVE: bet they did

DAVE: so goddamn stupid

DAVE: then what if theres three mad-close bros? or three trolls all hatefucking? hell even three boyfriends

DAVE: setting a dangerous precedent

KARKAT: SOMETIMES I JUST LET YOUR WORDS PASS OVER ME WITHOUT MAKING A SINGLE ATTEMPT TO PARSE THEIR MEANING. AND EVERY TIME I DO I WONDER WHY THIS ISN’T JUST MY DEFAULT STATE. 

DAVE: ha ha but dude i just had an idea

KARKAT: FUCK

DAVE: im gonna study this shit

KARKAT: OH NO

DAVE: aw hell yeah man

DAVE: interview yall and everything

DAVE: find out all the real gossip about dumbass romance x4

KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK

DAVE: cause its clearly just human experiences with troll labels slapped onto it

DAVE: and im bored

DAVE: and like i dont think those romcoms could in any universe be considered ‘good’ but they sure are a lot worse when i have no idea what the fuck theyre talking about

DAVE: plus you already seem really annoyed so thats a plus

KARKAT: WELL THERE GOES ANY MOTIVATION TO HELP YOU WITH THIS

DAVE: youre not the only troll on the meteor dude

DAVE: theres a goddamn legion of troll girls on this meteor that i could talk to about this who are 

DAVE: no offense 

DAVE: actually in relationships 

KARKAT: FUCK YOU

DAVE: hey speaking of

DAVE: were you ever into me

KARKAT: 

KARKAT: WHAT.

DAVE: i mean look yall got all these quadrants you must have had the hots for me in one of them

KARKAT: WOW, AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS, YOUR NARCISSISM *STILL* MANAGES TO ASTOUND ME.

KARKAT: CONGRATULATIONS!

DAVE: cmon you had a thing for *john* and like hes great but i cant be less popular than the most nerd ass guy ive ever met

KARKAT: FUCK YOU I DID NOT HAVE A ‘THING’ FOR EGBERT.

KARKAT: I WAS DEALING WITH A VERY STRESSFUL SITUATION AND I LATCHED ONTO THE FIRST PERSON OUTSIDE MY SOCIAL CIRCLE I SAW, AND IT TOOK ME TWO FUCKING MINUTES TO REALIZE HE WASN’T SOMEONE *ANYONE* COULD HAVE PITCH FEELINGS FOR, LET ALONE ME.

DAVE: you mean he rejected you

KARKAT: THAT WAS ALSO PART OF IT, SURE!

DAVE: so what am i missing

DAVE: you only go for guys with glasses and buck teeth and the bluest goddamn eyes to ever exist like did he steal those out of an anime or

KARKAT: ACTUALLY

DAVE: oh holy shit

KARKAT: SHUT UP

KARKAT: I *MIGHT* HAVE *CONSIDERED* BEING PITCH FOR YOU, FOR ALL OF THREE DAYS.

DAVE: thats considerably longer than you were into john 

DAVE: suck it egbert

DAVE: wherever that guy is

KARKAT: YOU WERE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND IT MADE ME SO PISSED, BUT A THING ABOUT PITCH ROMANCE, FOR YOUR SO-CALLED ‘RESEARCH’:

KARKAT: YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO SPEND TIME AROUND YOUR KISMESIS, HAVE TO ACTUALLY ENJOY THE RIVALRY, AND I MOSTLY JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE ANNOYING AND WANTED YOU TO FUCK OFF!

DAVE: ouch

KARKAT: BY THE TIME WE ACTUALLY STARTED HANGING OUT, IT WAS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT YOU WERE WAY TOO PATHETIC TO ACTUALLY HATE.

KARKAT: MAYBE EVEN MORESO THAN EGBERT!

DAVE: goddamn dude

DAVE: but help me out here

DAVE: dont yall have a fetish for patheticism

DAVE: aint pitiful bitches just a deeply sexy thing for trolls

DAVE: important research info here

KARKAT: IF YOU’RE REFERRING TO THE PALE QUADRANT, THEN STILL FUCKING NO! MOIRAILS ARE CONCILIATORY; IT ISN’T A FETISH THING BECAUSE IT ISN’T FUCKING SEXUAL.

DAVE: didnt answer my question

KARKAT: NO I’M NOT FUCKING PALE FOR YOU.

KARKAT: YOU’RE MY FRIEND AND I LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU, FOR SOME FUCKING REASON, BUT THAT JUST ISN’T HOW I SEE YOU.

KARKAT: SORRY.

DAVE: no need to apologize dude

DAVE: i know my worth

KARKAT: WERE YOU EVER INTO ME?

DAVE: oh what

KARKAT: IT’S A FAIR QUESTION.

DAVE: dude no uh

DAVE: i mean not that youre not hot shit

DAVE: like the sharp teeth dude wow

DAVE: but im not gay

KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU— 

KARKAT: OH FUCK IS THAT LIKE THAT ‘HOMOSEXUAL’ THING JOHN WAS ON ABOUT

DAVE: holy shit did he actually say homosexual

DAVE: he was the only one of us who actually fucking went into the outside world did he never fucking learn how to talk

DAVE: yeah anyway its the same shit 

DAVE: i mean if you asked rose shed probably say some shit about ‘umbrella terms’

DAVE: but the point is

DAVE: no one says homosexual

KARKAT: SO.

KARKAT: YOU AND JOHN BOTH HAPPEN TO ‘NOT BE GAY’.

DAVE: you sound suspicious

KARKAT: IT JUST SEEMS LIKE WEIRD ODDS THAT NEITHER OF YOU ARE AT ALL ATTRACTED TO MEN.

DAVE: ‘men’ is a really strong descriptor for you, a guy who is just out of troll middle school

DAVE: but anyway i mean neither is rose

DAVE: probably

DAVE: jurys out about jade i guess

KARKAT: THAT JUST SEEMS, PROBILITY WISE, UNLIKELY.

DAVE: look just cause all trolls got that bi genes but that aint the way with human people

KARKAT: ISN’T YOUR WHOLE POINT WAS THAT HUMANS AND TROLLS AREN’T DIFFERENT IN TERMS OF ATTRACTION?

DAVE: thats about quadrants dude

DAVE: but i mean fuck i dont know

DAVE: surely some of yall only ever hook up with one gender even if you aint got like

DAVE: a word for it

KARKAT: I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE HAVE A PREFERENCE BUT IT ISN’T A STANDARDIZED *RULE*.

KARKAT: WHY EVEN CATEGORIZE PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

KARKAT: WE DON’T HAVE A WORD FOR BEING ATTRACTED TO A SPECIFIC BLOOD COLOR EITHER, THAT WOULD BE FUCKING STUPID.

DAVE: look dude i cant tell you

DAVE: all i know is gay is a real thing and i aint it

KARKAT: IT FEELS LIKE AN UNNECESSARY LABEL.

KARKAT: BUT IT ISN’T LIKE THERE’S A GREAT MALE POPULATION YOU’RE DISAPPOINTING.

DAVE: just you?

KARKAT: I’LL SURVIVE.

==>

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  \-- 

TG: hey rose can i borrow your girlfriend

TT: Surely, if I had one. 

TG: oh forgive me i mean your maidsprout

TT: First of all, pretending not to know the names of quadrants only works with Karkat.

TT: Second, I am, tragically, lacking in that department as well.

TG: wait youre being honest

TG: goddamn its been like six months i thought yall were supposed to have alchemized the uhaul by now

TT: Stereotypes, Dave.

TG: aint my fault youre not living up to them

TG: anyway since youre being obstinate

TG: wheres kanaya

TT: I don’t know why you’d think I would know.

TG: lalonde.

TT: She may be with me at the moment.

TT: She asks why you’re looking for her?

TG: oh im writing a thesis about troll romance

TT: Hmm.

TT: I didn’t think you’d be the one of us to go down this route, but I suppose it’s something to do.

TT: I assume you have questions for her?

TG: yeah figured id start with her

TG: karkats acting like he aint gonna help me and i think ive got all the info out of him i can get by riling him up till he gets pissed and corrects me

TG: and i know terezis just gonna make up some bullshit to trip me up if i go into the conversation without knowing anything

TT: What about our dear Vriska?

TG: just assume whenever i say terezi that vriskas also there

TG: engaging in the same anti-dave cruelty

TT: You have suffered like no one else, all at the hands of troll girls.

TT: It’s a miracle you can even find it in yourself to trust Kanaya.

TG: oh dont worry i dont

TG: im just really rolling the dice on whos marginally less likely to bullshit me

TT: I can ask her not to, if you’d like.

TG: nah i appreciate the challenge

TG: at least i know you would never use your natural deadpan to fool me

TT: Never.

TT: And you always have Karkat, if you want earnestness.

TG: haha yeah absolutely

TG: he is not happy with this thesis thing

TT: Oh, are you specifically doing this to get on his nerves? That would be a turn of events.

TG: you have such an infallible read on me how do you do it

TG: and yeah hes all pissy about it but hell come around

TG: till then its funny 

TT: Hmm.

TT: Not at all relating to that, has he said anything to you about pitch romance?

TG: yeah he has actually but all i really know is that its not all hatefucking

TT: Hmm, yes. 

TT: I think it's among the more interesting quadrants; a romantic relationship born of rivalry, fueled by casual annoyances and challenges? Fascinating.

TT: Seems to ring a bell, also...

TG: the funny thing is it doesnt, actually 

TG: and anyway its not anything new

TG: humans did that we just werent so into ourselves that we had to differentiate every facet of attraction

TT: I think there is some merit to the labels; makes it easier to manage expectations. And for the pale quadrant — we didn’t have a word for that at all.

TG: yeah but from what karkat says trolls get all caught up in that difference like

TG: plenty of human relationships have a rivalry aspect while still being what karkat says is ‘OVERTLY FLUSHED’

TG: and im like dude am i the one seeing in quadrants now cause thats your dumb hatefuck one if ive seen it

TG: but then he gets all pissed again cause apparently crossing the quadrants is all taboo

TT: Well, I agree with you, there.

TT: The pale seems to have such natural overlap with flushed as well, that the harshly enforced separation does feel unnatural.

TT: Surely some, even if just a minority, must blur the lines of the two?

TT: Is this part of your thesis?

TG: i mean fuck i guess it could be

TG: yeah no i like that

TG: now it aint just about study im gonna debunk this whole societal construct

TT: I will of course want named credit in the final paper.

TG: for what

TT: For being the board off of which this idea was sprung?

TT: Also I assume I will be your editor in chief.

TG: oh not when you seem so reluctant

TT: Funny.

TT: Would you like me to send Kanaya over, now?

TT: I think I may accompany her, if you’re amenable.

TG: yeah sure troll romance analysis hour

TG: no karkats invited

TG: serious parties only

TT: Naturally.

TG: aight see you in like ten minutes

TT: Au revoir.

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  \-- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello and welcome to the soapbox! buckle your seatbelts for troll romance and friendship and love and the process of coming out to a bunch of aliens.
> 
> but seriously thank you so much for reading!! i would love to hear your thoughts so far, please feel free to argue with me about the nuances of troll romance!!
> 
> love you all, goodnight!!


	2. Chapter 2

DAVE: hey rose

ROSE: Well, you’re several hours early

DAVE: i was physically unable to wait

DAVE: do you have any idea how long ive waited

DAVE: to attend a live reading of your wizard fanfic

ROSE: Years, I would suppose

DAVE: my entire life has been leading to this moment

DAVE: look i even alchemized this pair of tickets

ROSE: Now these are quite impressive.

ROSE: Based on the use of comic sans and the fact that my name is spelled incorrectly, I assume it was made with some combination of my fiction and your comics?

DAVE: exactly

DAVE: getting it in the ticket shape was an issue

DAVE: but worth it

DAVE: i want this to be...

DAVE: the Experianse

ROSE: I assure you it will be

ROSE: Not to give anything away, but Kanaya is hard at work alchemizing a smoke machine

DAVE: holy shit

ROSE: I am new to performance art, so I hope you all will go easy on me. But to do true justice to certain pieces of literature, they must be seen, not read, and such is the experience I hope to bring to you all tonight

DAVE: goddamn

DAVE: the meteor isnt ready

ROSE: Nor will it ever be.

ROSE: Now, as compelling as my show tonight will be

ROSE: (To forewarn you, I expect tears, both those born of sorrow and of insurmountable joy)

ROSE: I find myself doubting that you, with no ulterior motive, arrived five hours early to a performance for which I, the performer, am not even dressed

ROSE: Oh, and it is a black tie event, I have to remind you.

DAVE: dont doubt me rose

DAVE: i have my outfit ready and everything

DAVE: shitty wizard cufflinks too

ROSE: Fantastic.

ROSE: But you do have something to ask me, I presume

DAVE: ok yeah

DAVE: so

DAVE: as you can see i made these amazing fucking tickets

DAVE: and i made a pair cause who makes just one ticket

ROSE: Those who do not understand the archetypal ticket Look, I presume

DAVE: exactly

DAVE: so i make these tickets and theyre great fucking tickets so i go show karkat

DAVE: and he is honestly not nearly as appreciative as he should be 

ROSE: He does not understand the archetypal ticket Look, then

DAVE: my art is constantly underappreciated

DAVE: but the point is, i have these two great fucking tickets and im only gonna use one, it says right there ‘amdit one’ and thats me, one dave

DAVE: so i say ‘hey karkat do you wanna go together’ cause i have this other ticket and its

DAVE: i dont know who else id give it to

DAVE: hes like my

DAVE: whatever

DAVE: but he gives me this really weird look after i ask

DAVE: and it takes a fucking hour of back and forth because as much as he fucking talks its still like pulling fangs to get him to say shit sometimes

DAVE: but he says to me

DAVE: ‘DAVE IF THIS IS SOME SORT OF RED SOLICITATION—’

DAVE: and i immediately cut him off there because

DAVE: holy shit dude no

DAVE: like

DAVE: i know the guys been fucking schooling me on all types of troll romance so maybe its on the mind

DAVE: but i wasnt trying to ask him on a date

DAVE: i dont know is it gay to ask a guy to attend a live reading of your sisters wizard fanfiction with you?

ROSE: Well, first I must say how much I admire the fact that you did decide to yell when imitating our dear Mr. Vantas.

ROSE: Though my eardrums are less appreciative.

DAVE: you said it rose, its about performance

ROSE: Of course.

ROSE: But to clarify,

ROSE: your question here is just whether or not it was ‘gay’ of you to give Karkat a ticket you made up to a show that does not require a ticket entry?

DAVE: maybe?

DAVE: look this isnt gonna be a situation where i come to you all in a fit of broken masculinity and say

DAVE: ‘well rose i *cant* be gay, how could i even be gay, thats such a bad thing to be’

DAVE: and then you sit me down and tell me all about how youre gay and being gay isnt bad, actually

DAVE: and i have my epiphany that Wow Gay People Are People

DAVE: and i walk off a changed man without ever actually addressing the ingrained shit that led me to deriding gay people in the first place

DAVE: thats not what were doing here

ROSE: Well there go months of therapy notes.

DAVE: ha ha funny

ROSE: While I am glad that’s not ‘what were doing here’, I must admit I’m still not sure what exactly you think we are doing.

DAVE: i just dont know why he thought that was gay

DAVE: it wasnt like a date thing it was very clearly not a date thing

DAVE: i just dont know why he was all weird about it

DAVE: and its not like he likes me weve actually fucking crossed that bridge and he *doesnt*, besides, he was clearly against the idea that it was a date

DAVE: which is good cause its not!

DAVE: we are still going, by the way, and that ticket is his i just wanted to show it to you

DAVE: so like now things arent even weird between us 

DAVE: i just feel

DAVE: weird about it

ROSE: Weird

ROSE: Hmm.

DAVE: wow look shes thinking

ROSE: You know, Karkat has been bringing a lot of what you’ve been talking about to our literary meetings.

DAVE: your book club

ROSE: Whether it is or isn’t a book club is frankly irrelevant in this conversation.

ROSE: We’re reading Troll Pride and Prejudice right now, to compare with Human Pride and Prejudice

ROSE: and in the beginning of our conversations, Karkat was very adament that, like in the troll version, Elizabeth had pitch feelings for Mr. Darcy up until she eventually turned flushed for him, towards the end of the novel.

ROSE: But, as of the last meeting, he and I have been moving towards the conclusion that perhaps — in the human version of the novel, at least — what Elizabeth feels for Darcy is, for a time, simultaneously black and red, rather than being a switch from one to the other, or a vacillation.

ROSE: I am of the understanding that you and he have been discussing, ad nauseum, the possibility of an individual, troll or human, experiencing the feelings associated with multiple quadrants simultaneously, towards one person.

DAVE: glad hes using my hours of research to comment of troll p&p

ROSE: Human Pride and Prejudice, Dave, please keep up.

DAVE: oh fuck sorry

DAVE: but thats what weve been talking about yeah

DAVE: cause i mean humans do right

DAVE: even though we didnt put names on all of it

DAVE: and karkats all but admitted to feeling some kind of multi-quadrant bullshit

ROSE: I am on your side on this.

ROSE: I would argue that the period romance genre as a whole exemplifies this idea fairly well.

ROSE: But I think what this discussion brings to light a serious flaw in the way both human and Alternian societies perceived relationships.

ROSE: Both societies made the tragic mistake in attempting to define a specific model for its people to follow, vis a vis attraction, failing to take into account that the way individuals experience attraction is incredibly nuanced and personal. Expecting an entire civilization to conform to a pre-supposed ideal was never conceivable in the long term.

ROSE: Just as the presumption of heterosexuality was bound to be defied by queer humans, the presumption of strict adherence to the quadrant system was bound to be defied by trolls who found themselves enamoured with someone across multiple quadrants.

DAVE: so what youre saying is

DAVE: karkat is troll gay

ROSE: Precisely.

ROSE: But my actual thesis was more along the lines that, now that we have been untethered from the confines of our respective societies, there is bound to be a straying from those defined models of attraction.

DAVE: then

DAVE: the meteor turns everyone gay?

ROSE: Dave.

DAVE: look everything youve said i follow and get and agree with

DAVE: i take that back i have literally no opinion on the nuance of quadrants in pride and prejudice

DAVE: but like yeah some people are just gay, and a lot of — like, probably most — people experience some kind of gay ass attraction at some point in their lives, that on earth they just couldnt deal with cause of you know massive fucking amounts of homophobia and gender bullshit

DAVE: so no wonder trolls were being mad kinds of gay on alternia, where that shit didnt matter

DAVE: and we didnt know about quadrant divides so we get every badly written action hero and leading woman feeling that fifty-fifty mix of hate-attraction and romantic leanings, no sweat

DAVE: like look youre right its all just dumb ingrained shit from two dead societies

DAVE: but

DAVE: knowing its dumb societal bullshit doesnt make it any less ingrained or make it feel any less real

ROSE: I understand.

ROSE: You know, Dave, I hope you aren’t under the impression that coming to terms with my sexuality was at all an easy or comfortable process for me.

ROSE: In fact, it is still ongoing.

ROSE: And I had no expectations of my mother being anything worse than apathetic towards the situation; the fear was purely internal: how would being gay, being the archetypal ‘other’, change how I understood myself? 

ROSE: I can only imagine how much more complex and difficult that process would have been if I had had a force in my early life actively pushing me towards a toxic, heterosexual ideal of how my gender should act.

DAVE: probably would suck

ROSE: I’d assume so.

DAVE: and make shit way more confusing than it has any goddamn right to be

ROSE: Well, maybe it would go better for this hypothetical person if they managed to get to a place with literally no societal expectations.

DAVE: still would take some fucking time

ROSE: Three years is a fair amount.

ROSE: In this hypothetical.

DAVE: guess so

DAVE: ...

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: i should probably go

DAVE: gotta give karkat his ticket back

DAVE: dont want him getting held up at the door

DAVE: bodyguards all clambering around

DAVE: cant get in without a ticket, this is that vip shit, *rose lalonde* herself performing ‘ode to a sultry magickian’

DAVE: one night only

DAVE: wait fuck does he even have anything fancy enough to be black tie

DAVE: shit

DAVE: god theyre gonna kick him to the curb with one look

DAVE: hell be swearing up and down ‘I KNOW THE PERFORMER’S BROTHER’ but no one will hear

DAVE: over the sound of kanayas discount smoke machine fucking exploding because really rose how are we expecting it to function we cant even alchemize peanut butter properly

ROSE: Dave.

DAVE: yeah?

ROSE: Go get ready for the show.

ROSE: And check in on Terezi and Vriska, if you could.

ROSE: I have prepared enough space for them, as well as our Mayor, of course. I expect a full attendance.

DAVE: will do but i dunno how theyre gonna get in without these sick tickets

DAVE: mayor gets a pass cause im pretty sure we can sneak him in with that whole ‘children under the age of four get free admittance’ deal

DAVE: wait shit how old is the mayor

DAVE: do you think hes actually like a grown-ass man

DAVE: are we his kids

ROSE: Do you see the Mayor as a father figure, Dave?

ROSE: That is an entirely different page of my very real psychoanalytic journal I keep for you.

DAVE: hmm yeah im gonna go check on karkat

ROSE: Godspeed.

==>

turntechGodhead [TG]  opened memo on board ‘karkat is troll gay’

TG: yall heard it here first

CG: OH!

CG: I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!

AG: Oh???????

GA: You Are Very Brave Karkat

TT: I suppose I should’ve expected this.

CG: ARE YOU IN ON THIS LALONDE?

CG: HOW MANY OF YOU DO I HAVE TO KILL BEFORE I THROW MYSELF OFF THE METEOR?

TG: dude chill

GC: 1 C4N CONF1RM: K4RK4T 1S TROLL G4Y

GC: 4LSO: WH4T 1S TROLL G4Y

AG: C’mon Terezi keep up!!

GA: Oh Do You Want To Tell Us What It Is?

AG: N8pe!

TT: I coined the term, do I get any say in its usage?

TT: I believe I deserve a royalty for the memo title.

TG: sure thing rose want to be paid in shitty coffee or tab

GA: Glad To See Weve Maintained An Economy

CG: MAYBE I’M THE ONE WE SHOULD BE PAYING!

CG: THE SACRIFICIAL BABY WOOLBEAST FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SICK HUMOR!

CG: BUT I’M NOT COMPENSATED AT ALL FOR HAVING MY NAME RAKED THROUGH THE MUD!

TG: karkat they dont... pay the sacrificial lamb

TG: if thats the right translation from bullshit troll

TG: we are clear on that right

CG: FUCK YOU

AG: Wow it must suck not knowing what troll gay is right now!

GA: Truly Cruel Of You Vriska

GA: To Hoard This Knowledge You Surely Have

GC: 1SNT ‘G4Y’ TH3 WORD FOR HUM4NS WHO FLUSH FOR OTH3R HUM4NS OF TH3 S4M3 G3ND3R?

AG: Hahahaha that’s so dum8!!!!

GA: Am I Troll Gay Then

TT: Unlikely, I think.

TT: Also, though this is Dave’s thesis, not mine, I do want to say that I believe the human distinction ‘gay’ might apply to more quadrants than just flushed.

GA: Didnt John Reject Your Offer Of Kismistitude, Karkat, Because He Was ‘Wasnt Gay’?

TG: haha yeah

CG: YOU KNOW, I WAS ON THE EDGE OF THE METEOR, UNSURE IF DEATH REALLY WAS THE ONLY OPTION, SO THANK YOU, KANAYA, FOR REMINDING ME THAT IT IS ACTUALLY!

TG: calm the fuck down man

TG: yall im literally sitting next to him, middle of the fucking meteor

CG: I’M GOING TO STEAL YOUR COMPUTER AND DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT

TG: good luck

GA: Does Karkat Even Know What Troll Gay Is?

TG: NO BUT I KNOW WHEN I’M BEING RIDICULED 

CG: dude red aint meant for all caps give that back

TT: Surely this is the best way to regain one’s own stolen computer.

TG: dudes too fucking short now i got

CG: two accounts

AG: Hey I got 8ored and I'm not gonna read these messages!!

AG: 8ut why can I hear Karkat yelling in the distance?

GC: WH3N C4N’T YOU?

TG: hahaha these are such good roasts

CG: cant keep karkat from seeing these

CG: I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO DAVE AGAIN

GA: Oh Surely

TT: Perhaps we should discuss the dangerous, nigh-homophobic implications of Karkat’s disgusted refusal of the term?

TT: Internalized, though that homophobia may be.

TG: damn karkat let people love who they love

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS!

AG: Get in the l8p!!

GC: >:?

AG: An 8 is like two o’s!

GC: 1SNT 4N 31GHT JUST ON3 B1G LOOP?

GA: This Is True

AG: Fine!

AG: Karkat get in the 8

GA: Hmm Maybe Not

TG: anyway so troll gay is having the hots for someone in multiple quadrants

GC: OH Y34H H3 DO3S DO TH4T

CG: THAT’S JUST VACILLATION!

CG: WHICH IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!!

AG: Is it???????

GA: Is This An Apt Comparison

GA: Werent Human Gays Subjected To A Lot Of Persecution?

TT: Either that, or erased and silenced entirely.

TT: I am not an Alternian scholar, but I believe this likely would have been comparable with the latter?

GC: TH3 S1GNL3SS W4S TROLL G4Y

GC: 4ND H3 W4S F41RLY R3V3R3D!

GC: BUT 1F YOU T4LK3D 4BOUT H1M YOU W3R3 K1LL3D >:/

TG: goddamn the gay gene exists even in trolls

TT: As does the omnipresent demonization of the gay population.

AG: Oh c’mon, th8t’s just a fairyt8le for wrigglers!!

AG: No rel8ionships 8ctually transcended multiple quadr8nts

GC: HMM

AG: ::::?

GC: NOTH1NG

TT: The comparison isn’t one-to-one.

TT: It is more about a type of attraction that defies a given relationship construct.

TT: And how attempting to restrict love and attraction to a certain ‘type’ is a show of societal hubris.

TG: besides vriska my whole fucking thesis is about how this shit overlaps

TG: karkats being difficult but he agrees with me

CG: PLEASE DON’T FUCKING ALIGN ME WITH YOU

TG: nah dude too late were in this now

TG: darcy and lizzie

TG: i know yall were talking about this in book club

AG: Hahahaha yeah they were!!

TT: And it was lovely to have you in attendance, Vriska.

GC: H4H4H4 YOU JO1N3D BOOKCLUB FOR N3RDS??

AG: Sh8t 8p!!

CG: YES, IN THE *HUMAN* VERSION OF THE NOVEL

CG: AND IT, MUCH LIKE THE SIGNLESS, IS PURELY GODDAMN FICTIONAL!!

GA: Does Fiction Not Have Ties To Reality?

GA: You Have Claimed So Several Times

TT: And the novels are near identical, between the troll and human versions.

TT: It would likely work the same between the two.

CG: THEN IT’S BOTH VACILLATION!

TT: Karkat, I thought we were making progress.

TG: yeah dude i was really excited to hear that you were using all our joint research

TG: in book club

TG: but all my hours of labor are for nothing huh

TT: You shouldn’t take this from him, Karkat. It really is all he has.

GC: H4!

TG: hey

CG: SEE? IT ISN’T SO FUN, BEING MERCILESSLY FUCKING BULLIED BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF MULTICOLORED ASSHOLES!

TG: nah actually its my favorite pastime

TG: but i gotta admit the back and forth is gettin a little tedious 

TG: yall im out

TG banned himself from responding to the memo

CG: GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE

CG banned himself from responding to the memo

GC: 4R3NT TH3Y ST1LL 1N TH3 S4M3 ROOM >:?

TT: My human gay tendencies, unfortunately, lend me no insight on the inner workings of the troll gay mind.

TT: However, the distant sound of well-natured bickering seems to imply, yes.

GC: >:/

TT: But, with all that settled, a reminder that my live reading is an hour, and I expect you all to attend.

TT: This is not optional.

tentacleTherapist [TT]  closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its really about the dave and rose dynamic
> 
> credit to [my dear friend ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralArchetype/pseuds/astralArchetype) for coining the phrase 'karkat is troll gay', a joke which ended up being a huge inspiration for the entirety of this fic. it was the precise reason i wrote that first half of the chapter, which was the first scene i ever wrote for this fic. And, before deciding on 'the soapbox' for a whole different reason, the title Was going to be 'karkat is troll gay'. i just think its funny.
> 
> also all apologies to vriska i love her so much but jeez i cannot write her dialogue
> 
> but thank you ever so much for reading!! this fic is gonna be very into time skips and jumping through the meteor years and if thats ever too complicated or unclear, lmk. 
> 
> goodnight!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up: there are significant time skips between the different scenes in this chapter, and i hope that will be conveyed by context but just in case, wanted to let yall know!

DAVE: dude  


DAVE: get the fuck out of my bed  


KARKAT: FUCK OFF, I’M TIRED.  


DAVE: romcom marathons really take it out of you huh  


DAVE: yeah no karkat me too and thats why i wanna get my nap on  


DAVE: get out  


KARKAT: THIS SLEEP SLAB IS FUCKING HUGE. JUST TAKE THE OTHER SIDE.  


DAVE: uh  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


.  


He cracks open one eye to look at you, and you’d guess he’d be raising one eyebrow if that was something he physically could do. And if half of his face wasn’t pressed against your pillow, in your fucking bed, something you’d kindly offered to let him use while you watched a movie and would like very much if he just fucking got out of now.  


.  


DAVE: no can do man sorry  


DAVE: not that you arent looking all kinds of cozy i just uh  


DAVE: really gotta spread out do some starfish type sleeping  


DAVE: real vitruvian man shit  


DAVE: cant be sharing that space  


KARKAT: FUCKING BULLSHIT.  


KARKAT: YOU ALCHEMIZED IT TO BE HALF THE SIZE OF THE BLOCK. ALL SIX OF US COULD FIT ON IT WITH ROOM FOR THE MAYOR AND ROSE’S CURRENT KNITTING PROJECT.  


KARKAT: KEEP BITCHING AND SLEEP ON THE FLOOR, OR COME HERE. I’M NOT MOVING.  


DAVE: i  


DAVE: okay  


.  


You have to do some clambering to even get in, cause he not only felt entitled to take the better side of the bed but, on top of that, to hoard all the pillows and blankets as if he’s not a space heater in and of himself. You manage to fall into the open space, and shift to a position vaguely-comfortable, but. But it still ain’t great. He was so full of shit when he said the bed could fit six people and, even with the foot of space between you, it’s still just a bit more cozy than you’d like. Makes you tense. Stiff-shouldered, hands-in-fists, bit-down fingernails rough as they scrape against your skin.  


It’s fucking stupid.  


.  


DAVE: so  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: you staying?  


KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. I’M GOING TO SLEEP, IF YOU EVER MANAGE TO SHUT YOUR IGNORANCE SHUTE, AND WHATEVER THE FUTURE DECIDES TO HOLD AFTER THAT IS ITS FUCKING BUSINESS.  


DAVE: okay cool  


DAVE: so thats a yes then  


KARKAT: SHOOSH, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.  


DAVE: hey man no pale flirting  


KARKAT: WHAT.  


DAVE: yeah dude im hip with the troll lingo now i know all about your shooshes and your paps  


KARKAT: OH MY GOD SHUT UP.  


DAVE: all the minutiae of that pale loving  


DAVE: i can see you coming onto me a mile away  


DAVE: stuff that should be all low key if yall didnt place importance on the most dumbass of things but i mean hey i got a read on your cultural subconscious now  


DAVE: and look man im just not—  


KARKAT: URGH  


.  


With that groan and an exaggerated turn over, he shoves his hand against your face, probably aiming to cover your mouth, but the movement is so badly planned that it ends up as more of a light backhand that rests a moment against your cheek. He gives it another shot, you’d guess, but when this attempt fails, it’s cause of how violently and far you’ve flinched away.  


Fuck.  


He opens both eyes now, eyebrows in a tight furrow as he takes you in, your spine pressed against the wall, hand pulled tight against your torso. Heartbeat loud in your chest. Mouth dry.  


.  


  
KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY?  


.  
He sits up, head cocked at an angle, studying you. Like there’s something to look at, when there ain’t. Or won’t be, if he’d give you a fucking second to collect yourself. You relax your shoulders. Press your palms flat on the cool fabric of the sheets. Exhale, and force an easy breath. You’re good. Super cool and fine.  


( _You’re still thinking about it: his knuckles against your face, one claw scratched lightly against your cheekbone, press of rough skin and_ warm.)  


.  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: sorry  


KARKAT: YOU’RE... FINE.  


KARKAT: I’M SORRY?  


KARKAT: DID I—  


DAVE: no dude youre fine i just uh  


DAVE: wasnt expecting all the hand thing is all  


DAVE: i got those natural quick reflexes man just cant be helped  


DAVE: gotta be ready for whatever ya know  


KARKAT: ...YEAH.  


KARKAT: DO YOU WANT TO—  


.  


You sit up, sharp, cutting him off with a gesture to the side, fingers splayed but far from touching him. Not that that matters. Not that you’ve never touched him before; y’all have screwed around, stealing each other's computers and drawing all over Rose’s books and building can towers and you can’t— it ain’t like you haven’t bumped into him before. Not like there haven’t been any moments of touch more intentional and long-lasting than a two-second press of hand-on-face.  


This isn’t a _thing_.  


.  


DAVE: gonna move to the floor i think  


DAVE: dont wanna be waking you up with some jumpy bullshit at three in the morning  


DAVE: whatever that fucking means anymore  


DAVE: like we have two time zones on this meteor for some goddamn reason and it makes everything even—  


KARKAT: I CAN GO BACK TO MY BLOCK, DAVE.  


KARKAT: I’M ALREADY FUCKING AWAKE NOW.  


DAVE: nah dude really  


DAVE: it aint a whole thing im just more comfy down here  


DAVE: get your beauty sleep man  


DAVE: not that the dark circles arent mad charming but your eyes gotta be exhausted from carrying those bags all the time  


KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: GOODNIGHT, DAVE.  


.  


You look up at him from your pillow nest on the floor, see him through the dark of the night and your shades, his face just barely reflecting the dim television light. Eyes closed. His hand dangles over the edge of the bed, and you think, for a moment, about taking it in your own. About your fingers intertwined, the strength of the hold. Picture the rough of his skin, warm in the cold room, and how he’d look at you, seeing you clearly through the dark, and you would—   


You...  


Fuck, what are you _doing_?  


You jolt away. Pull your hands to your chest, curl them to fists, fingernail-into-flesh crushing any urge to reach out. And you look up, away from him, to the ceiling in the dark.  


The room is cold.  


.  


DAVE: night, dude  


.  


.  


==>

.  


.  


DAVE: rose  


ROSE: Dave.  


DAVE: you know how were serious-ass candidates  


DAVE: two chill as ice motherfuckers  


DAVE: academic and logical folks  


ROSE: This preamble is practically radiating academia, yes.  


DAVE: precisely  


DAVE: and like natch none of this is at all facade were just naturally like this all the time and not a bit is any fakey bullshit  


ROSE: Well, of course.  


ROSE: What we display is not devoid of the inherent self.  


ROSE: We are the both mask and the wearer, Dave.  


DAVE: hell yeah exactly like no sentimental bitches are talking about the inherent self  


ROSE: Oh, is this about sentiment?  


ROSE: I will admit, this winding path we are walking leaves me ever more tenacious in my imaginings of what lies at the end.  


DAVE: were getting there, hold your neighbeasts lalonde  


DAVE: so remember when we first got to the meteor and there was just a bit of a crack in that chill ass mutual demeanor we have due to the like very real and recent trauma we had literally just dealt with  


DAVE: and in that moment we had a very chill hug that in no way diminished our respective cool and collected and detached views of each other while still being mad fucking good and comforting  


ROSE: This does ring true in my memory, yes.  


DAVE: so that was cool  


ROSE: I would be inclined to agree.  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: would you uh  


DAVE: want to maybe do that again  


ROSE: Sure.  


DAVE: ...so  


ROSE: Did you mean now?  


DAVE: uh yeah  


DAVE: if youre cool with that  


ROSE: Of course.  


.  


Neither of you move for a moment. She’s only looking at you out of the corner of her eye, and you’re not doing much better. Your hands are curled in fists in your lap, and hers are held tight to knitting needles.  


Surely, y’all were better at this last time.  


.  


DAVE: uh  


ROSE: Hmm?  


.  


You manage to reach out, settle your hand on her shoulder. She turns, and both of y’all are on the couch so you’re not even sure how this is gonna work, but you turn and she shifts closer and then settles her arms around you and. Huh.  


She’s stiff-spined and you are still tight in your chest, but you rest your head on her shoulder, and she leans against you. Your shades press into your face. Her knitting needle pokes your arm. You realize, with a dull ache in your lungs, that you’ve been holding your breath this whole time.  


You exhale.  


You feel her relax against you at the same moment, and your knees are still knocking against each others’, your sunglasses still pressed into the bone around your eye, but you’re holding her and she is holding you and that is all. And it’s good.  


You don’t know how long it’s been since someone held you.  


You just breathe for a few moments, before she shifts back out of the hold of your arms, leaving you, out of the hold of hers. She isn’t as impossibly warm as Karkat is but, as you move from her, the meteor air seems cold.  


.  


DAVE: nice  


ROSE: I concur.  


ROSE: ... Should we be concerned, in the slightest, about how bad we are at this?  


DAVE: hey cant blame circumstance  


DAVE: ‘sides in lacking that emotional capability we got being a pair of chill ass folks in return  


DAVE: hundred percent worth it, positive  


ROSE: Hmm. I suppose.  


ROSE: You know, you can just ask to hug me, Dave. We don’t have to go through a whole ordeal.  


ROSE: I’m sure our fellow meteor residents would feel the same.  


DAVE: yeah that uh  


DAVE: maybe  


DAVE: and itd be for their sakes, course  


DAVE: cant have them missing out on this premium strider hugging experience  


ROSE: The unique, enlightened experience of having sunglasses dig into your shoulder so deep might just bruise.  


DAVE: oh fuck really  


ROSE: Time will tell, on the bruise. But I believe so.  


ROSE: And, of course, you don’t have to. You can take your time. I, for one, am still working on it.  


DAVE: cmon rose you have a girlfriend  


DAVE: ive seen yall doing some snuggle bullshit more times than id like  


ROSE: Dave, must you, with the homophobia?  


DAVE: more the ‘seeing your sister and her girlfriend smooching’-phobia  


ROSE: A hate crime, honestly.  


ROSE: But, no, I am being honest. I won’t go too far into it but, for myself, one of the more difficult parts of getting accustomed to dating Kanaya was adjusting to the casual contact.  


ROSE: Even just, for example, the leaning against her when we’re sitting. The sudden influx of touch was, well, a lot to get used to.  


ROSE: And not solely for the romantic aspects. You’ve encountered Terezi’s very tactile nature?  


DAVE: sure have  


ROSE: Growing used to that was also an adjustment.   


ROSE: Maybe it’s just more commonplace with trolls? From my understanding, their culture was very physical, though not generally in such a... nonviolent way.  


ROSE: I suppose they need a new outlet now that there is notably less fighting and murder.  


DAVE: or maybe theyre just sick of not being able to hug anybody  


DAVE: ive seen lusii, no way those troll kids were getting any tlc  


ROSE: Do you think there is a single person on this meteor who was regularly hugged by a parent?  


DAVE: well im pretty sure weve all collectively adopted the mayor so maybe that little dude  


DAVE: but besides that absolutely not  


ROSE: Hmm. It seems we have a proper plague of touch-starvation on our hands.  


DAVE: how are we ever gonna solve this one doctor lalonde  


DAVE: was the real cure friendship the whole time  


ROSE: In this case, yes.  


DAVE: damn i guess so  


DAVE: on the subject  


DAVE: specifically the subject of friendship so im gonna say right off the bat you are banned from using the words ‘repression’, ‘homo’-anything, ‘gay’—   


DAVE: dont want to hear a damn thing about closets  


ROSE: What am I even left to say, with my vocabulary so bereft.  


DAVE: take it or leave it  


ROSE: I suppose I can try to restrain myself.  


DAVE: good okay  


DAVE: so uh  


DAVE: i mean ive just generally been wanting to  


DAVE: maybe be a little less cool and collected on the whole physical contact front. like get used to the touch thing  


DAVE: cause like yeah whatever it aint chill to be hugging everybody all the time but  


DAVE: you know what is genuinely way less chill? flinching halfway across the room when your friend barely fucking touches you  


DAVE: and having to awkwardly fuck off whenever hes upset cause you dont know how to just put a hand on his arm or hug him or anything vaguely comforting cause it feels like your body physically freezes up and wont let you and  


DAVE: look rose i just  


DAVE: ugh  


ROSE: Hmm.  


DAVE: no psychoanalysis i mean it  


ROSE: What about psychoanalysis entirely void of the ‘gay’ word?  


DAVE: youre on thin ice but okay  


ROSE: I think it is perfectly reasonable, given your circumstances, to experience both touch starvation and a discomfort with physical contact.  


ROSE: I would recommend taking it slow. See if you can manage holding his hand, or even just covering it with your own.  


ROSE: Out of pure academic curiosity, it sounds like you find it to be more difficult with him than anyone else on the meteor. Is that correct?  


DAVE: i mean it aint easy with anybody you heard my fucking preamble to a hug but  


DAVE: yeah its more  


DAVE: yeah  


ROSE: Hmm. That is something you might want to think over, but do so in your own time. As promised, I will make no deductions about that.  


ROSE: I think this will be good for you, the getting accustomed to physical contact.  


DAVE: i fucking hope so  


DAVE: trading my reputation as resident chill guy for this  


ROSE: I think you may be getting the better end of the bargain. It was for me.  


ROSE: Though I am, as may be obvious—  


DAVE: still just as bad at it as i am  


ROSE: ‘Just as bad’ may be a stretch.  


DAVE: uh huh rose ‘did you mean now’ lalonde  


DAVE: anyway i gotta go i told kanaya id help her in the garden  


ROSE: Ah, are the grubcumbers ripe yet?  


DAVE: rose i like the gardening and all but i am not gonna learn the names of all these bullshit alien fruits  


ROSE: Yellow, spiky, texture like citrus?  


DAVE: oh weird alien fruit #1  


DAVE: they got a few more days  


ROSE: Kanaya has promised me that they are the finest of Alternia’s edible flora.  


ROSE: She is my girlfriend and she means the world to me, but I have no expectation that this means they will be good.  


DAVE: yeah no troll food is—  


ROSE: Absolutely fucking revolting.  


DAVE: maybe were just unrefined  


ROSE: This is surely it.  


ROSE: Send her my love, will you?  


DAVE: ill deliver that gay ass sentiment directly to her  


DAVE: see ya  


ROSE: Don’t let the troll worms bite.  


.  


.  


==>

  


.  


.  


DAVE: hey dude  


KARKAT: FUCK OFF.  


DAVE: wasnt gonna before and i definitely wont now  


DAVE: whats up  


KARKAT: WELL, I’M DOING GREAT, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY FUCKING SEE.  


.  


You settle down on the can town floor, foot away from him, close enough that him tilting his head down doesn’t do shit to hide his face. Not that it matters. You’ve known what was up since you walked in the room; dude’s the most goddamn obvious crier you’ve ever met.  


You want to hold his hand.  


.  


DAVE: not that the red tearstreaks arent mad interesting  


DAVE: as the cross-cultural pioneer you know i am, im for sure interested in the weird science behind that  


DAVE: like humans got red blood too and only mid 2000s emo bands were crying red like how could those things even be linked  


KARKAT: IF THIS IS YOUR METHOD OF COMFORT, IT FUCKING SUCKS.  


DAVE: nah man i can be mad fucking comforting  


DAVE: im a cup of tea of a dude but you seem real resistant  


DAVE: like i can actually fuck off if thats what you want  


KARKAT: NO  


KARKAT: UGH  


KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING STUPID.  


DAVE: most emotions are dude  


DAVE: if they werent theyd be logic or something  


DAVE: besides were fucking isolated on a ship with five other folks fleeing our universes which we respectively killed and thats not even getting into the other fucked up shit from before so man i think whatever youre feelings its prolly pretty understandable  


DAVE: whats got you all teary on this tuesday afternoon  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW, EVERY WORD OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE TUNNEL MAKES ME THINK THAT YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF ME.  


DAVE: cmon dude you know it aint like that  


DAVE: i just quite frankly dont know how the fuck to deal with emotions like i cant deal with my own, let alone anyone elses  


DAVE: but i mean  


DAVE: look karkat youre my friend i dont like seeing you in the midst of a cry sesh  


KARKAT: THANKS  


KARKAT: ACTUALLY  


DAVE: course, dude  


DAVE: seriously whats up  


DAVE: unless youre not up to chatting about it right now  


DAVE: in which case kanaya and my crop of weird alien fruit #3 is getting ripe so if you wanna snack and watch some alien rom com  


KARKAT: YEAH, MAYBE.  


KARKAT: IT’S JUST... SURVIVOR’S GUILT BULLSHIT. THE FUCKING USUAL.  


.  


You inch your hand towards his. Not touching. Not yet.  


.  


DAVE: i know you know but  


DAVE: not your fault  


KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW.  


KARKAT: BUT IT DOES FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES.  


DAVE: thats the going through a deeply traumatic experience at thirteen for you, huh  


KARKAT: A-FUCKING-PPARENTLY!  


KARKAT: IT’S—  


KARKAT: ALL MY FRIENDS WERE ASSHOLES, AND I KNOW THAT.  


KARKAT: SOME — MOST! — WERE EVEN MURDEROUS ASSHOLES!  


KARKAT: BUT I STILL REALLY FUCKING MISS THEM.  


KARKAT: IT WAS HONESTLY A FUCKING MIRACLE THAT EVEN SEVEN OF US GOT THROUGH IT ALIVE GIVEN THE NATURE OF TROLLS AND ALSO THE FUCKING WORLD-ENDING GAME.  


KARKAT: BUT EVEN THEN, GAMZEE FUCKING LOST IT NEARLY A SWEEP AGO, AND SOLLUX AND ARADIA AREN’T AROUND, AND VRISKA’S ONLY HERE BECAUSE I FUCKED UP SO BAD THE FIRST TIME THAT TEREZI HAD TO REDO THE FUCKING NATURE OF TIME SO THAT THE NEW SESSION WOULDN’T KILL US ALL INSTANTLY.  


KARKAT: SO A GOOD FUCKING JOB I DID, OVERALL.  


DAVE: karkat, dude—  


KARKAT: UH  


DAVE: what  


DAVE: oh  


.  


You follow his gaze to the small space between the two of you, where his hand is, now, covered by yours.   


( _Warm and rough where skin meets skin._ )  


.  


DAVE: sorry your hand just look real goddamn lonely there so i uh  


DAVE: i dont know man aint this a thing you do to comfort people  


DAVE: fuck sorry i shouldve asked ill—  


.  


He turns his hand over, laces his fingers with yours. His grip is just a bit too-warm and too-tight, and his skin is calloused, and one of his claws scratches lightly on your knuckles, and it’s all so sharp and present and your breath is caught in your chest.  


.  


KARKAT: NO, YOU’RE... FINE.  


KARKAT: YOU JUST DON’T USUALLY—  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: im uh  


DAVE: im working through this whole  


DAVE: rose calls it ‘simultaneous touch starvation and inability to accept touch’ but thats uh maybe tmi and also not at all fucking relevant wow sorry  


DAVE: point is if this is like a good comfort thing for you i am  


DAVE: mostly alright for the hand holding  


KARKAT: IT’S GOOD.  


KARKAT: THIS IS... GOOD.  


DAVE: good  


KARKAT: WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?  


.  


You drag your gaze away from the grey-brown interweaving of his fingers and yours, from the neat yellow of his claws contrasted with the sloppy purple of your fingernails, the result of Rose’s drunk attempt at painting them.  


(And that is a concern for a completely different thought-spiral unrelated to the tight-stomach musings about the warmth of his and your hands together.)  


.  


DAVE: oh just  


DAVE: just that first of all you cant blame yourself for cosmic decision bullshit  


DAVE: the timeline is a bitch and we aint got any say over what she does and doesnt want to happen  


DAVE: no way around it  


DAVE: and second i know it aint the same thing but i also get in real pits of missing the harleyberts  


DAVE: cause that was two thirds of my friends just fucking gone and i know its different cause im gonna get to see them again but  


DAVE: the point is im really glad youre here and that we aint completely alone  


DAVE: and i can like  


DAVE: try to be a good person to talk to when youre upset but warning this really is my best so im not gonna make any big promises  


KARKAT: TO EVERYONE’S SURPRISE, IT’S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.  


KARKAT: THANK YOU.  


DAVE: always, man  


KARKAT: YEAH.  


KARKAT: SO, WHICH ONE IS WEIRD ALIEN FRUIT #3?  


DAVE: oh its round and a kinda shiny purple and its pink on the inside  


DAVE: grows on a tree about me height  


DAVE: tastes disturbingly like raw meat soaked in orange juice  


KARKAT: WE HAD ONE OF THOSE TREES BY MY HIVE.  


KARKAT: AND BY ‘BY MY HIVE’ I OF COURSE MEAN A FUCKING HALF DAY’S TRIP AWAY BECAUSE WHY WOULD IT MAKE SENSE FOR THERE TO BE ANY READILY AVAILABLE FOOD.  


KARKAT: YOU CAN MAKE JUICE OUT OF THEM, TOO, AND IT’S WAY FUCKING BETTER THAN YOUR ‘APPLE’ BULLSHIT.  


DAVE: hey dude here dont gotta come for my passions like that im trying to cheer you up  


KARKAT: I ALREADY THANKED YOU ONCE, YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANOTHER ONE.  


KARKAT: HONESTLY, WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED YOU WERE CAPABLE OF SAYING ANYTHING BUT OVERLY IRONIC, MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT.  


DAVE: like i said man  


DAVE: comfort train and im the conductor  


KARKAT: SO FUCKING DUMB.  


.  


He’s rolling his eyes, but you know him by now. You can see the glint of light on his sharp, just-visible teeth, a smile he’s trying his damnedest to force down. But you can see it. His face is dry, any once-there tearstreaks faded to the slightest tinge of pink against grey. And, even as he pushes off the ground to walk away—   


He doesn’t let go of your hand.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theyre all just Learning


	4. Chapter 4

KARKAT: DAVE.  


KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING SLEEPING?  


DAVE: hrng  


DAVE: uh  


DAVE: nah man im awake  


DAVE: practically on my feet  


KARKAT: YOU ARE NOTABLY NOT ON YOUR FEET.  


DAVE: i said ‘practically’   


DAVE: and you cant fault me for getting a little sleepy when you got so much sweater youre basically a pillow  


DAVE: sides you got this nice relaxing video playing for me  


KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  


KARKAT: THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST RIVETING MOVIES MY CULTURE EVER MANAGED TO PRODUCE. PERHAPS THE BEST DEPICTION OF PALE ROMANCE AND ITS NUANCE THAT I HAVE—  


DAVE: oh shit cool  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: nothing man i just  


DAVE: i think that pale shit is kinda interesting  


DAVE: just that  


KARKAT: OH.  


KARKAT: WELL, YOU ARE, FOR FUCKING ONCE, ACTUALLY CORRECT.  


KARKAT: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO COMMEMORATE THIS UNIQUE MOMENT OF BASIC UNDERSTANDING?  


DAVE: ill take an engraved plaque  


DAVE: but yeah man really  


DAVE: humans overlooked the shit out of that good platonic love and its just nice to see it getting some recognition for once you know  


KARKAT: IF ONLY THERE WAS A SOCIETY THAT BUILD A SUPERIOR ROMANCE SYSTEM WHICH DIRECTLY ACCOMMODATED THAT!  


DAVE: yeah if only  


DAVE: i was thinking about this the other day  


DAVE: i think ive kinda felt it before?  


DAVE: not sure cause i was a fucking kid but  


DAVE: okay youre not allowed to make fun of me for any of this  


KARKAT: DAVE THAT IS AN INCREDIBLY AMBITIOUS ASK.  


DAVE: whatever ill take it  


DAVE: so before the game bullshit i never really left the apartment ever  


DAVE: i didnt go to school and i didnt have any actual friends besides three other lonely assholes i met on the internet  


DAVE: who lived on the other side of the fucking country or, in jades case, in the middle of the ocean so  


DAVE: but i really  


DAVE: cared about them  


DAVE: and like that aint on brand so i didnt say shit but i used to have all these ideas of just running the fuck away  


DAVE: and like obviously part of that was the whole  


DAVE: you know  


DAVE: fuck nevermind  


DAVE: yeah my point is i used to always imagine going to live with john  


DAVE: or with rose or with jade  


DAVE: or even all four of us together like some shitty full house situation  


DAVE: just imagining this life where i was with them all the time which again id never admit cause that shit aint cool but i  


DAVE: but with all these quadrants, just like with human romance, its all societal construct used to describe weird and arbitrary feelings and  


DAVE: and im not saying i was in full blown pale love with all three of them and like given one was my sister and i know it aint *romance* romance but still weirds me out a bit  


DAVE: i dont know i just think that some of the roots of the way i felt about them was to a small degree the same as the roots of pale stuff  


DAVE: maybe  


DAVE: like i dont even get how yall differentiate that from bro shit but  


KARKAT: HMM.  


KARKAT: CHILDREN DO TEND TO GET PALE CRUSHES ON PEOPLE THEY SPEND TIME AROUND, LONG BEFORE GETTING PITCH OR FLUSHED CRUSHES.  


KARKAT: FOR US, AT LEAST, DIFFERENTIATING FROM ‘BRO SHIT’, AS YOU SO FUCKING ELOQUENTLY PUT IT, IS JUST NATURAL.  


KARKAT: IF I HAD TO PUT WORDS TO IT— LIKE YOU DESCRIBED, YOU WANT TO BE AROUND THEM A LOT. YOU CARE ABOUT THEM.   


KARKAT: THAT'S DEFINITELY PART OF IT, BUT THAT ISN’T SPECIFIC TO PALE RELATIONSHIPS. MORE PALE-CENTRIC IS FEELING LIKE YOU WANT TO COMFORT THEM AND BE COMFORTED BY THEM. HAVE SOME BASIC SORT OF VULNERABILITY, SEEING AS VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET WAS GOING TO TRY TO KILL YOU.  


DAVE: hmm cant claim the vulnerability part  


DAVE: my friends were great but those bitches werent gettin anywhere near the thoughts and feelings of resident coolkid dave strider  


DAVE: keep that shit on lock  


DAVE: but nah seriously i can barely be honest about shit now like i basically just said ‘i wanted to live in a no-parents party house with all my friends’ something arguably every kid would want and that fully took it out of me like  


DAVE: dont expect an emotion out of me for at least five business days i gotta recharge  


KARKAT: THAT WOULDN’T NECESSARILY BE INCOMPATIBLE WITH MOIRALLEGIANCE. SOMETIMES IT WOULD WORK LIKE THAT. WHERE ONE MOIRAIL WOULD BE FAR MORE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE THAN THE OTHER, GENERALLY MORE VIOLENT PARTY.  


KARKAT: USUALLY LOWBLOOD AND HIGHBLOOD, RESPECTIVELY, THOUGH KANAYA AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS AND THAT WAS ACTUALLY PROBABLY A LOT OF STEREOTYPE BULLSHIT, NOW THAT WE’RE REEVALUATING OUR MILLENIA-OLD FULLY-FORMED ROMANCE SYSTEM, APPARENTLY—  


DAVE: oh its like the highblood pale tops and the lowblood pale bottoms  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: oh uh  


DAVE: you know what ive been forced to see enough troll erotica at this point to know yall switches dont really got an equivalent  


DAVE: basically it was a relationship dichotomy that actually had a lot of ambiguity but ended up kinda stereotyped-seeped anyway  


DAVE: joke requires a more nuanced explanation than i feel like giving right now but i am gonna save that joke for rose shell love it  


KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO WITHOUT THE BAREST FUCKING SEMBLANCE OF KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, I GUESS I'LL JUST MOVE ON.   


KARKAT: REGARDING THE DICHOTOMY, I THINK THAT WAS AN ISSUE WITH THE WAY PALE RELATIONSHIPS WERE DEALT WITH, TOO.  


KARKAT: LIKE NEWSFLASH A RELATIONSHIP PROBABLY WORKS BETTER IF ONE PERSON ISN’T PULLING ALL THE FUCKING EMOTIONAL WEIGHT AND THE OTHER JUST. DOESN’T GO ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE? LIKE THAT’S WHAT THEY BRING TO THE TABLE?  


KARKAT: IT’S STILL LEAGUES ABOVE NOT HAVING *ANY* SORT OF MOIRALLEGIANCE SYSTEM — OUR ENTIRE SOCIETY WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKED INSTANTLY AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW EARTH *WASN’T* — BUT MAYBE THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN LESS MURDER IF MORE PEOPLE WANTED TO BE IN MOIRALLEGIANCES, PEOPLE WHO WOULDN’T HAVE, KNOWING THEY WOULD BE DOING ALL THE WORK.  


DAVE: got some personal experience there, dude?  


KARKAT: SHUT UP.  


DAVE: nah but im serious  


DAVE: gamzee bullshit was what it was but i dont know  


DAVE: what other kinda pale things have you gotten into  


KARKAT: I THINK YOU’RE OVERESTIMATING HOW DESIRED I — SOMEONE WHO SIMULTANEOUSLY POSES VERY LITTLE THREAT AND IS FAR TOO ABRASIVE TO BE ANY SORT OF COMFORT TO SOMEONE WHO DOES — WAS AS A MOIRAIL.  


DAVE: hey dude it aint self hate hour i dont wanna hear any of that kinda thing  


DAVE: i mean unless youre down for a real feelings jam in which case—  


KARKAT: NO, SHUT UP, IT WAS  


KARKAT: NOTHING.  


DAVE: okay  


DAVE: but for the record karkat  


DAVE: i think youre actually really good at all that shit  


DAVE: like the feelings and the comfort thing  


DAVE: worth noting that i used my one allotted weekly emotion while talking to you  


DAVE: cause i dont know dude  


DAVE: i trust you  


KARKAT: ...OH  


DAVE: uh sorry was that a lot  


KARKAT: NO IT WAS. THANK YOU.  


KARKAT: I THINK YOU’RE GOOD AT IT TOO.  


DAVE: we both know that aint true man  


KARKAT: YOU’RE REALLY WORKING ON IT.  


DAVE: oh wow ‘working on it’  


DAVE: coach vantas am i gonna get the most improved trophy at the emotionball awards ceremony  


DAVE: whole pizza party thrown in my honor  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW, YOU’D THINK A KNIGHT OF TIME COULD YOU SPARE A MOMENT OF HIS PRECIOUS FUCKING ASPECT TO LET ME TALK, EVER!  


KARKAT: I MEAN IT. I’M NOT AN IDIOT, I SEE THIS ISN’T EASY FOR YOU, BUT YOU STILL MANAGE TO, IN THE MOMENTS YOU AREN’T BUSY SPOUTING INCOMPREHENSIBLE LEVELS OF BULLSHIT, BE A REALLY GOOD FRIEND.  


KARKAT: WHICH, GIVEN THE DIFFICULTY YOU CLEARLY HAVE WITH LITERALLY ANYTHING REGARDING EMOTIONS, HONESTLY MAKES HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT THIS KIND OF UNFATHOMABLE AND WHAT I WOULD CALL DEEPLY IMPRESSIVE IF I THOUGHT THAT WOULDN’T IMMEDIATELY GO TOWARDS FANNING YOUR ALREADY DANGEROUSLY INFLAMED EGO.  


DAVE: nah too late dude that comment was a cigarette on some dry ass leaves  


DAVE: now the whole ego forest is fucking alight and the co2 levels are going crazy and its a good thing earth got destroyed before the fire that is my narcissism completely destroyed the ozone layer  


KARKAT: ARE YOU PROUD OF THAT ONE?  


DAVE: not my best work but i thought it was alright  


DAVE: anyway yeah no its  


DAVE: i dont know man i just dont think its in my nature  


DAVE: all that emotion shit  


DAVE: it just aint like  


DAVE: ‘cool’  


DAVE: if that means literally anything  


KARKAT: IT DOESN’T.  


DAVE: yeah i know that aint something you care about and like maybe youre fucking right not to  


DAVE: i just  


DAVE: ah fuck shit okay im gonna go into this i guess  


DAVE: so as you may have picked up on based on every interaction weve had in the past two fucking years  


DAVE: i wasnt exactly raised with a lot of like  


DAVE: it’s like  


DAVE: bro just wasnt super emotive  


DAVE: ever  


DAVE: so of course i wouldnt be  


DAVE: fucking nature nurture whatever obviously growing up like that would fucking affect the way i am and the way i act  


DAVE: all this childhood shit goddamn i sound like im at therapy  


DAVE: somewhere on the meteor roses fucking psychic senses just alerted her that i have a new friend-therapist and shes pissed  


DAVE: and speaking of rose  


DAVE: when we talk about this shes always bringing up shit about ‘negligence’ and ‘abuse’ and  


DAVE: like shes prolly just making a big deal out of something that fucking wasnt like i was fine  


DAVE: i was fine  


DAVE: but i mean was i scared to leave my room to get a snack at night cause some grown ass man with a sword couldve appeared out of the fucking shadows? yeah obviously  


DAVE: and did i just end up hoarding those snacks cause he didnt fucking feed me? sure  


DAVE: and is the fact that i can barely talk about how im feeling once without needing to go on fucking emotional rest the result of barely ever talking to anyone growing up cause the guy who raised me almost never said a word to me? again, fucking *yeah*  


DAVE: shit  


DAVE: i dont know  


DAVE: it was kinda fucked up  


KARKAT: DAVE—  


DAVE: dude i meant it im good  


DAVE: sorry its like—  


KARKAT: CAN I HUG YOU?  


DAVE: oh  


DAVE: i mean   


DAVE: sure  


.  


He puts his hands on your shoulders, pulls you against him until your chest and his are flush. Really fucking warm. Your back is twisted at an awkward angle and his grip is just a bit too-tight, but you can feel his breath on the side of your face and the soft brush of his hair on your skin. You’ve gotten a lot better at the whole ‘touch’ thing — you’ve held his hand, put your arm around his shoulder, hell, you were lying with your head in his lap ten minutes ago — but the full-body hug, pressed fully against him and his old sweater and inhumanly warm body, it’s—   


It’s really fucking nice.   


.  


KARKAT: YOU CAN...  


KARKAT: YOU CAN TAKE YOUR TIME. FOR ANY OF IT.  


DAVE: big fucking promise there man  


DAVE: took me a year and a half to be able to fucking hold somebodys hand without promptly losing my shit  


DAVE: scientists pouring over the data predicting how long itll take me to be able to have a functional emotional process and it aint hopeful  


KARKAT: DON’T ACT LIKE IT ISN’T BETTER. YOU WOULDN’T HAVE SAID SHIT ABOUT THIS TO ME, MAYBE ANYONE, HALF A SWEEP AGO.  


KARKAT: YOU’RE MAKING PROGRESS. AND I’M NOT FUCKING GOOD AT THIS SHIT, OBVIOUSLY, BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. YOU’RE A FUCKING GOD. YOU HAVE TIME TO GET USED TO THIS.  


DAVE: ha ha time player  


KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT FUNNY.  


DAVE: what do you even keep me around for then  


KARKAT: CAUSE I FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU, ASSHOLE.  


KARKAT: A LOT.  


KARKAT: LIKE TO THE POINT WHERE I’M PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE A FUCKING FOOL OF MYSELF EVEN SAYING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE MANAGED TO MAKE YOURSELF UNFAIRLY IMPORTANT TO ME, SO YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT I’M GOING TO BE HERE WHILE YOU WORK THROUGH ALL OF YOUR BAGGAGE. YOU’RE NOT GETTING RID OF ME.  


DAVE: really into the super ominous support  


DAVE: nah but  


DAVE: thanks  


DAVE: youre  


DAVE: youre important to me too dude  


KARKAT: YEAH, I HOPE SO, OR I’M GOING TO BE REALLY FUCKING EMBARASSED.  


KARKAT: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  


DAVE: yeah dude i promise im not on the verge of a breakdown or some shit  


DAVE: ive actually uh  


DAVE: been meaning to talk to you about this for a while cause  


DAVE: congrats man youve reached the level of friendship where you get to hear about my fucking trauma i guess  


DAVE: jesus ‘trauma’ ive been talking to rose too much its not like  


DAVE: point is i wasnt really planning to just drop it all on you like that  


DAVE: makes it seem like more than it was like honestly all things considered i was fine but  


DAVE: i feel like it explains some shit  


KARKAT: HONESTLY, IT KIND OF DOES.  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW IT’S ALSO FINE, IF IT *ISN’T* FINE? IF IT’S JUST AS ‘MUCH’ AS IT SOUNDS?  


DAVE: ugh yeah i know  


DAVE: you know i talked about this with vriska  


DAVE: cause plot twist she had a surprisingly similar childhood  


DAVE: and i was just trying to tell her that she doesnt have to downplay the shit her fucking spidermom put her through  


DAVE: and its fine if vriska hates her. the spidermom. and its fine if she doesnt know how the fuck she does feel about it  


DAVE: and all that is true and like natch she deserves to hear that but also part of it was just...  


KARKAT: YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF?  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: pretty much  


DAVE: i feel so self aware and it kinda sucks  


KARKAT: I MEAN YOU’VE HAD A LOT OF FUCKING TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS.  


DAVE: too much time honestly  


.  


He hums. The sound buzzes against the side of your face. His fingers work through the tangled curls of your hair and, with his other hand, his thumb rubs small circles on your forearm. His nails are sharp, yeah, but he angles his fingers so he doesn’t scratch you. And that’s the thing about him. He’s just— he’s so loud. He talks so much, he’s so fucking open and obvious about every single thing he feels, ever, no disguising, no quiet, and yet, he’s—  


He’s really fucking gentle with you, when you need it.  


You don’t know what to do with that.  


.  


DAVE: huh speaking of pale right  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: oh nothing just saying  


DAVE: funny we were talking about pale shit and then immediately jumped into the most over dramatic feelings jam weve had yet at least on my part  


DAVE: serendipity, like your dumb romcom would say  


KARKAT: UH. YEAH.  


DAVE: okay youre all kinds of askance-glancing whats up  


KARKAT: NOTHING.  


DAVE: so thats fully a lie  


KARKAT: SHUT UP. I JUST. DIDN’T REALIZE THE MOVIE ENDED.  


DAVE: oh shit guess it did  


DAVE: damn guess im not getting that sweet pale education you promised  


DAVE: least till the next time you fucking hold me hostage to watch one of these  


KARKAT: YOU WERE COMPLETELY WILLING, AND BESIDES. YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WATCH.  


DAVE: sunglasses on dude  


DAVE: bring all your slander you want but you cant prove i wasnt 100% awake for that whole thing  


KARKAT: YOU SNORE, ASSHOLE.  


DAVE: now thats too far man  


DAVE: im writing up the papers to sue you for libel  


DAVE: and i call terezi as my lawyer  


KARKAT: GO AHEAD, SHE’LL IGNORE YOUR ACTUAL CASE AND TRY TO SOLVE A MURDER.  


DAVE: murder of my reputation  


KARKAT: I THINK YOUR REPUTATION COULD STAND A BIT OF ATTACK.  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: I SHOULD GO. BACK TO MY BLOCK.  


DAVE: you can stay dude  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: no pressure to  


DAVE: but i mean like youve said  


DAVE: its a big fucking bed  


DAVE: and your room is halfway across the meteor for some dumbass reason  


KARKAT: WELL, MOSTLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T EXPECT TO ACTUALLY ENJOY YOUR COMPANY ENOUGH TO MERIT LIVING ANYWHERE IN YOUR VICINITY.  


DAVE: aw dude you want to be in my vicinity  


KARKAT: IF YOU SO DESPERATELY NEED THE COMPLIMENT, TAKE IT.  


KARKAT: AND ARE YOU SURE? I DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU SLEEP ON THE FLOOR A-FUCKING-GAIN.  


DAVE: no man we can like  


DAVE: share  


DAVE: i think im at a point where i wont freak the fuck out if you like accidently bump into me in the middle of the night so  


KARKAT: OH.  


KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SURE.  


DAVE: wouldnt be offering if i wasnt  


DAVE: that good?  


KARKAT: YEAH.  


DAVE: want me to grab some sleepwear for you  


DAVE: if you can handle wearing something besides grey  


KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT ANY LESS MONOCHROME THAN ME, ASSHOLE. IT’S STILL ALL ONE COLOR IF IT’S JUST RED.  


DAVE: factually untrue  


DAVE: for gardening club im all decked out in green gloves  


DAVE: gotta fit kanayas aesthetic if you wanna garden with her  


DAVE: i mean admittedly terezi doesnt  


DAVE: but i also dont know if you can count her hovering around us eating half ripe fruit like its a challenge not to wait another three days as ‘gardening’ but  


KARKAT: DAVE.  


DAVE: yeah?  


KARKAT: I THINK YOU WERE GETTING ME PAJAMAS?  


DAVE: oh shit yeah  


DAVE: coming right up dude  


KARKAT: THANK YOU.  


DAVE: yeah, karkat  


DAVE: of course  


.  
.  


==>

  
.  
.  


DAVE: so  


DAVE: yall have both had moirallegiances right  


TEREZI: DUH!  


KANAYA: Well  


KANAYA: Yes  


TEREZI: W1TH TH3 S4M3 P3RSON!  


DAVE: oh shit who  


TEREZI: VR1SK4  


TEREZI: OBV1OUSLY  


TEREZI: 1V3 N3V3R B33N P4L3 FOR 4NYON3 3LS3 >:/  


DAVE: woah kanaya when was this ive never heard this gossip  


KANAYA: There Isnt Any Gossip Really  


KANAYA: Before The Game We Had A Briefly Lived Pale Relationship  


KANAYA: It  


KANAYA: Hmm  


DAVE: if its like a thing you dont gotta go into it  


KANAYA: No Its Fine  


KANAYA: I Just Don’t Know If I Am A Good Source As Our Relationship Was Doomed From The Beginning  


KANAYA: In Her I Was Looking For A Flushed Relationship And In Me I Think She Was Looking For Someone Else  


TEREZI: >:?  


KANAYA: I Found What I Was Looking For In Rose — (A Far Better Match For Me Flushedwise No Disrespect To Vriska) — And She, Well  


KANAYA: It Seems She Found You Terezi  


TEREZI: OH!!  


TEREZI: OH  


TEREZI: >:]  


DAVE: haha thats so damn sappy  


DAVE: happy that that worked out for yall though  


DAVE: genuinely  


KANAYA: I Really Dont Have Much Else To Offer Besides The Cultural Knowledge  


DAVE: its chill i think terezi has enough personal experience for both of us  


TEREZI: Y3AH >:]  


TEREZI: WHY 4R3 YOU 4SK1NG?  


KANAYA: I Did Think You Had Retired The Interview Portion Of Your Study  


DAVE: yeah but i still got curiosities  


DAVE: like i get the nuances of how pale is different than flushed and how its more complex than friendship  


DAVE: and all the ceremonies that go with it but  


DAVE: like  


DAVE: how do you know  


DAVE: like what makes it so you know that this is different than just being really close bros  


TEREZI: HMMM  


KANAYA: I May Not Be Fit To Answer This One  


KANAYA: I Was It Seems In It For The Wrong — Flushed — Reasons  


TEREZI: M3 4ND VR1SK4 W3R3 MO1R41LS WH3N W3 W3R3 R34LLY YOUNG!  


TEREZI: 1 DONT R3ALLY R3M3MB3R WHY, B4CK TH3N >:/  


TEREZI: WH3N YOU KNOW SOM3ON3 TH4T LONG, 4ND C4R3 4BOUT H3R TH4T MUCH, SH3 JUST G3TS SORT OF WR1TT3N 1NTO YOUR L1F3!  


TEREZI: SO 1T W4S SORT OF 1N3V1T4BL3 TH4T W3D 3ND UP 1N 4 QU4DR4NT, 4ND P4L3 1S TH3 MOST COMMON WH3N YOUR3 4 K1D  


KANAYA: (Dave Could You Hand Me The Spade?)  


DAVE: (sure thing)  


TEREZI: 1T W4S W31RD FOR 4 B1T, ON TH3 M3T3OR  


DAVE: (was there an erotic thing with these for yall)  


DAVE: (you know. garden spade. romance spade)  


KANAYA: (Hmm. Yes)  


DAVE: (wait actually)  


TEREZI: 1 H4D V3RY R3C3NTLY THR34T3N3D TO K1LL H3R  


DAVE: (wait kanaya actually)  


KANAYA: (Listen To Terezi)  


TEREZI: BUT 1T W4S...  


TEREZI: SH3S B33N TH3 FOC4L PO1NT OF N34RLY 3V3RYTH1NG 1V3 DON3, FOR SW33PS  


TEREZI: 3V3N WH3N 1 W4S F1GHT1NG W1TH H3R, SH3 W4S ST1LL MOT1V4T1NG 3V3RYTH1NG 1 W4S DO1NG  


TEREZI: 4ND 1 R34L1Z3D TH4T F1GHT1NG H3R SUCKS, 4CTU4LLY!  


TEREZI: SO G3TT1NG THE CH4NC3 TO R3CONN3CT W1TH H3R 1N 4 W4Y TH4T W4S L3SS...  


DAVE: murdery?  


TEREZI: SUR3  


TEREZI: SH3 N33D3D SOM3ON3 1N TH4T QU4DR4NT, 1N TH3 4FT3RM4TH OF 4LL TH3 MURD3RY STUFF  


TEREZI: 4ND, HON3STLY, 1 JUST M1SS3D G3TT1NG TO B3 4ROUND H3R! 4ND 4LSO H3LP H3R. 4ND  


TEREZI: YOU KNOW  


DAVE: goddamn terezi  


DAVE: thats fucking beautiful  


DAVE: no fucking around  


TEREZI: 1 KNOW >:]  


DAVE: so was it just having a pale precedent that let you want to refill that role  


DAVE: like i just dont get how that instinct is different from like a help out your bro instinct  


TEREZI: HMMM  


KANAYA: Hmm  


KANAYA: I Think It Is Similar To A Flushed Relationship In The Sense That It Really Comes Down To A Depth Of Connection And Personal Desire  


KANAYA: As Much As I Value You As A Friend Terezi I Dont Have Any Real Desire To Pap You Or Share My More Intimate Secrets And Worries, Any More Than I Have A Desire To Kiss You  


TEREZI: >;]  


TEREZI: TH4TS PR3TTY MUCH 1T, D4V3! FOR US, ‘FR13NDSH1P’ W4S R4R3R  


KANAYA: Possibly Due To The Expectation Of Friendships Ending In Maiming And Or Death  


TEREZI: SO YOUR MO1R41L 1S ONLY OF TH3 ONLY, SOM3T1M3S ONLY, P3RSON YOU R34LLY TRUST 4ND CONF1D3 1N  


TEREZI: SO YOU H4V3 TO R34LLY W4NT TH4T CLOS3N3SS W1TH TH4T P3RSON!  


DAVE: huh  


DAVE: okay that makes sense  


DAVE: but now were at a place where were friends here  


DAVE: and were not all pressured to kill each other  


DAVE: so if you aint got some sort of pale history to reconnect using how do you  


DAVE: like hypothetically  


DAVE: how would *i* know  


DAVE: if i was pale for someone  


KANAYA: Ah  


TEREZI: OH!  


DAVE: no look  


TEREZI: >;]  


KANAYA: I Should Have Guessed This  


DAVE: hypothetically  


DAVE: a pure fucking manifestation of an idea that has no goddamn tie to reality like look this is fictional shit  


DAVE: for my thesis  


KANAYA: Of Course Dave  


DAVE: hypothetically  


DAVE: like look im just a human guy i aint used to this kind of thing if this kind of thing was even a thing i felt which it aint cause again hypothetical  


DAVE: like in this fictional situation theres somebody i, a human, really fucking care about and trust and want to be around a lot and also help out and calm down and hang out with and is basically like one of the most important people to me  


DAVE: hypothetically  


DAVE: and that somebody is a troll  


DAVE: and its just a lot of feeling but it could just be a bro thing but if it isnt then like how the fuck am i, a human guy, supposed to know what to with yalls goddamn romance system  


TEREZI: W3LL, 1T DO3S SOUND MOR3 NU4NC3D TH4N 4 FR13NDSH1P  


KANAYA: Hypothetically  


KANAYA: Why Do You Immediately Assume This Relationship Would Be Pale  


KANAYA: It Sounds Like It Has Multiple Redrom Possibilities  


DAVE: cause hes  


DAVE: fuck  


DAVE: okay assume again hypothetically that the person in question was also a guy  


KANAYA: Now This May Be Too Much Of A Stretch Of The Imagination  


DAVE: ha ha  


DAVE: anyway  


DAVE: like i know this just aint a thing for yall and like maybe youre better off for it but like if this was gonna be a thing for me with a guy it would be pale  


DAVE: some humans just dont do romance with specific genders  


TEREZI: P4L3 1S... ST1LL ROM4NC3?  


DAVE: yeah but like  


DAVE: there isnt sex  


KANAYA: There Really Isnt An Overwhelming Difference Between The Genders When It Comes To Sex You Know  


DAVE: yeah i know karkats novel collection is not pg  


DAVE: and its not just that  


DAVE: like the whole idea of romance which, for human folks, is just flushed, is just held as its own *thing*, and based on who you date in that flushed sense thats what decides the gay thing and im not  


DAVE: im  


DAVE: look i just  


DAVE: it wouldnt be flushed for me about a guy can we talk about the pale thing again  


TEREZI: YOU W3R3 TH3 ON3 WHO BROUGHT 1T UP!  


KANAYA: But In Answer To Your Question It Does Sound Like You May Be Pale For This  


KANAYA: Purely Hypothetical  


KANAYA: Person  


TEREZI: Y3P!  


DAVE: huh  


DAVE: okay  


DAVE: cool  


DAVE: and again mad fucking imagining were doing here hope you can keep but with all these goddamn hypotheticals  


DAVE: what if i wanted to  


DAVE: pursue that  


DAVE: hypothetical relationship  


TEREZI: YOU T3LL H1M!  


KANAYA: Who Could Have Ever Guessed Such An Outlandish Solution  


KANAYA: Tell Him  


DAVE: man kinda hate that i put a pronoun on this it all feels very targeted  


KANAYA: Surely Terezi And I Will Stop Ourselves From Perusing The Grand Catalogue Of Possible Men You Could Be Talking About Before We Reach Any Conclusion  


DAVE: thanks  


DAVE: but okay yeah talking but like uh  


DAVE: what if hes  


DAVE: not into that  


DAVE: like im hot shit mad fuckin pitiable  


DAVE: palebait basically  


DAVE: but uh  


DAVE: what if its just bro shit for him  


TEREZI: 1 4M 1M4G1N1NG TH1S HYPOTH3T1C4L P3RSON TO B3 4 HUG3 ROM4NT1C  


KANAYA: With A Tendency To Fall For Those He Befriends And Spends Time Around  


TEREZI: 4ND G1V3N YOUR D3SCR1P1ON OF TH3 HYPOTH3T1C4L 4MOUNT T1M3 TH3 TWO OF YOU H4V3 SP3NT TOG3TH3R...  


KANAYA: It Does Feel Likely That It May Lean Pale For Him As Well  


DAVE: ugh okay but like  


DAVE: like you said he does fall for folks easy so even if he is into it how will i know if its even a real thing  


DAVE: god this is so fucking gay  


TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOU JUST V3RY CL34RLY 3XPL41N3D 4LL TH3 V4L1D 4ND NOT HUM4N BULLSH1T R34SONS IT *1SNT* ‘G4Y’!  


KANAYA: I Was Fully Convinced  


DAVE: please im being very fucking open here i need help  


TEREZI: YOU DONT, 4CTU4LLY!  


TEREZI: H3S P4L3 FOR YOU  


TEREZI: D3F1N1T3LY  


DAVE: did he uh  


DAVE: say something about it to yall  


KANAYA: How Would A Hypothetical Person Say Something To Either Of Us?  


DAVE: please  


TEREZI: >;]  


KANAYA: I Believe My Matesprit Is Calling Me   


KANAYA: I Really Should Be Off  


KANAYA: Dave I Trust You Can Finish Repotting The Seedlings  


DAVE: kanaya  


TEREZI: WOW TH1S 1S CR4ZY  


TEREZI: ROS3 1S 4LSO C4LL1NG M3!  


KANAYA: What A Coincidence  


DAVE: guys  


KANAYA: We Really Have To Go  


KANAYA: You Remember To Use The Worm Casting Right?  


DAVE: so this is a yes right  


DAVE: thats what the cagey bullshit means, hes said something about this to you  


DAVE: right  


KANAYA: Goodbye Dave  


TEREZI: L4T3R!  


DAVE: fuck both of you seriously  


TEREZI: >;]  


DAVE: ugh  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: what the fuck is worm casting  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: i also dont know what worm casting is
> 
> i have a couple things say about this chapter so im just gonna go off if thats cool
> 
> \- dave at this stage is so fucking hard to write, especially vis a vis serious shit. that being said, i tried to be fairly intentional with my choices. he has been planning to talk about this with karkat, it didn't come out of nowhere. however, a big thing with the way i write dave in this fic is that he has a lot of difficulties outright saying things (later, in regards to his sexuality), so a lot of times he just. implies stuff. like saying 'rose says this was negligence and abuse' or 'vriska has complicated feelings about whether or not she hates her guardian and her situation is similar to mine' instead of just saying what that clearly implies. you get it. point is, im not completely happy with this chapter but jesus its been almost a month
> 
> -that conversation with vriska dave mentioned was a reference to a scene i actually started writing but never got around to finishing. it might be its own one-off fic in the soapbox universe one day if i can get it to a place where i like it
> 
> -i just think terezi and kanaya are good friends and get along well
> 
> -hope you enjoyed the first of three (3) times terezi makes some speech about how much she loves vriska. there will be more.
> 
> that being said, thank yall so much for reading!!! have a lovely day!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: dave being sappy

You’re lying in his lap, looking up at him — and you could trace the droop of his eyelids from memory, the curve of his chin and the spatter of freckles. The movie is reflected on the surface of his eyes — and the movie is shit, the movies are always shit, but they’re a little less so when you watch them reflected back to you in that yellow-red tint.  


He makes you sappy, and you’re not even pissed about it.  


His hand is in your hair, fingers working through the knots in the curls with a tenderness antithetical to the sharp of his claws. It’s just comfort. The kind of comfort you spent two years trying your damnedest not to feel, not to want, to stay stiff-shouldered and unyielding when all you want to do is melt against him. The kind of comfort you fall into, enough that you don’t realize the credits are rolling until he’s looking down at you, eyes no longer catching the screenlight.  


He’s all furrowed eyebrows and small smile, and when you poke his palm, it turns — inexplicably, without reason — into a hand hold.  


.  


DAVE: dude whats up  


KARKAT: NOTHING.  


DAVE: cmon man were at that point  


DAVE: i know what it looks like when youve got something on your thinkpan  


DAVE: god troll words are so dumbass  


DAVE: but really the nights still young wanna feelings jam?  


KARKAT: UGH.  


DAVE: not cryptic at all dude  


DAVE: spill it  


KARKAT: NO THIS IS EXACTLY IT!  


KARKAT: THANK YOU DAVE FOR YOUR FUCKING THREE SENTENCE EXPOSÉ ON EXACTLY WHAT’S ‘UP’  


DAVE: concisest damn thing ive ever managed  


DAVE: and yet i still dont know what the fuck i said  


KARKAT: AND YOU SHOULD STAY THAT WAY!  


DAVE: nope dude were in this now  


DAVE: no fuckin secrets it honesty time  


KARKAT: IT’S JUST  


KARKAT: OKAY.  


KARKAT: YOU’VE BEEN GOING ON AND ON ABOUT THE ‘EYE-OPENING TRANSCENDENTAL EXPERIENCE’ THAT IS YOUR THESIS ON TROLL ROMANCE.  


DAVE: yeah i stand by that  


KARKAT: SO YOU MUST KNOW  


KARKAT: HOW PALE ALL OF THIS IS.  


DAVE: uh  


KARKAT: BUT NO! I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THAT!  


KARKAT: APPARENTLY, THE ONLY WAY TO EVER MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP IS TO NOT BRING UP THE OBVIOUS FUCKING IMPLICATIONS OF ALL OF THE PROXIMITY AND FEELINGS JAMS AND ALL OF THE SHIT WE DO ON A REGULAR BASIS!  


KARKAT: BECAUSE IT’S ALL THIS—  


DAVE: dude shut up  


DAVE: sorry just  


DAVE: give me a second okay  


KARKAT: FOR FUCKING WHAT?  


DAVE: to think without you deciding that this has to be some big thing  


DAVE: like  


DAVE: okay  


DAVE: so its pale  


DAVE: what weve been doing  


KARKAT: AS I FUCKING SAID, YEAH!  


DAVE: sure  


KARKAT: ‘SURE’?  


DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: haha im gonna be a little open and honest for a second here  


DAVE: i really care about you karkat  


DAVE: like you are the person ive gotten closest to, besides rose, pretty much ever  


DAVE: so if were doing pale stuff anyway  


DAVE: i dont see why we cant just slap the label on it and be moirails?  


KARKAT: UH  


DAVE: yeah see not so fun to have it turned on you  


KARKAT: MOIRAILS AREN’T JUST CLOSE FRIENDS, DAVE.  


KARKAT: IT’S A LOT FUCKING MORE THAN THAT.  


DAVE: dude i know  


DAVE: eye-opening transcendental experience remember  


DAVE: im the goddamn pioneer in working out if and how humans can feel love in different quadrants  


DAVE: and the answer is they fucking can, and its the same way yall do  


DAVE: dumbass clubs quadrant aside  


DAVE: and i mean  


DAVE: its not like i havent thought about it  


DAVE: a lot  


DAVE: me maybe kinda almost-definitely being pale  


DAVE: for you  


KARKAT: DAVE—  


DAVE: unless youre not into that  


DAVE: like maybe you were like ‘THIS IS PALE’ like it *shouldnt* be pale because uh  


DAVE: the whole best-bros deal we got going is fucking great  


DAVE: and we can just chill like that  


DAVE: because i really do genuinely fucking care about you and i dont  


DAVE: uh  


DAVE: dude did you just pap me  


KARKAT: MAYBE  


DAVE: is this like the palerom equivalent of that ‘kiss someone in the middle of their “i like you” ramble’ trope  


KARKAT: YEAH IT'S KINDA EXACTLY THAT.  


DAVE: ok that does track  


KARKAT: IF YOU LEAVE TO WRITE THIS DOWN FOR YOUR THESIS I'M ENDING THIS MOIRALLEGIANCE BEFORE IT BEGINS!  


DAVE: so uh  


DAVE: this is gonna be a moirallegiance?  


KARKAT: I MEAN  


KARKAT: IF YOU WANT IT TO BE  


KARKAT: THEN YEAH  


DAVE: are you *pale* for me, karkat vantas?  


KARKAT: NOT IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A DICK ABOUT IT!  


DAVE: nah its too late  


DAVE: i can see those shitty diamond jpegs in your pupils when you look at me  


DAVE: head over shitty two-year-old gray converse in pale love with yours truly  


DAVE: like really dude do you want new shoes we can alchemize some no sweat  


KARKAT: MY SHOES ARE FINE.  


KARKAT: AND IF YOU WANT TO STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE FOR A FUCKING SECOND AND A HALF, THEN I’LL SAY THAT I AM, SOMEHOW, AGAINST EVERY OUNCE OF MY BETTER JUDGEMENT AND ADMITTEDY LACKING SENSE OF SELF-PRESEVERATION, QUITE FUCKING PALE FOR YOU!  


DAVE: sick  


KARKAT: FUCK YOU I’M TRYING TO HAVE A CONFESSION HERE!  


DAVE: and im trying to say how genuinely sick it is that, palewise, you like me and i like you and were gonna be the best moirails on this rock  


DAVE: suck it vrisrezi  


KARKAT: THERE IS A 60% CHANCE THAT VRISKA IS LISTENING IN AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I’D KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.  


DAVE: im not the one yelling, dude  


DAVE: and im not ashamed of being such a great moirail holy shit karkat youre not even ready for how good at this im gonna be  


KARKAT: FOR SOME REASON, WHICH PROBABLY SPEAKS TO A FATAL LAPSE IN MY COGNITIVE ABILITIES, I ACTUALLY THINK YOU WILL BE.  


DAVE: huh  


DAVE: thank you, karkat  


DAVE: you too dude  


KARKAT: SO  


KARKAT: HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  


DAVE: how the fuck would i know  


DAVE: i never even went on a human date let alone any pale thing  


KARKAT: I DON’T THINK IT HAS TO BE THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE’VE BEEN DOING, IF THAT’S BEEN WORKING FOR US? MY WHOLE FUCKING POINT WAS THAT WE’VE BASICALLY BEEN MOIRAILS WITHOUT CALLING IT THAT.  


DAVE: so its all banter and handholding and occasional fits of comfort and feelings jams from here on out?  


KARKAT: IF THAT SOUNDS GOOD TO YOU.  


DAVE: sounds great, dude  


DAVE: got anything you wanna share right now?  


DAVE: our first real feelings jam  


DAVE: consummating our moirallegiance here and now  


DAVE: youre the rich handsome conciliatory bachelor  


DAVE: im all blushing and nervous, pale-virginal  


DAVE: ‘ive never done this before, mr vantas—’  


KARKAT: OH MY GOD SHUT UP  


DAVE: youre laughing  


KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.  


DAVE: nah dude i see you all in your giggles  


DAVE: losing it over my top tier comedy  


KARKAT: THAT ISN’T EVEN AN APT FUCKING METAPHOR!  


DAVE: pretty sure i got it in one, actually  


DAVE: yeah no checking page twelve of the thesis, says right there, ‘compare feelings jams to sex, most apt and reasonable metaphor, youve just bridged the cultural gap, congrats’  


KARKAT: WELL, WHO WOULD I BE TO QUESTION THE PINNACLE OF CROSS-CULTURAL UNDERSTANDING THAT IS YOUR TWENTY PAGES OF TANGENTS AND BULLSHIT METAPHORS?  


DAVE: aw man dont come for my magnum opus like that  


DAVE: not sure how much of this game shit was predestined or fated or whatever but im 100% positive that i was born to write a thesis on troll romance  


DAVE: ‘sides dude where would you and i even be, palewise, without it  


KARKAT: I SUPPOSE IT’S GOOD FOR SOMETHING.  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: ARE YOU... SURE ABOUT THIS, DAVE?  


DAVE: what do you mean?  


KARKAT: THIS. THE MOIRALLEGIANCE. WITH ME.  


DAVE: dude  


KARKAT: NO FUCKING LISTEN.  


KARKAT: I’M ALLOWED TO BE NERVOUS, OKAY?  


KARKAT: I’VE BEEN BEING KIND OF A CAGEY ASSHOLE BUT, DAVE. I AM SO FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.  


KARKAT: AND I DON’T WANT. I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE JUST A THING WE TRY OUT IN OUR FRIENDSHIP. IT’S FINE IF YOU JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS OR IF YOU’RE THINKING IT OVER NOW AND REALIZING THAT YOUR DEPTH OF FEELING DOESN’T ACTUALLY MATCH A REAL FUCKING RELATIONSHIP, I WON’T BE UPSET, BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE A FEW PERIGEES INTO THIS WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT THAT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY—  


DAVE: karkat holy shit  


KARKAT: FUCK. SORRY.  


DAVE: no man just  


DAVE: dont apologize just listen to me  


DAVE: i promise this aint some spur of the moment thing  


DAVE: and i aint pissed that youre unsure about that cause ya know  


DAVE: me being a human person its not like something i innately know but  


DAVE: i mean ive been trying to learn  


DAVE: like i went to kanaya and terezi for advice about this  


DAVE: put myself at the mercy of troll girls whove just realized theres some sweet gossip to sus out and you know that mercy is fucking nonexistent but i did it dude  


DAVE: cause ive been thinking about  


DAVE: how i feel about you and  


DAVE: god i know the whole point of being moirails is the emotion shit but fuck its still tough  


KARKAT: YEAH, I FUCKING GET IT.  


KARKAT: BUT I  


KARKAT: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU ASKED THEM.  


KARKAT: PROBABLY SHOULD’VE GUESSED, WITH TEREZI DOING HER WHOLE OVERDRAMATIC WINKING THING, BUT I FIGURED THAT WAS JUST HER BEING HER WEIRD FUCKING SELF, SO I DIDN’T THINK MUCH OF IT.  


KARKAT: THAT’S ACTUALLY. THANK YOU.  


DAVE: of course karkat  


DAVE: ...youre still nervous im sensing  


KARKAT: I GUESS I’M GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO YOU BEING ABLE TO READ ME, IF WE’RE DOING THIS.  


DAVE: me reading you aint new man  


DAVE: and i mean this in the most complimentary sense: dude, youre transparent as shit  


DAVE: im emotionally illiterate and i can read you like a sad middle schooler reads a six hundred page novel in a day cause they aint got nobody to talk to  


KARKAT: SOUNDS VERY COMPLIMENTARY!  


DAVE: it is man  


DAVE: i really like that about you  


DAVE: youve got a lot of emotions and you show them more than i thought folks were capable of showing emotions honestly  


DAVE: its kinda inexplicable to me but karkat, its really impressive too  


KARKAT: OH.  


DAVE: yeah, dude  


DAVE: and its perfect cause someones gotta balance out my emotional inaccessibility right  


DAVE: not that this is gonna be one of those ‘shitty one party does all the emotional labor’ moiraillegences  


DAVE: fuck no im gonna be so supportive  


DAVE: you even ready dude? im gonna pap you now if thats cool with you  


KARKAT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK, DAVE.  


DAVE: i know. but i dont mind  


.  


And like you’ve seen done in a hundred fucking troll romcoms by now, like you just saw him do, you lightly pat the side of his face. Just once. He rolls his eyes and laughs a little, like y’all are still joking around, but you can see a blush high in his cheekbones, and a sincerity in the lips-parted smile he gives you. You’re not quite sure how this works, still, thesis be damned, but he’s looking at you like you’re doing something right. You smile back at him. Then, slightly-unsure, fingers just barely shaking, you press your hand to his cheek again, and rest it there. His skin is warm. You like this way that he looks at you, you decide, as you brush your thumb over his skin.  


(You could kiss him right now, you think.  


You stop thinking that.)  


.  


KARKAT: I HOPE YOU’RE AWARE, DAVE, THAT YOU AREN’T ACTUALLY ‘EMOTIONALLY INACCESSIBILE’ OR ‘EMOTIONALLY ILLITERATE’ OR WHATEVER OTHER FAUX-JOKING, SELF-DEPRECATING TITLES YOU’VE CROWNED YOURSELF WITH.  


KARKAT: SORRY TO SAY, BUT YOU’RE ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKING GOOD AT ALL THIS.  


DAVE: damn guess thats just my fate  


DAVE: cant escape being great fucking moirail  


KARKAT: A DREADFUL FUCKING DESTINY, SURELY.  


DAVE: i think ill manage  


DAVE: so you believe me then? that im all in on this?  


KARKAT: I AM BEGINNING TO BE CONVINCED.  


DAVE: just wait dude  


DAVE: people are gonna swear by us one day  


DAVE: thats how real this shit it  


KARKAT: WOW, YOU’RE GETTING A BIT EMOTIONALLY ACCESSIBLE THERE, DAVE.  


DAVE: nothing to be done about it man  


DAVE: its just fate  


.  


.  


==>

  


.  


.  


ROSE: So I suppose congratulations are in order?  


DAVE: jesus fuck rose this weighs like ten pounds  


DAVE: i know for a fact that you didnt find a champagne bottle this big what did you get kanaya to use her space powers just to make it heavy enough to break my bones when you drop it directly on my fucking legs  


DAVE: also and i mean this in the least nagging brother way possible but i really dont think anyone with those strilonde genes should be near the bubbly  


ROSE: Sparkling apple cider, Dave. No alcohol content whatsoever.  


ROSE: But still fit to christen your new relationship.  


DAVE: oh shouldve guessed  


DAVE: that that was what this is about  


ROSE: All jokes and comically large bottles of sparkling cider aside, I was very pleased to hear about you and Karkat, though I do wish the news had come from you.  


DAVE: rose its been twelve hours  


DAVE: ten of which i was sleeping  


DAVE: not my fault karkat hasnt gotten on that diurnal schedule — whatever the fuck that means anymore — and decided to spend those hours gossiping to kanaya or vrisrezi or whoever  


ROSE: Hmm. I suppose I can work towards forgiving you.  


DAVE: thanks  


DAVE: so what are you here to grill me about how gay this is  


ROSE: Please don’t assume malintent from me, Dave. I simply wanted to offer you my congratulations and perhaps engage in some camaraderic sibling discussion on the exact nature of this relationship.  


ROSE: However, your question does prompt some of my own, about how gay you think it is. Interesting that that was the first thing you had to say about it, no?  


DAVE: your congratulations are appreciated  


DAVE: and as for the nature of our relationship  


DAVE: its pale  


DAVE: which i would say is in fact the least gay quadrant  


ROSE: I must say that, despite Karkat and mine’s — and Vriska’s, I suppose — literary meetings, and the knowledge I have gained from your prolific thesis, I have seen no evidence that pale is that much less gay than its three peers.  


ROSE: Aside from the obvious sexual elements it lacks.  


DAVE: and id argue that what makes something gay is largely the ‘sexual elements’  


DAVE: it isnt gay to care about a guy  


DAVE: to do all the pale bullshit, holding hands and talking about your feelings  


DAVE: the only reason people thought that shit was gay is because of fuck tons of masculinity bullshit and performative emotional distancing for the sake of some contradictory ideal of ‘coolness’  


DAVE: and dammit youve got me using all that psychobabble point is  


DAVE: if i were to be engaging in all kinds of sloppy makeouts with the guy then yeah sure slap the gay label on me  


DAVE: but im not  


DAVE: theres nothing inherently gay about affection  


ROSE: Hmm. Alright.  


ROSE: That is a well made point about the pale quadrant.  


DAVE: thanks its not like ive been doing anything besides studying this bullshit relationship structure for two years  


ROSE: However  


DAVE: great  


ROSE: No, if you want I’ll stop.  


DAVE: what  


ROSE: Really, Dave. I’m not trying to antagonize you here.  


ROSE: I did intend to ask you more about the relationship, but not specifically to make you justify your sexuality or challenge the ideas you’ve constructed regarding how moirallegiance fits in with that.  


ROSE: I, obviously, have some thoughts and ideas for you to consider, because I do, in fact, worry about you. However, I don’t wish to force those ideas on you if you are not ready or comfortable.  


ROSE: If you’d rather, we can drink this giant bottle of cider and you can fill me in on all the details of how exactly you ended up with Karkat as a moirail, and I can resolutely not comment on any of the inevitable freudian slips.  


DAVE: hmm  


DAVE: nah its fine you can psychoanalyze me  


DAVE: do your worst dr lalonde  


DAVE: are all my repressed gay tendencies a symptom of the lack of love i received as a child  


ROSE: No; rather, the fact that you see that as an option speaks to the possibility that you see your (possibly extant) gayness as something inflicted upon you by circumstance rather than something inherent.  


DAVE: goddamn  


ROSE: But, genuinely, are you sure?  


ROSE: I really don’t want to push you.  


DAVE: no look my head is an indescribable cesspool of every version of every thought i could have at a given occasion  


DAVE: im here at this gay check-up for a second opinion  


ROSE: I am a licensed gay practitioner, as you know.  


ROSE: I was the youngest person to be awarded a PhD in Gay Psychoanalytics from Lesbian U.  


DAVE: i know i was there  


DAVE: your speech to the student body was exceptionally moving  


ROSE: Thank you.  


ROSE: So.  


ROSE: I think what really struck me about what you said regarding the relationship between the nature of pale relationships and what is falsely considered ‘gay’ is that you are completely correct— an action in and of itself cannot be gay.  


ROSE: However, connotations and the sexualities of the people involved do matter.  


ROSE: Let’s consider another situation that is not inherently gay. I read to someone while her head is on my shoulder.   


DAVE: still a little gay  


ROSE: Unlike holding someone’s hand and talking about your feelings?  


DAVE: touché  


ROSE: So, head on shoulder, reading. First consider this situation with myself and Kanaya.  


DAVE: i dont gotta ‘consider’ it yall do this all the time in our public fucking living room  


ROSE: So, then, it is a concrete, extant, and reasonable event. Perfect.   


ROSE: Now, consider the same scenario, only we replace Kanaya with Terezi.  


DAVE: ok weird  


ROSE: So there is a difference between these two scenarios?  


ROSE: Why? All three people involved are attracted to women. The action is not inherently gay, and the people involved don’t have differing sexualities that would complicate the matter?  


DAVE: but you and terezi arent dating  


ROSE: Exactly.  


ROSE: Though the interaction is not inherently gay, it becomes so when it is between myself and Kanaya, because she and I are in a relationship.  


DAVE: yeah this all tracks  


ROSE: So you could say something similar about yourself and Karkat.  


ROSE: Talking about your feelings, holding hands, sleeping in each others rooms, even engaging in a pale relationship — none of this is inherently gay. If the two of you are removed from the context of mutual attraction, then those actions are not gay.  


DAVE: and yet i feel like this isnt the conclusion  


ROSE: But what we lack in this reading is that not only does context clarify actions, but actions are a product of their context.  


ROSE: The reason the Terezi example felt odd is because I wouldn’t be reading to her with her head on my shoulder, regardless of the fact that the action is not ‘inherently gay’, because two of us are not dating. It is an essentially flawed example because it operates off of a false premise. It is a hypothetical that, based on mine and Terezi’s personal ideas of friendly boundaries, would never come to fruition.  


ROSE: Therefore, reading to someone while her head is on my shoulder is, for me, an inherently gay action, because it would only occur in the context of that person being someone for whom I had romantic feelings.  


DAVE: i think i see where this is going  


ROSE: Would you like to take it?  


DAVE: nah go ahead  


ROSE: No, your moirallegiance with Karkat would not gay, in a context in which you are straight and there is no romantic attraction present. But this is also a flawed premise.  


ROSE: Though it lacks the sexual elements and small nuances that liken the flushed quadrant to human love, a moirallegiance is still an incredibly deep connection between two individuals, even if it is a different context than what we tend to define as a romantic relationship. However it is, by definition, an integral part of troll romance, and therefore romantic.  


DAVE: so me and karkat wouldnt be in a pale relationship if there wasnt romantic attraction, because pale attraction is a type of romantic attraction, and because its aimed at a guy, its at least a bit gay  


DAVE: thats the point were getting to  


ROSE: Exactly.  


DAVE: ok i gotta call bullshit on this a little bit  


DAVE: context yeah got it  


DAVE: ill admit if i was gay then yeah that context would be important  


DAVE: but about pale thoughts = gay thoughts, pale attraction isnt what we are using a sexuality determinant  


DAVE: i have kanayas statement from a fucking year ago, about how shes pretty sure shes an ‘earth lesbian’, but wouldnt be averse to a pale relationship with a guy the way she would with a flushed/pitch relationship  


DAVE: if you were in a conciliatory relationship with a guy i dont think youd start being bi  


DAVE: its not the same thing  


ROSE: Hmm.  


ROSE: That is not a point without merit.  


ROSE: However, as your editor in chief, I have read that interview more than once, and note that Kanaya also says that the pale inclinations she has felt for men differ greatly from the pale feelings she had for, say, Vriska.  


DAVE: didnt she have a flushed crush on vriska  


DAVE: i think that explains itself pretty well  


ROSE: That was an example, Dave.  


ROSE: I cannot speak for Kanaya any more than to restate her words. However, a lot of very close, pale-level friendships — at least, in my experience and understanding — between queer women tend to adopt a sort of sapphic element of their own rite. Not all, of course, and it isn’t as if there is some hidden tension there necessarily, but there is something about the connection that is not lacking queer influence. An equally close friendship, or moirallegiance, between myself and a man would obviously lack such an element.  


ROSE: Of course, moirallegiance is an idea formed by a culture that did not have a concept of sexuality as we do, and trying to force the two ideas together in this way is honestly pointless, but for the sake of argument.  


ROSE: I suppose all we can say is, the pale quadrant does not ‘make you gay’, but, in the right context, pale feelings can overlap with feelings associated with human romantic relationships, those we would consider gay.  


DAVE: but thats not my context  


DAVE: mine and karkats  


ROSE: I trust what you tell me on the subject.  


ROSE: Besides, I actually did have another point.  


DAVE: oh shit two for one diagnoses  


ROSE: Not two-for-one, you will be charged separately.  


DAVE: damn no sibling discount?  


ROSE: I’m trying to keep open a business here. Provide for my wife and many children. I am the capitalist dream.  


ROSE: But as I was saying, my other point.  


ROSE: Begrudgingly as you did, you were the first one to suggest that your moiralligence is gay.  


ROSE: In the past, you have joked about doing and saying ‘gay’ things. As far as I have seen, you have a preoccupation with whether your outward appearance betrays some internal gayness.  


ROSE: Almost as if — like I suggested earlier — you are tenuously alright with being gay on your periphery, in your words and actions and freudian slips, as long as it does not permeate into your inherent self.  


ROSE: You have learned to accept doing something, saying something, and even engaging in a relationship that happens to be, at least slightly, gay. You clearly have no issue with others being gay. Where you reach a standstill, I presume, is labelling your actual, internal self as ‘gay’.  


DAVE: damn.  


ROSE: Dave?  


DAVE: okay look  


DAVE: rose  


DAVE: its not...  


DAVE: its not like i dont *know*  


DAVE: like im not a fucking idiot i know that i cant act like the gayest thing since that deeply homoerotic troll wrestling movie me and karkat watched  


DAVE: — tangent im gonna show you that one its so goddamn funny and karkat thinks its the height of pale pitch vacillation when really its just dudes being sweaty and gay —  


DAVE: like i was saying, i know i cant enter into a romantic relationship *with a guy* and then laugh it off like that doesnt fucking suggest something about my ‘inherent self’  


DAVE: like i know okay  


DAVE: ive *known*  


DAVE: but much like with knowing about societal bullshit  


DAVE: knowing *this* doesnt make processing it any easier  


ROSE: Do you remember when I came out to you, Dave?  


DAVE: you never did  


DAVE: youve always been pretty gay and then you started being really gay around kanaya and i managed to piece that one together  


ROSE: That isn’t the same thing as coming out.  


ROSE: I could have been bisexual.  


ROSE: But I did have an actual coming out to you. Around half a year ago now, when we watched But I’m A Cheerleader?  


DAVE: oh man thats a good flick  


DAVE: better than literally one hundred percent of the troll romcoms ive watched  


ROSE: Forgive my lack of surprise  


ROSE: But you were rambling something about whether human Dante Basco was as attractive as troll Dante Basco  


ROSE: And I said that ‘I wouldn’t know, I’m a lesbian’  


ROSE: Which wasn’t a funny joke, or even a smooth transition.  


ROSE: It was actually painfully awkward for me in the moment and I wished I had found literally any way more classy or even more entertaining to come out.  


DAVE: oh fuck i do remember this  


DAVE: that was you coming out?  


DAVE: i thought you were saying that to imply that i was gay  


DAVE: cause like if you didnt know cause you werent interested in guys  


DAVE: then i must be interested in guys for knowing  


ROSE: That does make a lot of sense, in retrospect.  


ROSE: I knew you didn’t have an issue with my sexuality, so it was confusing when you got all closed-in and quiet soon after I said it.  


DAVE: oh fuck i did didnt i  


DAVE: rose im sorry  


DAVE: i didnt realize it was like a coming out *moment* like i thought yeah rose is a lesbian, i know this, oh fuck is she calling me out on my rufioh-oriented gay thoughts  


DAVE: which was probably majorly fucking shitty im really really sorry  


ROSE: It’s fine, Dave.  


ROSE: I have certainly set the precedent for you expecting that from me, and I didn’t make a big deal about it in the moment.  


ROSE: But the point is that...  


ROSE: That was the first time I ever said the words ‘I am a lesbian’ aloud.  


DAVE: wait what  


ROSE: I hadn’t really been intending to come out to you that night, but it had been on my mind. Because I knew I was gay, that I was a lesbian, but I found myself with a near-physical inability to say the words. Not that they even mattered that much to begin with, I suppose, because we are so divorced from human gender and sexuality norms now, and you are the only person aboard this meteor who would even understand what that means, fully, but it still felt like an incredibly important yet fully insurmountable boundary.  


DAVE: but you were dating kanaya by then  


ROSE: Indeed.  


ROSE: I had courted, confessed my feelings to, and kissed another woman, and yet, the words themselves proved the most difficult part of it. I could say that I had gay tendencies, even that I liked women. I allowed myself all the trappings and ceremonies of lesbianism without owning it as a part of myself.  


DAVE: shit  


ROSE: I take it you understand  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: yeah i really fucking do understand  


ROSE: And I apologize if any of my earlier analysis seemed too reaching; much of it was more of a self reflection with consideration to our shared traits, than an outward analysis.  


DAVE: nah you were pretty close, the gay gene is real and so is the ‘unable to voice that you’re gay’ gene apparently  


ROSE: The data would suggest so.  


ROSE: And Dave, you can absolutely correct me if I’m wrong, but I just want to be sure that your moirallegiance isn’t an attempt to self-distance from this idea of gayness.  


DAVE: no i really am pale for him  


DAVE: look im being all types of honest here today and thats true  


DAVE: ive done my fucking thesis on this and what i am is pale for him specifically  


DAVE: and like  


DAVE: maybe theres some other shit there  


DAVE: — cause as we have well learned multi-quadrant feelings are a real fucking thing —  


DAVE: and maybe there are some hints of a gayer quadrant in the way i feel about him  


DAVE: but if so maybe i should wait longer than twelve fucking hours into my moiralligence before a i try to complicate it with self-reflecting, quadrant-confusing bullshit that might give karkat a fucking anuerism  


DAVE: cause hes doing his best with my absolute takedown of the quadrant system, but i know hes still got his issues with being troll gay  


ROSE: Internalized troll homophobia.  


DAVE: happens to the best of us  


DAVE: but yeah even if he would be interested in widening the purview of our relationship, quadrant-wise  


DAVE: and even if *i*d be interested in that  


DAVE: i dont think either of us are quite there yet  


DAVE: so  


ROSE: Well, I apologize for presuming about your feelings.  


DAVE: nah, again, precedents  


DAVE: you have damn good reason to expect me to be cagey  


ROSE: But regardless, I am glad to see how much thought you’ve given this.  


DAVE: of course i have  


DAVE: like even though my dumbass mouth is unable to say the thing we all know is true at this point  


DAVE: my minds fucking racing about all this  


ROSE: You really care about him, don’t you?  


DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: of course i do  


DAVE: like it feels weird saying it, cause you know john had that role for years but  


DAVE: karkat really is my best friend  


DAVE: (john still is, too, but i never see the dude)  


DAVE: (not that karkat is like an interim best bro while i wait for john)  


ROSE: I do believe one is permitted multiple best bros, especially in such extenuating circumstances.  


DAVE: ok good  


DAVE: but yeah no im just  


DAVE: im really glad i have him  


DAVE: so fucking gay jesus  


ROSE: That was a little gay, Dave.  


DAVE: haha yeah i guess  


DAVE: hey rose  


ROSE: Yes?  


DAVE: so me and karkat were talking about like  


DAVE: emotional vulnerability and all that  


DAVE: which weve been doing enough that it prolly shouldve clued us in that weve basically been moirails for months  


DAVE: but yeah like he was talking about how hes been reconnecting with terezi over the past year that kind of thing  


ROSE: So I’ve heard.  


DAVE: so uh the point is  


DAVE: i am genuinely really grateful that you do your dumbass psychoanalysis on me instead of leaving me mired in a fucking pit of cagey emotion-dodging bullshit  


DAVE: and im  


DAVE: really happy that neither of us died before we could get into this whole great sibling bonding were doing and the point is that i  


DAVE: love you  


DAVE: yeah  


ROSE: Succinct.  


DAVE: genuinely fuck you  


ROSE: I feel the same, Dave.  


ROSE: I’m not great at overcoming the ‘emotion-dodging bullshit’ either.  


ROSE: But I do, of course, love you too.  


DAVE: sweet  


ROSE: I would agree it is.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i warned about, but will not apologize for, aggressively sappy dave. the Moment i get my gay touch-starved hands on the chance to write description, all sense of comedic tone flies out at window and its just Dave Looking At Karkat.
> 
> so, *is* moirallegiance gay? leave your votes in the comments. (but honestly, that whole section was just way to voice my different feelings on the matter. in the end, i think its an interesting but ultimately kinda inconsequential debate. like rose says, troll pale feelings can't be mapped onto human sexuality. both the quadrants and our sexuality thing are rigid societal constructs to describe highly fluid, deeply personal experiences. point is, be human gay. be troll gay. do human crime. do troll crime.)
> 
> (even more honestly: i just like to write rose and dave talking about gay shit.)
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading! and an extra special thank you to everyone who has commented. i really like hearing how this fic comes across, since it really is just dialogue, which means so much is open to interpretation, so keep letting me know!!
> 
> goodnight yall!!


	6. Chapter 6

TEREZI: H3Y STR1D3R  


DAVE: sup  


DAVE: wasting no time getting up close and personal  


DAVE: yeah no that is my hand youre licking hi  


TEREZI: 1 W4S R1GHT  


DAVE: bout what  


TEREZI: YOU L3T ROS3 P41NT YOUR N41LS  


DAVE: oh yeah  


DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: were all about that sibling bonding now  


DAVE: also like  


DAVE: cause the last time she did my nails was when she was  


DAVE: you know  


TEREZI: CONST4NTLY DRUNK?  


DAVE: i mean if you dont want to beat around the bush even a bit yeah  


DAVE: it was then  


DAVE: she did a better job this time but it is chipping now  


TEREZI: 1 C4N T3LL  


DAVE: well your tongue was on my nails so i hope so  


TEREZI: L1K3 SH1TTY GR4P3 SOD4  


TEREZI: TH4T YOU POUR3D M1LK 1NTO TO M4K3 1T L1GHT3R 4ND, 1N DO1NG SO, RU1N3D  


TEREZI: OR M4YB3 M4D3 B3TT3R?  


DAVE: thats the look im aiming for yeah  


TEREZI: GR34T! W3R3 CH4NG1NG 1T COMPL3T3LY  


DAVE: woah what  


TEREZI: 1 4M ‘DO1NG YOUR N41LS’ NOW  


DAVE: terezi  


DAVE: you know i fucking love your artwork  


DAVE: michelangelo doesnt have shit on you i swear  


TEREZI: TH3 CR1M3 F1GHT1NG TURTL3 >:?  


DAVE: yeah he moonlit as a renaissance artist ive heard  


DAVE: wait did yall have troll TMNT  


DAVE: TTMNT i guess  


TEREZI: DONT B3 R1D1CULOUS D4V3  


TEREZI: 1TS HORR1F1C4LLY OFF3NS1V3 TO 3V3N 4SK!  


DAVE: god i love how that doesnt answer my question at all  


DAVE: anyway  


DAVE: i have (and will again) literally put your work in a frame and on my wall  


DAVE: however  


DAVE: are you sure you want to mess with nail painting im of the understanding its a precision art  


TEREZI: 1S TH1S B3C4US3 1M BL1ND, D4V3? 1S TH4T WHY 1M SO UNF1T TO P41NT YOUR N41LS?  


DAVE: i refuse to believe you own nail polish  


TEREZI: SW33T QU3ST1ON DODG3, COOLK1D  


DAVE: the judges give it 9/10 for conversational escape  


DAVE: i pass onto the semifinals  


DAVE: i look out into the crowd, my fans, cheering, throwing flowers  


DAVE: and i see rose  


DAVE: three time gold medalist of snarky bullshit  


DAVE: she gives me a thumbs up  


DAVE: its the familial validation ive been needing all my life  


TEREZI: TH4T W4S B34UT1FUL  


DAVE: thanks  


DAVE: but yeah no im calling your bluff you dont have nail polish  


TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 DONT  


TEREZI: W3R3 US1NG CH4LK  


DAVE: yeah you know what that tracks  


DAVE: okay sure lets do it  


TEREZI: GR34T  


TEREZI: 1 4LSO DO NOT KNOW HOW TO R3MOV3 N41L POL1SH — 1F ON3 3V3N C4N! — SO 1 W1LL B3 PUTT1NG ON TH3 CH4LK D1R3CTLY OV3R 1T  


DAVE: rose will be so glad to see her art being used as a canvas  


DAVE: on which yours will be displayed  


TEREZI: 4LL 4RT 1S STOL3N!  


TEREZI: BY WH1CH 1 M34N 4LL 4RT 1S JUST OTH3R 4RT COV3R3D IN CH4LK  


DAVE: oh natch  


DAVE: trolls did have nail polish right  


DAVE: like im not making shit up i couldve sworn i saw some scenes in troll legally blonde that took place in a nail salon  


TEREZI: TH3 S4LONS W3R3 MOR3 FOCUS3D ON CL4W SH4RP3N1NG 4ND M41NT3NC3!  


TEREZI: BUT TH3R3 W3R3 SOM3 P1GM3NT OPT1ONS  


TEREZI: 4ND TH3 3XP3CT3D 4MOUNTS OF GOSS1P FOR SUCH 4N 3NV1RONM3NT  


DAVE: god troll society was fucked  


TEREZI: MOST SOC13T13S 4R3!  


DAVE: yeah earth had its own shit  


DAVE: like id be called all kinds of gay for having goddamn paint on my fingernails  


DAVE: or maybe i could have just pretended i was a scene kid  


DAVE: but i mean werent all scene kids gay  


TEREZI: 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T 4NY OF TH4T M34NS  


DAVE: yeah neither do i honestly  


TEREZI: BUT SP34K1NG OF HUM4N G4Y  


TEREZI: HOW 4R3 YOU 4ND K4RK4T  


DAVE: gonna pretend you didnt preface that how you did  


DAVE: but were good  


DAVE: i think im getting close to having a major in troll quadrant analysis  


DAVE: gonna hang that diploma on my meteor wall  


DAVE: be the douche at the party who hears someone mention literally any piece of media and goes onto a three hour rant about the caliginous-conciliatory nuances or some bullshit  


TEREZI: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 K4RK4T H4S CORN3R3D TH3 M4RK3T ON BULLSH1T ROM4NC3 R4NTS  


TEREZI: 4LSO 1 W4S R3F3RR1NG TO YOUR R3C3NTLY 3ST4BL1SH3D MO1R41L3G3NC3  


TEREZI: (SP34K1NG OF, 1 TOLD YOU SO!)  


DAVE: oh that  


DAVE: its good  


DAVE: i dunno tz its not that different from what weve been doing  


DAVE: talking about our feelings and about the limitations of our dead cultures respective views of relationships  


DAVE: and about the concept of troll gay  


DAVE: its nice i guess  


TEREZI: GLOW1NG PR41S3 FOR K4RK4TS SK1LL 4S 4 MO1R41L  


DAVE: no hes doing a really good job  


DAVE: i mean i dont have shit to compare it to besides his comically awful movie collection but  


DAVE: i dont know it feels  


DAVE: safe  


DAVE: i guess  


TEREZI: SOUNDS P4L3 TO M3!  


DAVE: yeah? i think so  


DAVE: i really like it  


DAVE: what we do  


DAVE: not to sound incredibly gay here but i do really care about him  


DAVE: like hes explained it all to me a million fucking times jesus and i really do think what im feeling is pale  


DAVE: all that concern and caring and wanting to balance him out and keep him safe  


DAVE: and just wanting to be around him a lot  


DAVE: jesus fuck this is gay  


TEREZI: 4 B1T!  


DAVE: so what is this is this the pale shovel talk  


DAVE: threaten that if i break his diamond youll rip these rad looking purple-red nails out of my their nailbeds and stab them in my eyes?  


TEREZI: 1 M34N Y3S 1 4BSOLUT3LY W1LL  


TEREZI: 4ND TH3Y 4R3 LOOK1NG ‘R4D’  


TEREZI: BUT 1M JUST CUR1OUS  


DAVE: seeing what you missed out on when future you forbade past you from dating me and karkat?  


TEREZI: 4BSOLUT3LY NOT  


TEREZI: NO OFF3NS3 BUT B4D T1M3L1N3 M3 W4S 4 DUMB4SS  


DAVE: nah she just didnt have vriska to balance her out  


DAVE: and keep her off that ‘dating self-centered, emotionally fucked-up boys’ train  


DAVE: shit do you think me and karkat were even friends in that timeline  


DAVE: or were we fighting over you like dumbasses  


TEREZI: 1D GU3SS TH3 L4TT3R  


DAVE: god that would fucking suck  


DAVE: jesus id probably be mired in so much bullshit holy shit  


DAVE: anyway  


DAVE: what were you curious about  


TEREZI: 1TS JUST 4 B1T 1NT3R3ST1NG, TH3 F4CT TH4T YOU TWO H4V3 M4D3 1T YOUR ON-M3T3OR PURPOS3 TO D3BUNK TH3 QU4DR4NT SYST3M 4ND 4LSO TH3 L4CK OF NU4NC3 1N 34RTH R3L4T1ONSH1PS  


TEREZI: 4ND 3XPLOR3 TH3 1D34 TH4T P3OPL3 C4N B3 4TTR4CT3D 1N MULT1PL3 QU4DR4NTS S1MULT4N3OUSLY  


TEREZI: 4ND Y3T TH3 TWO OF YOU H4V3 OPT3D FOR P4L3 4LON3!  


DAVE: uh  


TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY G1V3N K4RK4TS ROL3 4S TH3 C4S3 STUDY ON TROLL G4Y  


DAVE: so these nails are looking great  


DAVE: by which i mean there is a line of chalk down my finger and also what looks vaguely like the word ‘G4Y’ written on my palm  


DAVE: which is funny cause thats not even the side of my hand that has the fingernails  


TEREZI: MUCH WORS3 QU3ST1ON DODG3  


TEREZI: JUDG3S G1V3 1T 4 0/10  


TEREZI: YOUR F4NS THROW ROTT3N 34RTH FRU1TS 4T YOU  


TEREZI: ROS3 1S SH4K1NG H3R H34D, D1S4PPO1NT3D  


DAVE: damn go for the heart would you  


DAVE: look  


DAVE: were pale and thats what we are and thats all there is to it  


DAVE: rose has already grilled me on this if youd believe it  


DAVE: and guess what  


DAVE: im pale for him and hes pale for me and its a complete relationship  


DAVE: human society had these bullshit ideals about how relationships were only really important and long lasting if the folks were in all kinds of sexual love  


DAVE: and that was bullshit  


DAVE: there doesnt have to be anything ‘more’ to my relationship with him  


DAVE: thats such bullshit phrasing too like ‘more than friends’ fuck off  


TEREZI: D4V3  


TEREZI: B31NG MO1R41LS 1SNT TH3 S4M3 4S B31NG FR13NDS  


TEREZI: 1M SUR3 K4RK4TS 3XPL41N3D TH4T  


DAVE: yeah he made sure i was clear on that one before we got our whole pale thing going  


TEREZI: BUT 1T C4N ST1LL B3  


TEREZI: CONFUS1NG  


TEREZI: 1M SUR3 YOUV3 S33N ON3 OF TH3 1NF1NT3 MOV13S TH4T R3VOLV3S 4ROUND SOM3ON3 F33L1NG P4L3 SO STRONGLY TH3Y CONFUS3 1T FOR FLUSH3D, 4ND TH3 3NSU1NG M1SCOMMUN1C4T1ONS?  


DAVE: yeah of course check page twelve of my thesis  


DAVE: those are damn good evidence  


TEREZI: SO 1T DO3S H4PP3N  


TEREZI: TH4T TH3 P4L3 4ND FLUSH3D OV3RL4P  


TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S 3V3N W1TH P1TCH  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: not with me and karkat but yeah  


TEREZI: JUST S4Y1NG!  


DAVE: ok  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: hey terezi  


DAVE: are you and vriska good  


TEREZI: JUST B3C4US3 1M DO1NG YOUR N41LS 4ND W3 T4LK3D 4BOUT YOUR MO1R41L DO3SNT M34N TH1S H4S TO 4LL B3 R3L4T1ONSH1P T4LK  


DAVE: no i know  


DAVE: but there was a lot of talk there about pale and flushed overlap  


DAVE: and i mean karkat swears by your moirallegiance  


DAVE: but ive always thought  


DAVE: maybe you two were...  


DAVE: not that me and karkat gossip about your relationship  


TEREZI: 1TS F1N3 M3 4ND VR1SK4 T4LK 4BOUT YOU TWO  


DAVE: oh sweet okay  


DAVE: and about rose and kanaya?  


TEREZI: OBV1OUSLY  


DAVE: us too  


DAVE: great to know weve all reached the point in the three years that we just gossip about the other people living on the same goddamn meteor  


TEREZI: 1T W4S 1N3V1T4BL3  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: so youre a strong contender in this round of the question dodge  


TEREZI: >:/  


DAVE: yeah no faces whats up  


TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW  


TEREZI: W3V3 B33N MO1R41LS S1NC3 W3 W3R3 K1DS  


TEREZI: 4ND TH3N W3 W3R3NT FOR 4 WH1L3  


TEREZI: BUT NOW W3R3 BOTH H3R3 4ND H4PPY 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO T3ST 1T  


TEREZI: B3C4US3 1 4M 1MM3NS3LY P4L3 FOR H3R  


TEREZI: 4ND B31NG H3R MO1R41L 1S SO 1MPORT4NT TO M3!  


TEREZI: 4ND M4YB3 1TS JUST WH4T YOU 4ND K4RK4T H4V3 B33N ON 4BOUT W1TH TH3 WHOL3 MULT1-QU4DR4NT R3L4T1ONSH1P CONC3PT  


TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1T JUST GOT 1N MY H34D, BUT—  


DAVE: but you want to smooch her  


TEREZI: 1 M1GHT W4NT TO SMOOCH H3R!  


DAVE: goddamn the meteor really does turn everyone gay  


TEREZI: R34LLY D4V3  


TEREZI: 1M NOT DO1NG BULLSH1T 4VO1D4NC3 H3R3  


TEREZI: 1 G3NU1N3LY DONT KNOW!  


TEREZI: BUT 1TS B33N ON TH3 M1ND  


DAVE: haha mind player  


TEREZI: W4SNT 4 PUN  


DAVE: oh  


DAVE: i mean maybe this is rich coming from me but  


DAVE: have you considered telling her about this  


TEREZI: D4V3  


DAVE: no look really  


DAVE: i get that stress about like shifting the relationship whatever but  


DAVE: — and like i know that vriska cares about all of us in her vriska way —  


DAVE: but holy *shit* she loves you  


DAVE: i dont think she even could be pissed at you if she wanted  


DAVE: definitely not about something like this  


DAVE: besides its been on literally everyones mind  


DAVE: i know rose and kanaya have talked about it  


DAVE: and when they did they sorted it out that they are 100% flushed  


DAVE: so maybe you and vriska will talk and figure out that yallre pale and thats it  


DAVE: or maybe youll smooch who knows  


TEREZI: H4V3 YOU 4ND K4RK4T H4D SUCH 4 CONV3RS4T1ON  


DAVE: a question dodge that consists of turning it around on a competitor is inherently foul play  


DAVE: security escorts you from the premises  


TEREZI: TH4TS NOT HOW FOUL PL4Y WORKS >:?  


DAVE: a slightly better dodge, the hot beefy security guard loosens his grip a bit  


TEREZI: OK4Y F1N3 1 W1LL CONS1D3R 1T  


TEREZI: 1S TH3 GR4ND DODG3 JUDG3 4M3N4BL3?  


DAVE: yeah i suppose  


DAVE: in retrospect im guessing now you intended this more as a feelings jam than an time for you to actually paint my nails  


DAVE: but holy shit did you just color my entire hand red  


TEREZI: D4V3 1M BL1ND WH4T D1D YOU 3XP3CT  


DAVE: bullshit this is meticulous  


DAVE: not a millimeter of skin uncovered  


TEREZI: 1TS 4RT ON 4 MOD3RN M3D1UM  


DAVE: yeah i feel like theres some red handed joke to be made here but i dont have it  


DAVE: where did that expression even come from  


DAVE: do you ever miss google  


TEREZI: TROLL GOOGL3 W4S FUN  


TEREZI: 1F YOU LOOK3D UP 4NYTH1NG SUSP1C1OUS OR H1NT1NG OF R3VOLUT1ON 1T WOULD S3ND 4 SM4LL GOOGL3BOT TO YOUR H1V3 TH4T WOULD 4TT3MPT TO K1LL YOU  


TEREZI: BUT 1F YOU K1LL3D 1T F1RST 1T H4D TH3 4NSW3R TO YOUR QU3ST1ON 1NS1D3!  


DAVE: oh my god  


DAVE: like youre probably bullshitting me but im perfectly content believing thats true  


TEREZI: >;]  


DAVE: i should show karkat my awesome new hand  


DAVE: also can i brag to him that i was right about it maybe not being pure-pale with you and vriska  


DAVE: hell be so mad that im the new relationship expert  


TEREZI: HMM  


TEREZI: OK4Y BUT ONLY H1M  


TEREZI: NO LOOS3 L1PS!  


TEREZI: D34L?  


DAVE: yes deal  


TEREZI: 3ND ONLY C4US3 1T W1LL P1SS H1M OFF >:]  


DAVE: yeah holy shit it really will  


DAVE: ok thanks again for the rad chalk hand  


DAVE: see you tonight  


TEREZI: BY3 D4V3  


==>

  


DAVE: hey karkat guess what  


KARKAT: JESUS FUCK WERE THE RED ASSHOLE PAJAMAS NOT ENOUGH?  


KARKAT: DOES EVERY FUCKING APPENDAGE OF YOUR WEAK HUMAN BODY HAVE TO BE COVERED IN CRIMSON TO FIT WITH YOUR ‘AESTHETIC’?  


DAVE: its concept art dude  


DAVE: meditation on that expression ‘red handed’  


DAVE: and how easily culpability and criminal involvement can spread here look  


KARKAT: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT!  


KARKAT: I CAN'T GO TO CAN TOWN WITHOUT GETTING CHALK UP MY ASS FOR A FUCKING PERIGEE, I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR FUCKING ‘CONCEPT ART’!  


DAVE: cmon why even be moirails if i cant give you some red-handed paps when youre getting all flustered  


KARKAT: I’M FLUSTERED BECAUSE YOURE CHASING ME AROUND MY BLOCK AND DOING THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE OF PALE REASSURANCE!  


DAVE: no dude its cool ill stop  


DAVE: besides i got some hot goss  


DAVE: straight off the press  


DAVE: little orphan newsboys lining the fuck up with their ratty caps waiting to sell these into the world thats how crazy hot this gossip is  


KARKAT: YOUR HAND STILL SEEMS IN PRIME PAPPING STANCE SO EXCUSE ME IF I'M A LITTLE FUCKING DOUBTFUL.  


DAVE: no nonconsensual paps from me that shits not cool  


DAVE: dont worry dude  


DAVE: if you want one just ask  


KARKAT: MAYBE ONE  


DAVE: sweet  


DAVE: damn this red chalk handprint really brings out your eyes  


DAVE: kanaya cant hold a candle to me im in charge of fashion now  


DAVE: i mean i guess she wouldnt need to shes got that whole glow thing going  


DAVE: but this is about that metaphorical glow  


DAVE: of being fucking great at fashion  


KARKAT: I THINK I WAS PROMISED SOME ‘HOT GOSS’ IN EXCHANGE FOR SITTING DOWN?  


DAVE: yeah and i have it right here  


DAVE: actually related honestly  


DAVE: to the idea of me just absolutely overtaking someones lost realm of expertise  


KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT?  


DAVE: oh yeah so im the romance guy now  


KARKAT: YOU'RE THE WHAT.  


DAVE: yeah dude i came for your romance throne  


DAVE: remember all those times you were like  


DAVE: ‘DAVE THE BOND BETWEEN VRISKA AND TEREZI IS THE EPITOME OF A PURE PALE RELATIONSHIP AND TO EVEN THINK OTHERWISE DISPLAYS A FLAGRANT MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE WAY TROLLS APPROACH FEELINGS AND DISPLAYS OF REDROM ATTRACTION’  


KARKAT: THAT’S NOT UNFAMILIAR  


DAVE: well guess what dude  


DAVE: i was right  


KARKAT: WHAT.  


DAVE: turns out there are some considerations of them deep flushed longings  


DAVE: a chance of some red-pale love thats never before seen because your dumbass society was too into separating shit and my dumbass society didnt even recognize pale SHIT  


KARKAT: FUCK  


DAVE: yeah gotta turn your crown over dude  


DAVE: no one gets troll romance like me  


KARKAT: OH MY GOD I *KNEW* YOU WERE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS  


DAVE: wait knew  


KARKAT: GODDAMMIT COULDN’T SHE WAIT UNTIL THEY WERE AT LEAST GIVING FLUSHED A TRY BEFORE TRYING TO RUIN MY FUCKING REPUTATION  


KARKAT: BUT NO! RUIN ME ON THE FUCKING *CHANCE* OF MAYBE FEELING FLUSHED. FUCKING SELFISH HONESTLY!  


DAVE: when the fuck did she tell you about this  


DAVE: she did not say she told you  


DAVE: implied the exact fucking opposite actually  


KARKAT: AROUND WHEN YOU FUCKING MADE A CHAT TITLED ‘KARKAT IS TROLL GAY’ AND SENT IT TO EVERYONE?  


KARKAT: SOMEWHERE CIRCA *THAT* FANTASTIC EVENT  


KARKAT: SHE CAME UP AND STARTED TALKING TO ME IN THAT SHADY WAY SHE DOES WONDERING WHAT *SOMEONE* MIGHT DO IF THEY *MAYBE* FELT *SOMETHING* IN ANOTHER QUADRANT FOR *SOMEONE* THEY’D SHARED A QUADRANT WITH FOR FUCKING SWEEPS  


KARKAT: AS IF SHE COULD HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT LITERALLY ANYONE BESIDES HER AND TEREZI  


DAVE: dude wait  


DAVE: are you talking about vriska  


KARKAT: YEAH?  


KARKAT: SHIT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT TEREZI?  


DAVE: oh shit  


DAVE: bro  


DAVE: do you know what this means  


KARKAT: WE NEED TO STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH COUPLES WHO USE THE SAME PRONOUN?  


KARKAT: OR AT LEAST ENGAGE IN A BIT OF FUCKING CLARIFICATION WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THEM  


DAVE: nah im super down to drop rosemary and vrisrezi  


DAVE: leaving us with the vast selection of people to hang out with including the admittedly great mayor and also your clown ex  


KARKAT: PLEASE DON’T CALL HIM THAT.  


KARKAT: NOT THAT I’VE HAD A SINGLE FUCKING SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP BEFORE NOW BUT THAT SURE IS ONE I’D LIKE TO REPRESS!  


DAVE: aww karkat am i your favorite ever quadrantmate  


KARKAT: WELL, YOU DIDN'T REJECT ME OR GO ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE, SO I’D SAY YEAH!  


DAVE: so fucking sweet holy shit  


DAVE: romancing me left and right  


DAVE: feeling the pale love on this meteor tonight  


DAVE: pap me dude  


KARKAT: I TAKE IT BACK, YOUR INSUFFERABLE BULLSHIT IS FAR WORSE THAN ANY MURDER SPREE, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST.  


DAVE: nah i know im your favorite  


DAVE: hey can i  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: i was gonna say hold your hand but damn thats a super awkward and gay thing to ask isnt it  


KARKAT: SEEING AS I’M YOUR MOIRAIL, IT SEEMS LIKE AN ACCEPTABLE AMOUNT OF ‘AWKWARD AND GAY’  


KARKAT: NO NOT THE FUCKING CHALK HAND DAVE IF YOU CAN HAVE YOUR RED AESTHETIC I CAN HAVE MY GREY ONE  


DAVE: kinda lame dude  


DAVE: style is all about variety  


DAVE: and letting troll girls draw over your hand in chalk, apparently  


KARKAT: I REALLY SHOULD'VE GUESSED YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT TEREZI.  


DAVE: oh yeah fuck you know what this means  


DAVE: well first it means buck wild that you knew i was right and specifically told vriska not to tell me so that you could keep being right like dude  


DAVE: but far more importantly  


DAVE: we have to parent trap vrisrezi  


KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PARENT TRAP?  


DAVE: you know that movie  


DAVE: two twins meet at summer camp and realize they were separated at birth and decide to switch places and convince their parents to hook up  


DAVE: or i think at least i dont know i never watched past the first twenty minutes  


DAVE: lindsey lohan cloned herself to make the remake  


KARKAT: OH FUCK  


KARKAT: YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE LUSUS TRAP  


KARKAT: ABRIDGED TITLE  


DAVE: holy shit you had that movie?  


DAVE: how would that even work  


DAVE: dont yall have one lusus  


DAVE: and no concept of siblings  


KARKAT: IT WAS COMPLETE TRASH AND A TOTAL BOX OFFICE FAILURE, DESPITE THE CHARM OF TROLL LINDSEY LOHAN’S EARLY WORK  


KARKAT: NEEDLESS TO SAY I WATCHED IT ONLY TWICE  


DAVE: of course  


KARKAT: LINDSEY LOHAN — HER CHARACTER — HAD A GENETIC MUTATION RESULTING IN THE DUPLICATION OF HER GENETIC MATERIAL INTO AN IDENTICAL TROLL  


KARKAT: SHE AND HER CLONE WERE TAKEN FAR FROM EACH OTHER BY LUSII BRAVE ENOUGH TO RAISE MUTATED WRIGGLERS  


KARKAT: AND THEN THE TWO LINDSII MEET BY CHANCE AT CULLING CAMP AND TRY TO GET THEIR LUSII TO MEET AND SHARE A QUADRANT  


KARKAT: WHICH IS LAUGHABLE MORE THAN TOUCHING  


KARKAT: LUSII DID NOT EXPERIENCE QUADRANTS IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY AND THE MOVIE WAS HONESTLY INSULTING TO THE ROMANCE GENRE AS A WHOLE!  


DAVE: wow  


KARKAT: SO HOW DOES THAT RELATE TO VRISKA AND TEREZI?  


DAVE: sorry one second still reeling from that  


DAVE: uh okay so in this allegory vriska and terezi are the lusii  


DAVE: and were the lindsii?  


DAVE: and by the way i am so glad that thats the pluralization were going with  


KARKAT: I THINK THIS METAPHOR WAS A POOR CHOICE.  


DAVE: yeah almost as if it didnt require two equally unappealing descriptions of an old ass movie  


DAVE: my point is that we should set them up  


KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE?  


KARKAT: VRISKA AND I HAVEN'T SPOKEN ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY IN A WHILE, THOUGH IT DOES COME UP IN A BOOK CLUB SOMETIMES, IN THAT SAME VAGUE BULLSHIT WAY, BUT SHE SEEMS FAIRLY UNSURE STILL.  


KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO MISLEAD OR HURT TEREZI BY TELLING HER THAT VRISKA HAS THESE FEELINGS WITHOUT VRISKA HERSELF BEING SURE  


DAVE: okay you dont not have a point  


DAVE: terezi was incredibly on the fence about it to  


DAVE: just two troll girls on a fence  


DAVE: ready to see who falls the fuck into red feelings first  


DAVE: but what if theyre just dumbasses about it forever  


DAVE: as you know my fucking creed, my purpose, the thesis of my magnus opus  


DAVE: is that people should try stuff out and see what works and what doesnt  


DAVE: and if theyre both being so goddamn cagey who knows how long it could take  


KARKAT: I THINK THEY'LL MANAGE, DAVE.  


KARKAT: AND, IF NOT, I'VE NEVER PREFERRED THE SUBGENRE OF ROMCOM THAT REALLY DELVED INTO THE PRANKS AND MISHAPS THAT LED TO A COUPLE ENDING IN THEIR INTENDED QUADRANT, BUT I DO HAVE A FEW FOR RESEARCH, IF IT COMES TO THAT.  


DAVE: okay like you know i really care about you and am fully supportive of your incomprehensible romance and erotica tastes  


DAVE: but did you bring literally anything from alternia that wasnt some piece of romantic media  


KARKAT: I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO, DAVE.  


KARKAT: AND WE'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT.  


DAVE: bullshit  


DAVE: cagey fucking bullshit how can i be pale for someone who wont even admit that he overlooked cultural artifacts and practical tools in favor of a bunch of sappy convoluted tales of maidens and gentletrolls falling over each other in a tizzy of quadrant confusion that couldve been solved so damn easily if theyd just had my great fucking thesis  


DAVE: who even are you man  


DAVE: like a stranger to me  


KARKAT: AND YET YOU'RE HOLDING THIS COMPLETE STRANGER’S HAND, WHICH I’D CALL A LAPSE OF JUDGEMENT ON YOUR PART!  


DAVE: not my fault that this complete stranger is a fuckmillion degrees and the meteor is cold as shit  


DAVE: im just using you for that insane body heat  


DAVE: like a sugar daddy but instead exchanging sex for cash its like exchanging paps for access to a personal space heater  


KARKAT: I THINK I’LL LET THIS BE ONE OF THE TIMES I DON’T MAKE ANY EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE ON ABOUT.  


DAVE: yeah probably for the best  


DAVE: i was about to say it was just full of the typical gay freudian slips but can you imagine how fucking insufferable freud would have been if he knew about quadrants  


DAVE: man fuck that guy  


DAVE: the point is  


DAVE: ill start coming up with contingency plans for when vrisrezi inevitably fail to talk to each other about this  


KARKAT: VERY FUCKING RESPECTFUL OF THE TWO OF THEM!  


DAVE: karkat my thesis is almost done i need fucking anything to do at this point  


DAVE: and right now that is setting up our mutual would-be ex with vriska  


KARKAT: IT IS KIND OF FUNNY HOW THAT WORKED OUT, RIGHT?  


DAVE: yeah no terezi is literally the coolest person ive ever met but holy shit i am so glad im not dating her  


KARKAT: ME TOO.  


KARKAT: GOD, I WAS THE FUCKING WORST TO HER.  


KARKAT: I LOOK AT THOSE OLD PESTERLOGS SOMETIMES AND CONSIDER THROWING MYSELF OFF THE METEOR IN A FIT OF PURE MORTIFICATION.  


DAVE: im glad you dont  


DAVE: i mean like dont get me wrong you definitely could be the fucking worst back then  


DAVE: but me fucking too dude  


KARKAT: HOW MUCH OF OUR HAPPINESS  


KARKAT: — COLLECTIVELY, ON THE METEOR —  


KARKAT: DO YOU THINK WE OWE TO VRISKA'S PRESENCE?  


DAVE: probably all of it  


DAVE: sorry *allllllll  


DAVE: obvious stuff aside  


DAVE: this place would be incredibly fucking boring without her  


DAVE: and its good to see terezi so happy  


KARKAT: IT REALLY FUCKING IS.  


KARKAT: I’M HAPPY TOO.  


KARKAT: NOT ALL THE TIME BUT A FUCK TON MORE THAN I WAS BEFORE THE GAME AND IN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS.  


DAVE: im assuming thats not all due to vriska  


KARKAT: YOU MIGHT HAVE A TINY BIT TO DO WITH IT.  


DAVE: im swooning  


DAVE: someone get the fainting couch  


DAVE: but yeah karkat you know this  


DAVE: you make me happy too  


DAVE: — and other ridiculously gay statements said without a drop of irony —   


DAVE: i uh  


DAVE: im really glad were here  


DAVE: in the not fucked timeline  


KARKAT: YEAH, DAVE.   


KARKAT: ME TOO.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you fools!!! its been a vrisrezi fic this whole time!!!!
> 
> im kidding (mostly), but i do think its telling that the scene w terezi was the second i ever wrote for the soapbox. like, i realized i was writing a longform davekat fic and Immediately asked myself how to shoehorn vrisrezi into it. if those troll wlws are your thing, and youd like to see an actual vrisrezi fic, i did a [pre-retcon terezi character study ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24669844%22), and it is probably the best short prose piece ive ever written, so go give it a look (and maybe a kudo?) if you are so inclined!
> 
> not to do immediately more self-promo, but ive begun posting somewhat of a [companion fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27638750) to the soapbox!!! its basically my take on game over timeline davekat, specifically focusing on dave and the way he deals with his issues, without the same support system he has in the soapbox. its not in dialoguelog-style, so its a lot more in daves head, which also means there is a Lot of Dave Looking At Karkat. there is no overt tie between the two fics, but i reference between them a fair amount, and they were written (somewhat) concurrently, so i think they build on each other! plus dave and karkat like. dont take 35k words of buildup to smooch in that one lmao
> 
> aside from that i dont have all that much to say about this one! i love dave and terezis dynamic and writing them, and i just wanted an excuse for some casual interaction between dave and karkat while moirails. this is just a fun chapter, and the next one is Big and i am Quite excited for it!!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and infinite thanks to everyone who commented!! it makes my day, and i love to hear yalls thoughts on troll romance??? truly the ultimate purpose of the soapbox is to make people think way too much about this fictional romance system.
> 
> i wish you all a lovely morning <333


	7. Chapter 7

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  


  
TG: hey  


TT: Good afternoon, Dave  


TG: afternoon rose  


TG: are you around tonight  


TG: surprise as it may i dont actually have your and kanayas date schedule all ordered in my head  


TT: One moment, allow me to check my calendar.  


TT: I could pencil you in around 7?  


TG: east meteor seven or west meteor seven  


TG: i dont know why the fuck we havent standarized this shit  


TG: like having two clocks on the meteor means we gotta have goddamn time zones  


TT: East meteor.  


TG: oh yeah cool that works  


TG: wanna watch but im a cheerleader  


TT: Hmm.  


TG: its been a year and ive been pining for that campy bullshit  


TT: Of course  


TT: I would be delighted to.  


TG: sweet  


TG: see you then  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

  


  
It’s goddamn stupid. You know how goddamn stupid this is.  


She knows. That fucking ‘Hmm’; her read on you is far better than it has any right to be, and she knows exactly what the fuck all this posturing is for. What the end goal is.  


But it isn’t like she hasn’t always known.  


You wonder, not for the first time, if John and Jade do too. John’s your — on hold, you guess — best friend, but the dude’s a dumbass about this kind of thing. Honest, though, and he wouldn’t’ve not said something if he knew. Prolly for the best. Jesus fuck, you were such a cliche.  


Jade, though. She’s not quite as out of it as John, and, besides, she’s got Davesprite there with her. But, maybe, that wouldn’t be of any help. Maybe he’s not. Maybe being part bird changes that part of your ‘inherent self’.  


Whatever. Doesn’t fucking matter. Point is, you were an obvious kid with a bunch of oblivious friends, living in a society that let thirteen year old assholes use ‘gay’ as a descriptor for anything not ‘cool’ and get away with it without an ounce of scrutiny. But you’re not thirteen, and that society is fucking dead, and you are left with the knowledge you couldn’t force down, even as a kid, and now you just have to fucking say it, out loud. And your mirror has been no fucking help, and 80% of your friends wouldn’t even get what you’re saying, and besides.  


You want Rose to be the first to hear it.  


You spend the day in an anxious quiet, sitting on your desk and feeling the seconds pass like hail on your skin. Karkat comes by at some point, with lunch for both of you. He bitches about you not eating, so you do, and he does, and you steal his gross troll food off his plate just to piss him off. It makes the seconds feel less present.  


Once his plate is out of his lap, you take its place, curling up against his legs. You’re allowed to do this, now; allowed to like it when his fingers are in your hair and his claws scrape against your scalp. He reads aloud from the story he’s writing, and you tell him when things seem to rushed, and when you like a line of dialogue. He rubs circles in the curve of your neck and, every so often, he’ll look down at you with that sharp-toothed, lopsided grin, and you’ll remember that for all the fear and stress and seconds-like-hail this process has brought you, it's been worth it.  


You can tell it's getting late, so you push against the bed until you’re sitting, half-perched in his lap still.  


  
KARKAT: YEAH?  


DAVE: nothing dude  


DAVE: im fucking loving the build up youve got going here  


DAVE: my moneys on the tealblood being the spy  


DAVE: but dont spoil it for me  


KARKAT: AN INTERESTING THEORY  


DAVE: hell yeah thats exactly cryptic answer im looking for  


DAVE: ok man ive got to go  


DAVE: rose and i are watching a movie  


DAVE: thanks for coming by though i wouldve just stewed in my dumbass emotions for hours if not  


KARKAT: NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO DO ON THIS METEOR  


KARKAT: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  


DAVE: really dude no sweat  


DAVE: just  


DAVE: id let you know if i needed a feelings jam, yeah?  


KARKAT: OF COURSE  


KARKAT: JUST CHECKING  


  
You’re practically in his lap, anyway, so it takes nothing to lean in and wrap your arms around his shoulders, tucking your face in the curve of his neck. His hands rest on your waist; gentle, constant pressure. He’s always so goddamn warm, which provided an easy explanation when you had wanted to wave away enjoying the press of his body against yours, but it was true then as it is now. You just want him to hold you.  


You pull back to look at him. His eyebrows are furrowed, casting shadow over his eyes, so fucking clearly worried despite the pressed straight line of his lips. You want to kiss him. (There isn’t a time you don’t want to kiss him.) Instead, you pap him, lightly on his cheek. When he covers your hand with his own, you know this is just as good.  


You think you love him in every way you can love a person.  


You turn your palm to lace your fingers together, and squeeze his hand once. Then, you push up, out his lap, and saunter across the room.  


  
DAVE: see you later dude  


DAVE: the movie aint that long so if you want to chill here ill be back  


DAVE: or not really whatever you want  


KARKAT: I'LL SEE YOU LATER, DAVE.  


DAVE: later, man 

  
You’re walking to the TV room — a generous name for a once-lab with a badly-alchemized screen in it — and the halls seem longer and darker when you’re alone, when you’ve wearing this forty-pound backpack of meaningless, dumbass worry you’ve been heaving around so long that you’ve got emotional back pain. In the doorway of the room, you get a message.  


  


\-- carcinoGenecist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

  
CG: <>  


You stare at the screen for a moment, the two familiar characters succeeding, as they do perpetually, all-too-honestly, at making you smile, without an ounce of irony. Goddamn.  


If a character in a romcom were acting like you, you’d throw troll popcorn at the screen.  


TG: <>  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGenecist [CG] \--  


  
ROSE: I was under the impression the only vampire on this meteor was my girlfriend  


ROSE: but if you keep lingering in the doorway, I may be forced to up that count.  


DAVE: sorry sorry got caught up tending to my legion of adoring fans  


DAVE: the pestering never stops  


DAVE: unceasing bids for my attention  


DAVE: how can i cope  


ROSE: Your suffering is unparalleled on the modern meteor.  


ROSE: I have the movie queued if you’d like to start  


ROSE: Unless you have any pressing business that needs to be addressed first?  


DAVE: nah i got nothing but time to watch some campy 2000s lesbians  


DAVE: funny how love as a concept didnt exist before this movie  


ROSE: It truly is.  


ROSE: How in the nine years following it, earth society managed to both create and inexorably fuck up an interwoven system of relationship standards in complete deviation from the movies raison d'etre.  


ROSE: Honestly—  


ROSE: Dave?  


DAVE: sup  


DAVE: oh  


DAVE: yeah i mean  


DAVE: surprise surprise we couldnt alchemize a tv with a super bright lcd display so uh  


DAVE: seeing it even without shades is tough as shit  


DAVE: this movie is a colorful extravaganza i dont want to miss a bit of it  


DAVE: so no shades  


ROSE: Ah.  


ROSE: Should we watch, then?  


DAVE: yeah sounds good  


  
On the bright side, you don’t think it’s physically possible to have a panic attack while watching _But I’m A Cheerleader_. Shit’s too goddamn fun and bright for anybody to be getting all anxious and fuzzy-headed and out of it. Especially over something so goddamn stupid. It just isn’t physically possible.  


That being said, your body sure is doing its damnedest.  


  
ROSE: Are you alright, Dave?  


  
Fair fucking question. Your hands are curled into fists, and you’ve just barely managed to curb your habit of biting your nails, leaving the still-jagged edges long enough to dig into your palms. Rose is looking at you, all quirked-eyebrow hiding genuine concern, while Natasha Lyonne experiences her own sexuality crisis on the screen across from you.  


Life imitates satirical lesbian rom coms, huh.  


  
DAVE: im good  


DAVE: just getting my empathy on with this really genuine depiction of realizing that youre gay  


DAVE: and by empathy i mean sympathy  


DAVE: and by gay i mean lesbian  


ROSE: I think the umbrella term could have sufficed.  


DAVE: overcorrection is a bitch  


  
So, you’re a coward, too.  


Whatever. The movie keeps going, and it has no shortage of ridiculous gay nosense. (As well as some shit that has no right to hit as much as it does.  


Aw, fuck, are you projecting onto Graham now?)  


And, of course, copious Dante Basco.  


  
DAVE: hey i still dont get dream bubble logic  


DAVE: what do we have to do to get this tv and the dvd into the bubbles to show rufioh his inferior form  


ROSE: I actually prefer this iteration of Mr. Basco.  


ROSE: He’s nothing short of a hero of self-expression.  


ROSE: While Rufioh, on the other hand — I have never heard him utter a singular ‘Gay Rights’  


DAVE: nah but rufiohs got that whole overdramatic  


DAVE: cosplay-but-who-knows-what-of  


DAVE: weird fucking look  


DAVE: you know  


DAVE: hot  


ROSE: Perhaps you just have a thing for trolls?  


  
If Rose doesn’t take the bait you’re gonna lose it, right here, watching the inferior Dante Basco kicked to the curb for daring to love who he loves.  


At least you know he gets his happy ending.  


  
DAVE: youre one to talk  


DAVE: you like alien vampiresses exclusively  


ROSE: It’s called ‘having exquisite taste’.  


DAVE: i just dont think this dante has the same pizzazz  


DAVE: despite being in the most camp ass gay movie ever made  


DAVE: like how karkat manages to be both human and troll gay and still refuses to wear anything that isnt grey like holy shit dude  


DAVE: he thinks yellow sclera count as a splash of color  


ROSE: Perhaps the stereotypes have failed you  


  
Yeah. You’re gonna lose it.  


Like, it could’ve been so goddamn easy. You ramble about a guy being hot, Rose says she wouldn’t know cause she’s a lesbian, and you’d just fucking come out with it. But now you’re talking about Karkat and fashion and if Rose didn’t know already that would sure would’ve driven the point home.  


What if you just—  


  
DAVE: i think hes hot cause im gay  


  
Okay. Wow. Okay okay that wasn’t. That wasn’t that bad.  


You mean yeah you feel like you’re about to throw up but.  


But holy shit you said it.  


Rose doesn’t say anything and holy shit this must have fucking sucked when she came out to you and you clammed up like a repressed asshole too worried about being called gay to be there for his sister. But you look up at her, and she’s trying not to look at you, but she’s smiling, just slightly, and her hand is covering yours, and never mind the nausea, you’re gonna fucking cry.  


  
ROSE: Then I suppose I should defer to you on matters of Dante hotness?  


DAVE: yeah this is my fucking purview now, i can rank every basco by temperature  


DAVE: later seasons zuko beats both these bitches out but i guess he has the fire advantage of literal hotness  


DAVE: hey rose can i hug you  


ROSE: Of course. 

  
Everything she said about stereotypes was wrong, you’re gay and you’re such a weak bitch, crying into your sister’s shoulder cause you can’t handle saying two goddamn words. The meaning of which she already fucking knew, had known for fucking ever, because you’ve always been so goddamn gay and everyone knew, hell your _bro_ probably fucking knew and shit you’re definitely about to have a panic attack while watching _But I’m a Cheerleader._

  
DAVE: holy fuck sorry again for clamming up when you did this i dont know what i wouldve done  


DAVE: god this fucking sucks why does anyone do this  


ROSE: Personally, being able to say ‘because I’m a lesbian’ in response to most questions is a plus.  


ROSE: And also not feeling like a horrifically self-stifled liar whenever I hold hands with my girlfriend.  


ROSE: But I’m sure you’ll find your own pluses behind the business.  


ROSE: ...  


ROSE: I really feel like I should be better at this.  


DAVE: thanks to me the bar is on the goddamn floor  


DAVE: but youre  


DAVE: thank you  


ROSE: Of course  


ROSE: I love you, Dave.  


DAVE: right fucking back at you  


DAVE: i  


DAVE: uh  


DAVE: not to like immediately backpedal here  


DAVE: but what if im wrong  


DAVE: like what if it turns out  


DAVE: jk im not gay just had a massive fit of confusion while living alone with four lesbians and a bi dude  


DAVE: like attraction is already so goddamn confusing and hes the only person i could feasibly have a relationship with and the only person  


DAVE: besides you, my *sister*  


DAVE: that ive ever this gotten close to like  


DAVE: i dont know what if im confused  


DAVE: like how do i know im not wrong  


ROSE: I don’t know how much help it is to hear this, but I do know the feeling.  


ROSE: I can’t go a few consecutive months without wondering if I actually am bi  


ROSE: — regardless that I have never actually been attracted to a man, nor does the idea of having one as a partner spark anything but firm disinterest at best —  


ROSE: it appears, for me at least, to be a still ongoing attempt to ‘normalize’ myself, even in a situation that doesn’t have any construct of normal. Not that being bi even would be more normal, but this is all, by nature, irrational.  


ROSE: And, forgive me if I’ve misconstrued your various past implications, but haven’t you known that you’re gay since before the game?  


  
Something about the words ‘you’re gay’ make your shoulders immediately stiffen, some shitty fight-or-fight response like when you hear metal-on-metal too sharp and fast. You’ve pretty much stopped crying, but Rose is still holding you, and you feel her grip tighten as you go straight-spined and uncomfortable.  


  
DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: not if i had a say in thinking about it  


DAVE: but  


DAVE: i mean i  


DAVE: i knew  


DAVE: yeah  


ROSE: Then it seems unlikely that it is some sort of meteor-spurred delusion, right?  


DAVE: seems so  


DAVE: guess its just part of that  


DAVE: ‘inherent self’ bullshit  


ROSE: Precisely.  


DAVE: this just in  


DAVE: dave striders inherent self is, to quote ms lyonne, a homo  


DAVE: wouldn’t bro be so fucking proud  


  
On the screen, the characters are all at a gay bar called ‘The Cocksucker’.  


You’re crying again.  


The tonal dissonance is palpable.  


  
DAVE: im gonna have to meet alt universe young him  


DAVE: im gonna meet him and im gay and holy fuck  


DAVE: like maybe young him is chill but the real him?  


DAVE: haha not to get too dark here but hed  


DAVE: hed  


DAVE: dammit  


ROSE: Dave, I...  


ROSE: I’ve never really said, how sorry I am that I didn’t realize. Back when we were kids. It was—  


DAVE: not your fault  


DAVE: i just thought thats how it was you know  


DAVE: i mean like obviously i kind of *knew* but i had all kinds of repression so it was like  


DAVE: like sure your parent/guardian regularly kicks the shit out of you  


DAVE: but he buys you shades and nice turntables and gives you your privacy  


DAVE: as long as you keep up the cool guy, no-fags policy up and fucking running  


DAVE: so fucked  


ROSE: So very, very fucked.  


ROSE: If this doesn’t sound too harsh, I am very glad that he’s dead.  


DAVE: not harsh  


ROSE: And, if his alternate self is anything like that, I will fucking kill him. You understand that, right?  


  
You love her so goddamn much.  


You wonder what it would’ve been like, if you’d grown up with her. If the two of you had had someone, when you were kids. Maybe you both would’ve found this all a lot easier.  


  
DAVE: yeah i  


DAVE: i think i get it  


DAVE: god rose im so fucking sorry for not understanding when you came out to me  


DAVE: im an absolute piece of shit brother and youre out here killing it with the comfort and the offers to literally kill  


ROSE: It takes time for all of us, Dave.  


ROSE: I told you, last time we talked about this, I’m not upset.  


DAVE: still im just  


DAVE: sorry  


DAVE: im sorry and i love you and i would kill any bitch for you i promise  


ROSE: You are forgiven.  


ROSE: If you don’t mind clarifying, and feel no need to, but when you say ‘gay’, do you mean—  


DAVE: no fucking clue  


DAVE: im  


DAVE: im attracted to men  


DAVE: and jesus even saying that  


DAVE: i know this is a good thing for me to do but words are fucking difficult  


ROSE: I know.  


DAVE: so yeah i am for sure the 'into guys' kinda gay but  


DAVE: i dont know  


DAVE: maybe im bi? honestly rose accepting everything with being dudes men was so fucking much i havent gotten around to giving a single goddamn thought to whether im attracted to women  


DAVE: and i kinda  


DAVE: for all i fucking cried saying it i do think  


DAVE: i like ‘gay'  


DAVE: umbrella term or whatever  


DAVE: for talking about me  


DAVE: i dont know labels are fucking difficult and its like i already got my dumbass heart (and diamond, if we wanna get into quadrants) set on one guy so whoever else i may or may not be attracted to just aint really relevant right now  


ROSE: Gay Dave it is, then.  


ROSE: You have a great deal of time, not to make a pun of your aspect, and as you’ve said, it isn’t super relevant at the moment.  


ROSE: Out of curiosity, speaking of your ‘guy’, are you going to tell anyone else?  


DAVE: yeah sure put up the ‘daves a homo’ flag so the four people who totally understand what that means can see it  


DAVE: karkat might a bit  


DAVE: but he already knows anyway  


DAVE: not that ive told him  


DAVE: to be very clear i very purposefully decided to tell you first  


DAVE: im just really fucking obvious and he manages to not be a dumbass sometimes  


ROSE: I think you might be underestimating how much the rest of them listen to and care about you.  


ROSE: They may not instinctively ‘get it’, but it we have all embarked on this nonpareil culture exchange. They know what it means.  


ROSE: And, in turn, what it means to me, and to you.  


DAVE: huh  


DAVE: i  


DAVE: i want to tell them but it might take  


DAVE: some time  


DAVE: like in case it wasnt fucking obvious this is still super fucking difficult for me  


ROSE: Really? And here you seemed so collected.  


DAVE: ha ha good one lalonde  


ROSE: Thank you.  


DAVE: like i want to tell karkat  


DAVE: but then its like  


DAVE: i dont want him to think im asking for something when im not even sure...  


DAVE: i dont know  


ROSE: I was under the impression that you were quite ‘sure’ about him?  


ROSE: ‘heart set’, was it?  


DAVE: no i didnt mean like  


DAVE: like look i am  


DAVE: i know its prolly obvious but rose i really  


DAVE: i really love him  


DAVE: so goddamn much  


ROSE: That makes me very glad to hear, Dave.  


ROSE: (And you are correct. You are not in the least subtle.)  


DAVE: yeah yeah i know  


DAVE: so point is im into him  


DAVE: flushedwise  


DAVE: weve known about the pale stuff but being real clear thats still absolutely part of it  


DAVE: check it im two for two on being gay, human and troll, double coming out  


DAVE: but yeah no i love him and im so fucking sure of that  


DAVE: like not to say his romcoms arent bullshit they are absolutely bullshit  


DAVE: but like i kind of *get it* right  


DAVE: like if you removed that romcom level love from the supreme levels of shit theyre all mired in—  


DAVE: nope i completely lost that one  


DAVE: my point flew the fuck out the window and is now floating happily amongst the dreambubbles  


ROSE: So, if you’re sure you love him that way, what issue is it that you’re running into?  


DAVE: i just keep thinking like  


DAVE: what if he tries to kiss me and i just collapse into a panic attack  


DAVE: like it took a fucking year and a half for me to be able to hold his hand  


DAVE: and i dont want it to be like  


DAVE: like im offering something i cant really give  


DAVE: you know?  


ROSE: Hmm.  


DAVE: while youre having your think  


DAVE: opposite fucking take  


DAVE: maybe he just doesnt feel that way about me  


DAVE: like for all the research ive done the whole point is that theres so much overlap and i dont really *get* all the nuance even if there is any nuance whatever the point is  


DAVE: i know hes pale for me and that is so fucking good but like  


DAVE: like karkat is troll gay yeah weve established this  


DAVE: but that doesnt mean hes troll gay for me  


ROSE: Dave.  


ROSE: We are not doing any of that low-level, dime romance novel, ‘what if he doesn’t like me back’ nonsense.  


ROSE: He does. Obviously.  


ROSE: You know that.  


DAVE: okay i kind of know that  


DAVE: but then again i have all kinds of projecting shit going on like i dont know maybe i just think hes into me cause im into him  


DAVE: and like i said nuance like all the stuff im picking up on is in the pale-flushed limbo and maybe im reading it as flushed and hes meaning it as pale how would i know  


ROSE: Dave.  


DAVE: okay whatever for the sake of conversation lets say hes flushed for me  


DAVE: further comments?  


ROSE: I think he would understand if you needed some time. If he is flushed for you —  


ROSE: (He is.)  


ROSE: — then I don’t think he would consider it offering him something you can’t give him. Back when I was in my own personal, pointless hell of pining over Kanaya—  


DAVE: oh my god i remember that  


DAVE: not to be all kinds of hypocritical but yall was so goddamn obvious  


ROSE: You clearly understand the irony of that comment.  


ROSE: The point is, I would far rather have heard her say that she returned my feelings, but just wasn’t at a place — for whatever reason — where she was comfortable with physical intimacy, than to float in a limbo of unsurety and wondering if she could ever feel the same.  


DAVE: hmm  


DAVE: like dont get it twisted the irony is *not* lost on me  


DAVE: as you were saying that i remembered that me and terezi had this exact goddamn conversation like four months ago  


DAVE: and it worked out great for her  


ROSE: Vrisrezi rights.  


DAVE: fuck yeah  


DAVE: they were acting troll gay when no one else was brave enough to  


DAVE: heroes among man (and troll)  


DAVE: theyre so happy and part of me is like  


DAVE: i could have that  


DAVE: but could i really?  


DAVE: they have so much past you know  


DAVE: and like obviously some of that has made it more difficult  


DAVE: but they just absolutely work  


DAVE: no internalized homophobia, troll or otherwise  


DAVE: they just  


DAVE: fit with each other  


DAVE: sidenote how the fuck karkat and i *ever* thought we had a chance with terezi is so far beyond me like vriska is the only bitch alive powerful enough to even have a hope of handling terezi  


DAVE: and i mean that as a compliment to the both of them  


ROSE: All love of man and troll pales in the wake of vrisrezi.  


ROSE: Is there a double read of the word ‘pales’ there?  


DAVE: if we extend innuendo and freudian slips into troll lexicon well be here all night  


DAVE: which by the way holy shit we sure didnt pause the movie like at all  


ROSE: We’ve seen it already, I think we’ll be alright.  


DAVE: dante basco is in rainbow pajamas rose i need the full clip of this  


DAVE: oh my god give me the remote  


ROSE: Absolutely not.  


DAVE: this is some peak sibling bullshit  


DAVE: holy shit rose  


DAVE: you are going to fall off the edge of the couch and im not gonna go back in time and save you  


ROSE: I think the protection of my (rightful) ownership of the remote would be considered neither heroic nor just, I’ll test my luck.  


DAVE: i just wanna see bascos rainbow clad ass  


DAVE: as a newly out gay man i am legally owed that  


ROSE: Every second wasted re-watching Dante Basco is one moment I don’t get to look at Graham.  


ROSE: Do you hate lesbians, Dave?  


DAVE: god youre such a fucking goth  


DAVE: rose lalonde is goth4goth yall heard it here  


ROSE: She isn’t goth for having black hair, Dave.  


ROSE: I consider that an insult to actual goths.  


DAVE: yeah you would  


DAVE: bro did you captchalogue the fucking remote  


ROSE: Occasionally, the semi-physical game constructs that make up our reality can come in handy.  


ROSE: Sit down and look at Graham.  


  
So you do.  


The movie creeps towards its ending, and you can’t say you don’t cry a little bit when Lyonne comes out with her pom-poms. It’s romantic, if cheesy as fuck, that they found each other despite all the internal shit and initial hostility and overbearing unsurety. Fucking beautiful.  


Rose is tearing up a little bit too and, after tonight, you don’t let it slide. As conspicuous as you can, you turn over your shades to her. With a roll of her eyes, she takes them and puts them on. You can still hear sniffling.  


Not even snarky broads are immune to _But I’m a Cheerleader’s_ charms.  


The movie ends, and you get up to leave. At the door, you hug Rose again, and your hold on her is a bit too-tight and too-long to be any kind of ‘cool’. You remember the first day on the meteor, less than an hour after your suicide mission to the Green Sun. When she’d asked to hug you, and you didn’t let go for more seconds than you had wanted to count.  


It was the first time you’d hugged someone in years.  


You head back to your room, kick open the door with your foot, noting the light shining through the crack beneath.  


  
DAVE: hey dude dont leave my light—  


DAVE: oh shit  


  
Looking like an image out of an ad for troll sleeping pills, Karkat is sprawled over your bed, eyes-shut and mouth-open. You snort, kick off your sneakers, and flick the lightswitch to ‘off’. And walk over to him. You’re far past the days of waking him up or opting to sleep on the floor, so you step over him, gingerly as you can, and lie down by his side.  


It’s far too early for anyone to be getting sleep, but you don’t have shit else to do. So, you close your eyes, listen to his near-snore breathing, and let yourself be at rest.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to say thank you so much to this weeks sponsor, 2001 satirical lesbian romcom _but im a cheerleader_!!!! The perfect film for streaming with your fellow gays, or for using as a backdrop against which you come out to your sibling!!!
> 
> (i am of course joking, but imagine a world where fics got sponsored. in-fic product placement. cursed.)
> 
> beyond that, while i could say a lot about this chapter, i really think it speaks for itself! this is the scene i wrote the soapbox for, honestly. im so excited to finally put it out there!
> 
> as always, im so so grateful to yall for reading!! this fic means so much to me and im so delighted that people seem to like it. since the advent of fic-sponsoring is not yet upon us, my only payment is your kudos and kind words, so if you feel so moved, id love to hear from yall!
> 
> goodnight <3333


	8. Chapter 8

DAVE: hey karkat  


KARKAT: MORNING  


DAVE: nah man im on that west meteor time  


DAVE: fully afternoon as far as im concerned  


DAVE: which is not far at all because time is an illusion  


DAVE: as time guy i can legally say that  


DAVE: hey  


DAVE: um  


DAVE: can we talk  


KARKAT: ... YES  


DAVE: well that was hesitant  


DAVE: oh fuck  


DAVE: im not like  


DAVE: breaking up with you or anything  


DAVE: palewise  


DAVE: do yall even call that breaking up i feel like i should know that  


DAVE: but yeah no not that  


DAVE: if that was even a thing  


DAVE: you were worried about  


KARKAT: CALM DOWN, YOU JUST SEEMED UNCHARACTERISTICALLY TENTATIVE. I FUCKING NOTICE THESE THINGS ABOUT YOU NOW.  


DAVE: yeah dude, i know  


DAVE: but nah im just revving myself up for some mad honesty right now  


KARKAT: FEELINGS JAM?  


DAVE: might turn into one but right now i think its just gonna be a me rambling jam  


DAVE: rambling about that important shit  


DAVE: all genuine no fucking around  


DAVE: taking the bitch shields by which i mean sunglasses off so you get how fucking honest im about to be  


DAVE: even though its  


DAVE: like its not even that big of a deal and it certainly isnt for you  


DAVE: if you even get what im gonna say cause like  


DAVE: its all that cultural divide shit and we can joke all we want about ‘troll gay and human gay’ but there are real distinctions there and cultural differences and however im processing it, which is a whole thing, its a whole *different* thing for you to process and like  


KARKAT: DAVE, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS MIGHT BE KIND OF A BIG DEAL.  


DAVE: yeah no its just  


DAVE: wow fuck okay im having a lot of trouble ha sorry  


DAVE: so the whole gay thing  


DAVE: human gay  


DAVE: theres a lot of stigma about it as youve probably fucking picked up from the way i talk about it  


DAVE: and then that stigma gets tied with some bullshit ideals about masculinity  


DAVE: and sometimes you get raised by someone who is really fucking into those bullshit ideals about masculinity and also heroism and also violence and that makes everything *way* more fucking difficult  


DAVE: like sometimes it takes your entire goddamn life to be able to even think about it and then while youre processing everyones looking at you like wow that dude is definitely into guys like what a fucking gay idiot how does he not realize  


DAVE: but you *do* realize is the thing  


DAVE: but knowing shit and saying shit are two very different things and then you try like twenty times to come out to your sister cause she gets it and even then you kind of fuck it up but shes great about it cause of course she is  


DAVE: but then well you live on a meteor with a bunch of fucking aliens and is it even worth going through the emotional rigamarole of coming out to people who dont even know what that *means*  


DAVE: so then you (by which i mean i) wait like a week but i really want to tell you (by which i mean you) even though you prolly already know and i might have another panic attack but like  


DAVE: the point is  


DAVE: karkat  


DAVE: im gay  


KARKAT: DAVE—  


DAVE: yeah no i know its like not even a big deal for you  


DAVE: but—  


KARKAT: BUT IT’S A BIG DEAL FOR YOU  


KARKAT: SO IT *IS* A BIG DEAL FOR ME  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: dude  


KARKAT: TOO SAPPY?  


DAVE: i mean definitely but please keep going  


DAVE: and i am putting the bitch shields back on  


DAVE: not that im gonna cry but i might  


KARKAT: THANK YOU, FOR TELLING ME.  


KARKAT: IT’S...  


KARKAT: I KNOW YOU SAID IT “ISN’T A BIG DEAL” FOR ME, AND I WON’T SAY THAT I DIDN’T KNOW  


KARKAT: BUT I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU AND I UNDERSTAND WHY THIS MATTERS!  


KARKAT: I STILL THINK YOUR SOCIETY WAS FUCKING STUPID FOR EVEN MAKING THAT DISTINCTION, AND THEN VALUING ONE “SEXUALITY” MORE THAN THE REST  


DAVE: yeah man cause it was  


DAVE: imagine how easy it mustve been growing up on alternia where your only worries are how many kids you have to kill  


DAVE: not a single stress about how hot you find dudes  


KARKAT: IT'S ALMOST LIKE ALL SOCIETIES ARE BY NATURE FUCKED!  


KARKAT: BUT IT CLEARLY FUCKING MATTERS AND IT HAS CLEARLY BEEN REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO...  


KARKAT: COME TO TERMS WITH IT?  


DAVE: yeah thats an apt description  


KARKAT: YOU’RE MY MOIRAIL, I OBVIOUSLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU BEING HAPPY AND NOT DEEPLY FUCKED UP BY SOCIETAL BULLSHIT.  


KARKAT: YOU’VE SEEMED  


KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW  


KARKAT: LIGHTER?  


KARKAT: THIS PAST WEEK  


KARKAT: AND EVEN MORE SINCE YOU TOLD ME  


KARKAT: AND THAT MAKES ME REALLY GODDAMN HAPPY  


DAVE: god fuck  


DAVE: can i hug you please  


KARKAT: OF COURSE  


DAVE: i just  


DAVE: its really dumb  


DAVE: everyone already knows, but fuck if that makes it any easier  


DAVE: and im not mad that yall know i wasnt like hiding it  


DAVE: i cant even explain it  


DAVE: and like  


DAVE: you and kanaya and vrisrezi  


DAVE: i know it aint a thing for yall  


DAVE: being gay  


DAVE: but the fact that it isnt and thats it like even fucking possible to live without this being a *thing* that you have to worry about  


DAVE: and also this is so dumb but like you and your fucking romcoms  


DAVE: like dude theyre so dumb theyre just bad movies but you care so goddamn much about them and youre so loud and genuine and smart when you talk about it and its like wow holy shit maybe being a likeable person isnt based on how much you can emotionally distance yourself from anything you might even remotely enjoy  


DAVE: like huge fuckin realization there dave  


DAVE: but really  


DAVE: this isnt a direct tie to the gay thing but so much of the gay thing was dumb ingrained bullshit about ‘coolness’ so like knowing that 1) it literally is just bullshit look at these people who dont even know what gay is and 2) some people are genuinely not cool at all and are just really loud about dumb stuff they like but thats what *makes* them compelling and interesting and amazing people it was  


DAVE: like dude i just  


DAVE: i know weve mostly been keeping this in troll terms and like when i say ‘im so goddamn pale for you’ you know that means that i care about you so much but like  


DAVE: im a human and when i think about how i feel about you i still always also end up thinking that  


DAVE: i  


DAVE: i love you, dude  


DAVE: so much  


DAVE: and i know that means basically the same thing but for me  


DAVE: i want to say it  


KARKAT: DAVE  


KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO  


KARKAT: FUCKING OBVIOUSLY  


DAVE: oh  


DAVE: ha thats  


DAVE: really fucking gay man  


KARKAT: I THINK WE’VE BEEN ‘REALLY FUCKING GAY’ FOR A WHILE.  


KARKAT: IT ISN’T... THAT ISN’T THE MAIN WORD WE USE. BUT, MUCH LIKE WITH ‘GAY’, I’VE BEEN FORCED TO, WITH NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER, LEARN THE HUMAN IMPORTANCE OF THE WORD.  


KARKAT: AND I DO.  


KARKAT: LOVE YOU.  


  


You are ridiculously glad the bitch shields are up.  


You further bury your face in his shoulder, in the comforting soft of his old-ass sweater. The nosebridge of your shades dig into your skin but you don’t have it in you to give a shit.  


He loves you.  


And it’s— you haven’t clarified what that means, exactly. But that doesn’t even matter. You love him in every way (not pitch, really, and fuck the ashen quadrant but— but there’s even more ways to love someone than trolls or humans put words to, and you’re feeling a lot of them right now.) You’ll love him in any way he wants, and you won’t pine for the ways he doesn’t. He loves you, holy shit.  


  


DAVE: love you too, dude  


DAVE: ha ha i already said that huh  


DAVE: call me a dumbass but i uh  


DAVE: really like saying it  


KARKAT: I LIKE HEARING IT.  


DAVE: dude this is getting really sappy  


DAVE: fuckin maple forest of sap here  


DAVE: motherfuckers keep getting stuck in all this sappy bullshit  


KARKAT: IS THE ROMCOM STUFF REALLY THAT DUMB?  


DAVE: so fucking dumb dude  


DAVE: which makes it all the fucking better that you like it so much and have so much smart shit to say about it  


DAVE: you just  


DAVE: dude ive never met anyone who *cares* as much as you do  


DAVE: and not only about romcoms obviously  


DAVE: about people  


DAVE: like i dont know what the fuck id do if i cared that much and grew up on fuckin heartless the planet  


DAVE: killing kids and watching your kid friends kill your kid enemies  


DAVE: or even kill kids you feel ambivalent about  


DAVE: whatever point is  


DAVE: im in awe of you dude  


DAVE: and back into sap forest  


KARKAT: I LIKE GAY DAVE.  


KARKAT: HE GIVES ME MORE COMPLIMENTS.  


DAVE: fellas is it gay to compliment your moirail  


DAVE: nah but really its the learning to be less horrifically emotionally constipated  


KARKAT: YOU’RE DOING ALRIGHT FROM WHAT I’M SEEING.  


KARKAT: SINCE, ACCORDING TO YOUR METAPHOR, WE’RE ALREADY BOTH ASS DEEP IN SAP, I JUST WANT TO SAY, IT’S—  


KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I’VE MADE IT CLEAR ENOUGH, HOW FUCKING YOU MEAN TO ME.  


KARKAT: YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT ABOUT ME BEING CARING BUT THAT DOESN’T TRANSLATE TO BEING OPEN ABOUT SHIT, I HAVE THESE WALLS UP TOO!  


KARKAT: I MEAN, YOU REMEMBER HORRID 6-SWEEP-OLD ME.  


KARKAT: I WAS SO STUPIDLY JEALOUS OF HOW “COOL” YOU WERE AND HOW EVERYONE LIKED YOU SO MUCH, UNTIL I SPENT LIKE TEN MINUTES IN YOUR PRESENCE AND IT TURNED OUT!  


KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT COOL, BUT I ENDED UP LIKING YOU ANYWAY!  


KARKAT: AND, AS FUCKING EMBARRASSING AS IT IS SOMETIMES, CARING DOES KIND OF JUST, COME NATURALLY TO ME, I GUESS. AND, HOLY SHIT, I REALLY CARED ABOUT YOU, WHICH I FELT SO STUPID FOR.  


KARKAT: AND IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT, YOU GREW UP WITH THIS ASSHOLE GUARDIAN WHO BASICALLY BANNED YOU FROM CARING ABOUT SHIT, SO WATCHING YOU BEING MORE...  


KARKAT: OPEN SOUNDS SO FUCKING DUMB I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS  


DAVE: no dude go on  


DAVE: me learning not to shut people out like some poorly developed lone wolf trope yeah  


KARKAT: LIKE THIS IS THE SELFISH PART OF IT BUT OBVIOUSLY I WAS GLAD TO SEE YOU BE MORE OPEN BECAUSE YOU BEING CLOSED OFF WAS AWFUL!  


KARKAT: IT’S— WHEN YOU WERE, I FELT LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR BEING SO GODDAMN PALE FOR YOU.  


KARKAT: LIKE YEAH FUCKING OF COURSE KARKAT HAS THIS HUGE CRUSH ON SOMEONE WHO COULDN’T GIVE LESS OF A SHIT ABOUT HIM!  


DAVE: karkat—  


KARKAT: YOU WERE SO... CLOSED OFF, AND EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE LIKE THAT WITH EVERYONE I JUST FELT LIKE—  


KARKAT: LIKE I’D ENDED UP CARING SO MUCH ABOUT YOU AND I THOUGHT YOU JUST TOLERATED ME, CAUSE THERE ARE SIX PEOPLE ON THIS ROCK AND WHAT CHOICE DID YOU *HAVE*?  


KARKAT: SO WHEN YOU STARTED HOLDING MY HAND AND LAYING ON ME AND SMILING MORE AND TAKING YOUR STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES OFF AROUND ME—  


KARKAT: WHICH, SPEAKING OF DUMBASS THINGS, SHADES AND ROMCOMS HAVE TO BE EQUAL MEASURE  


DAVE: i got one pair of shades youve got five million romcoms man that shit aint comparable  


KARKAT: FUCK YOU THE POINT IS, YOU ASKED TO BE MY MOIRAIL AND I DIDN’T...  


KARKAT: I HADN’T REALIZED YOU FELT THAT WAY ABOUT ME.  


KARKAT: I TRUSTED YOU TO NOT BE BULLSHITTING IT OR CONFLATING IT WITH CLOSE HUMAN FRIENDSHIP BUT IT WAS STILL...  


KARKAT: IT TOOK A WHILE FOR ME TO REALIZE ANYONE WOULD EVER  


KARKAT: THAT *YOU* WOULD EVER  


KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THIS ISN’T THE POINT AT ALL!  


KARKAT: THIS ISN’T THE POINT, EXCEPT TO SAY THAT BECAUSE OF IRRATIONAL INSECURITY BULLSHIT, I’M FUCKING INCAPABLE OF SEEING MYSELF AS WORTHY OF LOVE, WHICH KEPT ME FROM JUST BEING HONEST ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU MEANT TO ME BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO COME OFF AS PATHETIC OR TOO INTO THIS WHEN I COULDN’T RATIONALIZE THAT YOU FELT THE SAME.  


KARKAT: BUT THAT'S ALL SHIT WE CAN WORK THROUGH LATER, HOLY SHIT THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME—  


DAVE: dude this relationship is all give and take and we can take a fucking second for this cause karkat  


DAVE: you are so fucking deserving of love  


DAVE: like insecurity complexes are a bitch and prolly just a part of being a teen but also i dont want you to think for a second that any of that shit youre thinking is true cause youre one of the most amazing people ive ever met and i know that doesnt sound like much cause i aint met that many people but sometimes when im with you dude its like i dont even *want* to meet anyone else cause i got you  


DAVE: and thats some overdramatic bullshit and tbh a little codependent i know but  


DAVE: sap forest man its where we are right now  


KARKAT: DAVE I—  


KARKAT: THANK YOU, OF COURSE.  


KARKAT: YOU’RE— LIKE I’VE FUCKING TRIPPED OVER SAYING A MILLION TIMES, BUT YOU ARE SO RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT TO ME, TOO.  


KARKAT: ALL THAT YOU SAID— ME TOO, ABOUT YOU  


KARKAT: BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE THIS ABOUT ME! GOD DAMMIT, I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT, CAUSE THAT’S ALL— THIS IS ALL SELFISH, THAT’S NOT THE ONLY REASON IT MADE ME HAPPY TO SEE YOU GET LESS CLOSED OFF.  


KARKAT: YOU’VE GOTTEN HAPPIER.  


KARKAT: AND FOR ALL I LIKE TO THINK I’VE HELPED WITH SOME OF THE OTHER EMOTIONAL ISSUES, YOU’VE MANAGED TO WORK THROUGH THE WHOLE GAY THING PRETTY MUCH JUST BY YOURSELF AND WITH ROSE BECAUSE I KNOW I’M NOT AS MUCH HELP AS I COULD’VE BEEN IF I *GOT IT* MORE AND I FEEL VERY FUCKING BAD ABOUT THAT!  


DAVE: dude did you not hear my whole thing about how you were a major part in my breakdown of the bullshit coolness standard  


KARKAT: SHOOSH LET ME FINISH.  


KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING ADMIRABLE IS THE POINT.  


KARKAT: KNOWING MYSELF I WOULD’VE JUST RETREATED AND BELIEVED THAT BEING CLOSED OFF WAS THE ONLY OPTION AND THEN CONVINCED MYSELF I WAS FUCKING FINE BEING LONELY AND MISERABLE.  


KARKAT: AND IT WOULD’VE BEEN AWFUL.  


KARKAT: BUT YOU *WORKED THROUGH IT*. YOU FUCKING DID THAT! YOU KIND OF AMAZE ME!  


KARKAT: WHICH IS ALL TO SAY I’M REALLY GLAD AND PROUD AND JUST HAPPY  


KARKAT: FOR YOU  


DAVE: karkat i  


DAVE: fuck  


KARKAT: TOO MUCH?  


DAVE: literally never dude  


DAVE: like fucking listen to me you go overboard on everything and i love that about you  


DAVE: top three karkat things for sure  


DAVE: its the caring for me  


DAVE: which speaking of  


DAVE: look i know we could go back and forth playing self-blame when in the end its all internalized shit and insecurity complexes that aint on anybodys head but i am so wildly fucking sorry that i wasnt more clear about feelings shit early on  


DAVE: like i liked you so much but — you know dumbass thirteen year old dave, liking something? not even a fucking possibility — but like has been said i was shit about showing it that so its wild to me that you still even wanted to hang out with me let alone be my fucking moirail after at least a year and a half of that  


DAVE: fucking dumbass dave actually has a genuine emotion about someone and copes by shutting off completely  


DAVE: but no dude im sorry you ever had to doubt that i love you so much  


DAVE: all kinds of pale here  


DAVE: <>  


DAVE: however you say that out loud  


KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU JUST DID BUT YEAH FUCK  


KARKAT: <>  


DAVE: bullshit constructs of the universe man  


DAVE: cant escape it  


DAVE: im gay and i love you  


DAVE: aint that crazy  


DAVE: all kinds of confessions on this meteor tonight huh  


DAVE: wow gotta get used to the taste of those words  


KARKAT: AT LEAST THEY’RE BOTH CONCEPTS YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH! I'M JUST GOING INTO THIS HOPING I'M NOT CONSTANTLY SAYING THE WRONG FUCKING THING  


DAVE: youre all good man  


DAVE: but yeah guess i got the upper leg—  


DAVE: fuck  


DAVE: upper hand  


DAVE: leg up  


DAVE: bullshit expressions  


DAVE: guess i got the hand up on that one  


DAVE: dude lets watch a dumbass romcom  


DAVE: itll be mad romantic you can shoosh me when i try to talk over it  


DAVE: and then you can tell me everything it did right and wrong while i swoon over how pale hot it is when you care about dumb shit  


KARKAT: OKAY I’M NOT OPPOSED TO THIS PLAN.  


KARKAT: BUT I MAY HAVE TO SELECT A GOOD TROLL ROMCOM JUST TO CONTEST YOUR RAMPANT FUCKING SLANDER.  


DAVE: dude even if ‘good troll romcom’ wasnt an oxymoron im convinced you brought only the worst of what your planet has to offer  


KARKAT: SHOOSH DAVE.  


KARKAT: ONLY ROMCOMS NOW.  


  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \-- 

  
TG: hey rose what does it mean  


TG: hypothetically  


TG: if a guy you like tells you he loves you and that yall are being gay together and that he was basically (pale) pining over you for like a year  


TT: If a man thinks I’m ‘being gay’ with him, then I think he and I may have some more pressing concerns to iron out.  


TG: ha ha please help me  


TG: i should probably worry about him reading this but hes fucking mesmirized by that screen  


TG: oh look there goes troll sandra bullock  


TG: anyway i think i might have gone overboard with telling him how much i admire him and think hes amazing and i think i called him ‘pale hot’ at one point fuck  


TG: this just in im not at all subtle and even less so since running my mouth about being gay  


TT: Well, most prevalently, congratulations on what I assume is your second coming out.  


TT: As for the other concerns, I know this may come as a shock to you, but this does seem to indicate, in even the slightest manner, that he may have some feelings for you that have so far gone undisclosed.  


TT: A shocking turn of events.  


TT: What those feelings are, I hope I can trust you to puzzle through yourself?  


TT: I’d love to be of more help, but I am on a date right now and unless you would like the topic of conversation to be these messages...  


TG: this is extortion  


TT: No, it isn’t.  


TG: its blackmail  


TT: Closer.  


TG: have fun on your date im gonna go stare longingly at karkat like those brokeback mountain bitches  


TT: And I will go love my girlfriend like those But I’m A Cheerleader bitches.  


TG: godspeed to both of us  


TT: Godspeed.  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \-- 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i... really don't know where this comedy fic turned into an emotional carthasis fic, but hopefully the same catharsis dave and karkat, and also i, draw from it is also extended to you, dear reader. (and i promise, the next chapter has a good dose of comedy)
> 
> i feel like the soapbox is so dave-centric that we havent touched much on karkats issues, which i feel kinda bad about. hes working on things too!! internalized troll homophobia but also just. intense insecurity issues and emotional issues and survivors guilt issues and i *will* write a fic one day that delves more into that but, for now, its just dave assuring him that he is very, very loved.
> 
> besides that, im sorry this chapter is a bit later than expected, and also that ive been a bit shit at responding to comments! my computer is completely shot and im just now getting access to a temporary one, and i hate doing ao3 stuff on mobile. that being said i appreciated comments more than life itself and i appreciate all of you so dang much for reading!! have the most lovely of nights <333


	9. Chapter 9

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  \--

  


TG: hey rose im about to do something stupid  


  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  is now an idle chum! --

  


TG: youre not here even better  


TG: so i was thinking it over  


TG: by which i mean a singular thought crossed my mind and youre my impulse control so its gonna happen now  


TG: also ngl youre kind of shit at being my impulse control like i dont think youve stopped me from being a dumbass once  


TG: almost like thats not a job you signed up for or want  


TG: anyway im gonna kiss karkat  


TG: thats the plan  


TG: and if you were here youd probably be saying like  


TG: ‘Dave, maybe it isn’t the best idea to be rushing into this, before you two have had any conversation about your relationship beyond the pale quadrant, and when no less than a month ago you said that kissing him could cause you to have a panic attack’  


TG: nah actually youd probably just raise one of those impeccably kept eyebrows and ask me ‘what brought this on’ in a tone that feels both like its admonishing me and egging me on to do it  


TG: but at least fictional!rose is gonna help me with this  


TG: so anyway i would then respond  


TG: ‘okay but ive wanted to smooch him for like a fucking year now and the fact that i still havent combined with that knowledge that everyone else on this rock is getting some sweet kiss action on the regular is just too much’  


TG: also im not gonna just go up to the guy and start macking on him  


TG: im gonna ask  


TG: and hell say yes  


TG: ‘Or maybe he won’t’, says fictional!rose and damn youre gonna be pissed and sue me for defamation of character  


TG: sorry rose not all of us can have complete in-character interpretations of everyone in our friend fic  


TG: so anyway hes not gonna say no and if he does ill do the respectful thing and go whine to you about it and be mortified forever and maybe never show my face in front of him again  


TG: *but* hes gonna say yes and then were gonna smooch and then  


TG: i havent gotten that far and that is completely fine with me  


TG: ok im gonna do that  


TG: wish me luck  


TT: Wait, Dave.  


TG: uh  


TG: -- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --  


TT: That isn’t how that works.  


  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  threw his phone across the room! --

  


TT: Well then.  


TT: As you’ve said in your magnum opus,  


TT: ‘really just try shit out and see what works’  


TT: ‘might not work might fall in some real troll gay love nobody knows’  


TT: Truer words have never been written.  


TT: Sorry, *written in a thesis paper about the broader implications of troll romance.  


TT: Godspeed, Dave.  


TT: ...  


TT: Would it be morally irresponsible of me to tell Kanaya about this?  


TT: She is right here.  


TT: And fictional!Rose was far less supportive than I imagine myself, so I’m sure our Terezi would have some words to say about justice in such a situation.  


TT: Well, I’m certainly going to tell her about something, because the longer this wall of purple text gets the more I feel like you.  


TT: Enjoy your first human/troll sloppy makeout.  


  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

  


KARKAT: AM I ALLOWED TO ASK—  


DAVE: always dude curiosity is the backbone of knowledge  


DAVE: whats up  


KARKAT: —WHY YOU JUST THREW YOUR PHONE AT THE WALL?  


DAVE: oh  


DAVE: there was a bug  


DAVE: pretty sure i got it  


DAVE: god terezis gonna be pissed im sure she wanted that as a snack  


KARKAT: WOW  


KARKAT: IN A SHOCKING TURN TURN OF EVENTS I AM *NOT* ENOUGH OF AN IDIOT TO BELIEVE THAT!  


DAVE: no look man im a genuine insectophobe  


DAVE: gotta kill those bitches before than can kill me  


DAVE: hey do you wanna kiss  


KARKAT:  


KARKAT: WHAT.  


DAVE: you know  


DAVE: smooching  


DAVE: me specifically  


DAVE: not like just a general desire to kiss someone  


KARKAT: NO I FUCKING GOT THAT.  


DAVE: alright so want to  


DAVE: if not thats also mad fucking chill like  


DAVE: you could also keep telling me about your fifty first dates/serendipity crossover fanfic instead  


KARKAT: IT ISN’T  


KARKAT: UGH  


KARKAT: WHY?  


DAVE: cause im super interested in how jon cusack and adam sandler would interact on the page  


DAVE: underrated dynamic  


KARKAT: DAVE.  


DAVE: i dont know dude  


DAVE: just  


DAVE: actually forget it  


DAVE: you know me i aint got any sort of filter and zero impulse control  


DAVE: (thanks rose)  


DAVE: dave striders just saying bullshit nothing to worry about  


KARKAT: I WOULDN’T MIND.  


DAVE: what?  


KARKAT: I MEAN IT WOULD BE FINE IF WE  


KARKAT: KISSED  


KARKAT: I’M NOT OPPOSED.  


DAVE: oh uh okay  


DAVE: if youre  


DAVE: if youre cool with that yeah  


KARKAT: YEAH.  


KARKAT: UM  


DAVE: also first quick note if i have a panic attack dont freak thats just normal human reaction to smooching  


KARKAT: NOT REASSURING AND ALMOST DEFINITELY UNTRUE BUT OKAY.  


DAVE: okay so im just gonna  


DAVE: kiss you alright  


KARKAT: ALRIGHT.  


  
The thing is, you don’t actually know how to kiss someone.  


You were isolated in an apartment for nearly all of your life, and whatever corpse smooching opportunities the game provided, it's not like that actually taught you shit.  


But he’s looking at you, all furrowed brow and nervous, fast-glancing gaze, and huh he really does have a lot of freckles up close and holy shit his teeth are really sharp and haha wow you’re kinda into that.  


Your hands are on his face, (holy shit he’s so warm like you know that but y’all are very close right now) middle finger rested in the dip between jawbone and neck. His claws dig into the fabric around your waist, and your knees knock together in the small space between you. You give his face a once over, a final, silent, ‘are you sure?’  


He nods.  


Your noses bump, and you have a moment to regret leaving your glasses on as you make sure they’re not digging into the side of his face. But then—  


It’s closed mouth, a press of lips more than a real kiss. Clumsy, if anything. But his fingers are still on your waist. His other hand covers one of your own, the fingers slipping into the gaps between yours. He is holding you, like he always does. He is so close and he is so warm and he makes you so happy and it is too...  


It’s that kind of extreme that’s impossible to place; whether it’s too much or too little, whether you’re burning up or freezing, whether the tightness in your gut is sickeningly sweet or just sick.  


You really don’t want to have a panic attack.  


You pull away from him, hands falling from his cheeks to his shoulders to off of him, entirely. His eyes blink open, and you can see yourself reflected in his side-cast gaze, all straight lipped and eschew sunglasses. Unreadable.  


You should tell him, you think, how you feel. That you’re as flushed as you are pale, that fuck panic attacks, you always want to kiss him, that learning all the nuances of his culture’s bullshit relationship system was worth it if only to voice the exact way you’ve fallen in love.  


  
DAVE: cool  


  
Dammit.  


  
KARKAT: ... COOL.  


KARKAT: YOU’RE UH  


KARKAT: NOT GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK, RIGHT?  


DAVE: yeah no i thought about it  


DAVE: no offense totally me not you  


DAVE: but nope i think ive got it in check  


KARKAT: OKAY, GOOD.  


KARKAT: SO, SHOULD WE  


DAVE: what  


KARKAT: NOTHING  


KARKAT: UH  


DAVE: hmm  


KARKAT: YEAH  


DAVE: i should probably—  


KARKAT: I THINK SOMEONE’S—  


DAVE: oh sorry  


KARKAT: NO IT’S FINE  


KARKAT: YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING?  


DAVE: yep thats what im doing  


DAVE: hitting the road  


DAVE: i was texting rose earlier before i threw my phone i mean killed that bug  


DAVE: shes probably wondering what happened to me  


KARKAT: YEAH YOU SHOULD GO  


KARKAT: TALK TO HER.  


DAVE: yep im gonna do that  


KARKAT: SOUNDS GOOD  


DAVE: do you wanna watch a movie later  


KARKAT: OH!  


KARKAT: I MEAN  


KARKAT: SURE  


DAVE: sweet see you  


KARKAT: BYE  


  


==>

  


  
DAVE: hey did you actually tell kanaya cause if so i might have to sue you for dissemination of confidential information  


ROSE: I’ve already submitted the forms to sue you for defamation of character, so it’s only fair.  


ROSE: I suppose your phone survived the throw, then?  


DAVE: had to tenderly nurse it back to health but yeah  


ROSE: Send it my well wishes.  


ROSE: And, no. I didn’t tell Kanaya.  


ROSE: Yet, at least.  


ROSE: I wanted your permission, and also to avoid getting her hopes up if it could be helped.  


DAVE: hopes up?  


ROSE: It has been well established that all there is left to do on this meteor is gossip and, now that vrisrezi seem to have sorted themselves out, you two are the centerpiece of discussion.  


ROSE: We are all rooting for you.  


DAVE: wow  


DAVE: honestly fuck it just tell her its not like any shit is private here  


ROSE: Fantastic.  


ROSE: So.  


ROSE: How did it go?  


DAVE: uh  


DAVE: i feel like ‘good’ is very subjective here  


DAVE: like did i have a panic attack? nope  


DAVE: was kissing him nice? hell yeah  


DAVE: like really fucking nice holy shit  


DAVE: like im gonna keep this pg it was a very chaste kiss which was kinda a shame cause i am *very* curious about the fangs situation you know  


DAVE: like literally every single one of his teeth is really sharp and like  


DAVE: *wow*  


DAVE: you know?  


ROSE: I never want to hear another disparaging comment about my attraction to vampires.  


DAVE: gay gene who? i only know vampire kink gene  


DAVE: ok so like  


DAVE: it couldve been way worse is the point  


DAVE: but like  


DAVE: did we communicate in any way about it that would give me an idea how he feels about me or how were going to progress this relationship?  


DAVE: thats a no  


ROSE: Well, it feels like this outcome was inevitable.  


ROSE: To quote your pre-smooch plan, ‘i havent gotten [to what will happen after the kiss] and that is completely fine with me’  


ROSE: I imagine that issue didn’t get resolved in the past ten minutes.  


DAVE: yeah not really  


DAVE: god fuck i  


DAVE: after i kissed him  


DAVE: i just said ‘cool’  


ROSE: Oh, Dave.  


DAVE: yeah no not very smooth  


DAVE: i did ask him to watch a movie tonight  


DAVE: didnt want him to think things were like  


DAVE: bad  


DAVE: or that I was upset  


DAVE: and he seemed like he wanted to so i dont think it like really fucked things up?  


ROSE: Hmm.  


ROSE: Well it certainly could be worse.  


ROSE: I know we have been over this, but you do want to date him, correct?  


ROSE: In an at least partially flushed capacity?  


DAVE: sure fucking do  


ROSE: He agreed to kiss you even when you were, presumably, weird and cagey about the whole ordeal?  


DAVE: again yeah  


ROSE: Then, please, save everyone on this meteor the strife and tell him how you feel.  


ROSE: Please.  


ROSE: Dave I feel myself aging with each of these conversations we have.  


DAVE: were not all uhaulers rose  


DAVE: some of us take our time  


ROSE: This is anti lesbian sentiment and I won’t stand for it.  


DAVE: ok i know what you said about pining being cliche and how im better than that  


ROSE: I don’t remember saying the latter.  


DAVE: funny  


DAVE: okay like i agree  


DAVE: like its bullshit to act like he doesnt like me like look at me im hot shit  


DAVE: plus like the emotional connection thing thats probably important too  


DAVE: but you know hes still unsure about the troll gay thing  


DAVE: and i dont want to have a relationship thats just red  


DAVE: like i wouldnt be heartbroken (diamond-broken?) but it would change how he acted around me and i dont  


DAVE: like i really want to keep being pale with him  


ROSE: Perhaps this is a conversation you could have with the troll himself?  


ROSE: Not that I don’t enjoy these talks.  


ROSE: But again, aging.  


DAVE: youre a god lalonde  


ROSE: And yet, you’ve still managed to age me.  


ROSE: Your skills are unmatched.  


DAVE: maybe i should just wait until we get to the new session  


DAVE: its what like six months away now? less?  


DAVE: wait to see the dust settle  


DAVE: make sure neither of us you know  


DAVE: die  


ROSE: That is avoidance bullshit, I hope we are both aware.  


ROSE: But even if I take what you say at face value, I worry. I know you are now a totally put-together, out gay man with no lingering internalized homophobia —  


DAVE: naturally  


ROSE: — but are you sure that it will be *easier* for you to enter into an even ‘gayer’ relationship when you are suddenly around friends to whom you are not out and whom you have not seen since you were a deeply repressed thirteen year old?  


ROSE: I just worry that may complicate things.  


DAVE: you know ive been surprisingly successful in not thinking about that  


ROSE: Oh?  


DAVE: yeah like coming out to john and jade and  


DAVE: honestly the alt-guardians thing is such a different can of worms  


DAVE: like we cracked it and a single worm got out and even that one slimy bitch was too much nope lets seal up that can i do not want to deal with that right now  


DAVE: the point is i love john but hes a dumbass and hes gonna be weird about it  


DAVE: i trust jade a bit more to not be weird  


DAVE: hey do you think jades gay?  


DAVE: im one hundred percent sure that johns straight but i feel like wlw jade is a real possibility  


ROSE: Hmm.  


ROSE: I feel like there are some moral quadries in discussing the sexualites of people we haven’t seen since we were thirteen.  


ROSE: But not too many.  


ROSE: I believe in the queer Jade theory.  


DAVE: like shes weird in that cool way that straight people arent  


ROSE: She’s a scientist and, in my experience and understanding, the only STEM kids who are not boring and insufferable are gay.  


ROSE: And she’s a furry, a fairly queer demographic.  


DAVE: the queer jade theory: brought to you by the minds behind ‘karkat is troll gay’  


ROSE: So gossiping about the relationships and sexualities about our fellow meteor residents was not the last tier of boredom, then.  


DAVE: nah now we got that goss on the harleyberts  


DAVE: fuck i miss them  


ROSE: As do I.  


DAVE: like surprise surprise dave had three friends and lost two thirds of them overnight yeah that sucked  


DAVE: i mean nah i had a bunch of friends but most of them were crows  


DAVE: who died in the whole sburb thing im realizing now  


DAVE: at least ill get to see john and jade again  


DAVE: rip to those crows though  


DAVE: :(  


ROSE: Would you like us to hold a ceremony?  


ROSE: It would be nice, you could say a few words, I could burn some incense.  


ROSE: Perhaps the trolls could serve as a nice mourning choir.  


ROSE: It would be nice to attend a partially ironic, partially sincere pet funeral again.  


DAVE: thats a normal thing to be nostalgic for right  


ROSE: Certainly.  


ROSE: In honesty, I didn’t have any other friends either.  


ROSE: I suppose I got along well with several of my tutors, and I am sad to think that they’re dead now, but not going to school...  


DAVE: not much opportunity for that peer bonding  


DAVE: john was probably the only one of us that went to school huh  


ROSE: Likely.  


ROSE: Though he really didn’t say much about it.  


DAVE: he was a grade a nerd maybe he got bullied  


DAVE: like honestly did we really miss out it kinda seemed like school sucked  


DAVE: hey did i ever tell you  


DAVE: that for the first nine years of my life i didnt know school was real  


ROSE: I have not heard this, no.  


DAVE: bro told me it was something the media made up  


DAVE: i didnt go out much and i never saw a school and again  


DAVE: not like i had anybody to ask  


DAVE: i guess it was to get out of putting me in school?  


DAVE: sure there was probably a fucking law about that, prolly he said i was homeschooled  


DAVE: he pretty much just schooled me in the art of getting my ass kicked but at least i never had to do the pacer test  


ROSE: The what?  


DAVE: no clue but john made it sound bad  


DAVE: running maybe?  


ROSE: Imagine, attending gym.  


DAVE: literally id fucking never  


ROSE: I suppose we would have been the type that considered ourselves too good for gym and sat out every day in some dull form of protest?  


DAVE: naturally  


DAVE: strilondes simply dont play uh  


DAVE: dodgeball?  


ROSE: That sounds right.  


ROSE: Sports.  


DAVE: sports.  


ROSE: ...  


ROSE: You should talk to Karkat.  


DAVE: about queer jade theory or troll dodgeball  


ROSE: I was thinking more the nature of your relationship, but knowing you I’m sure you could get all three into one conversation.  


ROSE: Maybe even one sentence.  


DAVE: slander  


DAVE: im known for my clear and concise manner of speech  


DAVE: ramblings? compounded topics?  


DAVE: never fucking heard of her  


ROSE: I asked Kanaya to grab some water for me when I heard you coming and, unless she got caught up with your moirail’s side of this debacle, she really should have gotten back quite a while ago.  


ROSE: Long enough ago that I think she probably did get caught out with your moirail’s side of this debacle.  


ROSE: Hmm.  


DAVE: dont interrupt rosemary tonight  


DAVE: no one wants to be exposed to that level of gossip and nosiness  


ROSE: Oh there will be so much gossip.  


ROSE: But I have already dispatched my nosy advice for the night.  


ROSE: I wish you luck.  


DAVE: night rose  


ROSE: May the dreambubbles treat you well.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look i needed a BIT of mutual pining dumbassery in this all-too-communicative fic. they get to be dumb for five minutes before getting their shit together. theyve earned it.
> 
> are you, by chance, interested in knowing karkat's side of this oblivious dumbassery? [because i did write it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417881)! the soapbox will be getting quite a few extras, mostly just scenes i wrote but dont fit in the sort of narrative storytelling im trying to do, and theyre all gonna be in the series with this. hopefully, by the time you read this, i will have posted in the series a short fic where karkat consults kanaya and vrisrezi for advice on this dave situation. it goes about as well as you could expect.
> 
> i am... kind of losing it over the fact that this is a chapter away from being done. what the fuck. i think i am going to keep writing homestuck shit for a while so stick around if you enjoy what i do! as always, thank you so much for reading, and please let me know any of your lovely thoughts. i exist for no purpose other than making folks talk about troll romance.
> 
> good evening yall :))))


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not necessary reading, but i wrote a short fic [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29383368) that is basically the six of them talking about food and cooking and general dumbassery, a couple weeks into the meteor trip, and it ends up getting referenced a lot in this!

DAVE: dude  


DAVE: karkat  


DAVE: morning time  


DAVE: get out of bed time  


KARKAT: FUCK OFF  


DAVE: shoosh youre clearly up  


DAVE: hey dont push my face dont do that  


DAVE: cmon dude i got something to tell you  


KARKAT: FINE! WHAT!  


DAVE: i love you  


KARKAT: UH, YEAH, I FUCKING KNOW, YOU DIDN’T WAKE ME FOR *THAT*  


DAVE: hey that just aint the way you talk to your moirail on yalls anniversary  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: OUR WHAT  


DAVE: seven months  


DAVE: approx  


DAVE: real honest i dont own a calendar im guessing based on backdating some conversations with rose and them  


DAVE: youre tellin me you forgot this really important day  


KARKAT: 1) YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR HOW MANY HUMAN TIME CYCLES HAVE PASSED SINCE A DATE LITERALLY NEITHER OF US THOUGHT TO WRITE DOWN  


KARKAT: 2) I’VE CONSUMED ENOUGH HUMAN MEDIA TO BE PRETTY SURE SEVEN MONTH ANNIVERSARY IS A BULLSHIT THING YOU JUST MADE UP!  


DAVE: nah man seven is an incredibly important human romance number  


DAVE: this loud ass couple that lived in the apartment below me growing up got engaged on their seven-monthiversary it was fucking beautiful  


DAVE: didnt invite me to the wedding despite knowing me quite well from all the times they yelled up for us to shut the fuck up and stop swordfighting but  


KARKAT: YEAH, SURE  


KARKAT: YOU REALLY AREN’T AS GOOD AT BULLSHITTING EARTH FACTS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!  


DAVE: hey that couple downstairs were real and they were the only role model of love i had growing up, respect them  


DAVE: anyway get your sweet ass out of bed  


DAVE: youve been lying all over me for ten hours i know youre damn well rested  


DAVE: get a fresh start brush those pointy teeth of yours maybe even run a comb through your hair if youre up to it  


DAVE: you around for dinner  


KARKAT: ARE YOU OFFERING AN OUT FROM WHATEVER ATROCITY TEREZI IS PLANNING ON MAKING?  


DAVE: hey she tries her best and by ‘her best’ i mean every fucking spice that exists, at once  


KARKAT: I'D DEFINE IT MORE AS A DIRECT ATTEMPT TO KILL ME, BUT SURE!  


DAVE: well youre living tonight bro  


DAVE: i got dinner covered  


KARKAT: THANK FUCK  


KARKAT: WAIT WHY?  


DAVE: its an anniversary thing dont overthink  


DAVE: seriously dude just take some time spruce up ill see you later okay?  


KARKAT: I GUESS?  


DAVE: bye karkat  


KARKAT: BYE?  


KARKAT: OH SHIT WAIT  


DAVE: yeah?  


KARKAT: LOVE YOU TOO  


DAVE: haha yeah dude  


DAVE: i got you  


DAVE: see you tonight  


  


==>

  


  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

  


TG: hey tz whenre you gonna be in the kitchen  


GC: 4LW4YS 4ND N3V3R!  


GC: WHY?  


TG: cause i gotta get in there at some point  


TG: do some choice cooking that isnt a potential death threat to one of your poor friends eating it  


GC: YOU KNOW D4V3  


GC: 1V3 R3C3NTLY H34RD OF TH1S 34RTH G4M3  


GC: C4LL3D 'RUSS14N ROUL3TT3'  


GC: DO YOU KNOW TH1S G4M3 D4V3  


TG: ive heard tell  


GC: 1 W4NT TO MOD1FY 1T  


GC: TH3R3 4R3 S1X OF US Y3S  


GC: TOT4L1NG S1X D1NN3RS  


GC: TH3 S4M3 NUMB3R OF CH4MB3RS 1N TH3 W34PON TYP1C4LLY W13LD3D 1N RUSS14N ROUL3TT3  


GC: DO YOU UND3RST4ND TH3 G4M3 D4V3  


TG: youre gonna poison one plate of food  


GC: P3RH4PS! 4R3 YOU BR4V3 3NOUGH TO PL4Y  


GC: T3R3Z14N ROUL3TT3????  


TG: hahaha holy shit great name  


TG: unfortunately me and karkat got plans so youre gonna be down two plates  


TG: and the one in four just doesnt quite seem fair  


GC: >:[[[  


GC: 1 GU3SS 1T W3LL JUST PL4Y 4NOTH3R N1GHT  


GC: WH3N NO ON3 3XP3CTS!  


GC: NOW WH4TS TH1S 4BOUT YOU 4ND MR V4NT4S??  


TG: were having dinner aint anything to it  


GC: HMM  


GC: 1 SM3LL 4 PLOT!  


GC: C4R3 TO SP1LL?  


TG: nah  


TG: all youre smelling is the fucking piquant meal im gonna cook up tonight for completely plot free reasons  


TG: seriously whens the kitchen free  


GC: 1T 1SNT  


GC: W3R3 C4MP1NG OUT UNT1L W3 F1ND OUT  


GC: TH3 PLOT >:0  


TG: mmmmm okay  


TG: ill take the company ig  


TG: and get vriskas input  


GC: YOU DONT W4NT M1N3 >:?  


TG: ill get vriskas  


GC: >:/  


TG: aight okay ill stop by sometime in the afternoon  


GC: H4PPY PLOTT1NG!  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

  


  


==>

  


  
DAVE: hey thanks for meeting me  


KANAYA: Of Course  


KANAYA: When A Fellow Horticulturist Suggests An ‘impromptu rendezvous of the gardening committee’ How Could I Refuse  


KANAYA: What Flora Are We Investigating Today  


DAVE: none actually  


DAVE: you gotta be thinking outside the floral maryam  


DAVE: get your head in the fungal  


KANAYA: I Think Many Would Classify Fungi Under The Flora Umbrella  


KANAYA: But I Catch Your Metaphorical Drift  


KANAYA: What Are We Doing With The Mushrooms?  


DAVE: hopefully just picking them so yours truly can get a choice meal going  


DAVE: i really dont know when or how a mushroom becomes ripe but uh these are good to eat right  


KANAYA: Literally All Alternian Fungi Were Poisonous If Not Equipped With Teeth And Venom So I Am Not Familiar With What Signifies Earth Mushroom Edibility  


KANAYA: But Yes These Appear Similar To Those Rose Harvested Last Time  


DAVE: okay sweet  


DAVE: you think i should use troll onions or human onions?  


KANAYA: Dave I Am Really Only To Be Trusted With Food Still Tethered To The Ground  


KANAYA: Consult Your Moirail  


KANAYA: Or Vriska  


KANAYA: The Two Varieties Appear To Grow The Same To Me But That Is As Far As I Am Fit To Judge  


DAVE: yeah no ill bring both i think vriskas gonna be hanging around  


DAVE: i think thats all i need?  


KANAYA: Glad To Be Of Service  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: hey do you think im like  


DAVE: really overdoing it here  


KANAYA: Dave You Have Not Explained To Me What Is Happening  


DAVE: its nothing  


DAVE: just uh  


DAVE: making some dinner for him  


DAVE: him being karkat  


DAVE: yeah fuck obviously im not gonna be making food for any other him  


DAVE: on a day approximately around a fucking insignificant amount of time from when i asked him to be my moirail  


DAVE: yeah no its really not even that dramatic  


KANAYA: Sounds The Definition Of ‘Chill’  


DAVE: yeah, yeah no it will be  


DAVE: ill just serve him some gourmet homegrown food, chat about our months together, not have a panic attack and then just  


DAVE: just  


KANAYA: Pop The Question?  


DAVE: i—  


DAVE: what?  


DAVE: no  


DAVE: no obviously not  


DAVE: that wouldnt even  


DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: is that even  


DAVE: like do yall even  


DAVE: uh  


DAVE: have moirail marriage?  


KANAYA: Hmm  


KANAYA: Do We?  


KANAYA: You Are The Duly Appointed Romance Deputy Dave This Must Be Your Purview  


DAVE: thats romance sheriff, maryam, this romance town was too big for the two of us and i nabbed karkats romance badge months ago  


DAVE: but  


DAVE: no  


DAVE: you dont got any type of marriage for any quadrant and i know that and the fact that i am even entertaining the inevitable station this train of thought lets off at is evidence that these mushrooms got some kind of brain-fucking spores ive set out into that stale ass meteor air  


KANAYA: Likely  


KANAYA: I Meant The Matespriteship Question Dave  


KANAYA: That Is The Troll Connotation Of The Phrase  


DAVE: it absolutely is not  


KANAYA: Who Is To Know  


KANAYA: Sorry To Infer If That Is Not What You Were Talking Around  


DAVE: i mean um  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: in all likelihood im gonna wimp out or realize im actually epitomizing the most passe romance douchebag ive ever seen and not go through with it  


KANAYA: Dont Undersell Yourself  


KANAYA: Whatever It Is You Have Planned Will Surely Come To Its Intended Fruition  


KANAYA: Disregard The Pun Implications Considering Our Garden Setting  


DAVE: no chance maryam  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: so youve been unnervingly not nosy about this  


KANAYA: Have I  


DAVE: absolutely  


DAVE: gave you like five openings to pry the fuck into my business and youve turned pretty much all of them down  


KANAYA: This Is Certainly An Observation Of My Behavior  


KANAYA: Rose And I Have Discussed How To Identify These  


DAVE: yeah shes given me some tips too  


KANAYA: They Are Very Helpful For Noticing Such Things As The Fact That  


KANAYA: You Talk Quite A Bit More When You Are Unprompted  


DAVE: well shit  


KANAYA: In All Honesty Dave I Received Several A Message From Vriska And Terezi Encouraging Me To Belligerate You In The Chase Of Some ‘UNCOV3R1NG OF TH3 FOOD PLOT’  


KANAYA: My Strategy Proved A Bit More Fruitful  


DAVE: goddammit  


KANAYA: Dont Worry I Am Also Versed In The Importance Of Confidentiality  


DAVE: there literally is not any kind of plot so tell them whatever  


DAVE: but maybe leave out that behavioral observation thing i dont want them to actually know how to interrogate me  


KANAYA: It Is Sort Of The Opposite Of An Interrogation Really  


DAVE: yeah guess so  


DAVE: cant be any kinda closed book when i open that book the fuck up and give yall an illustrated story-time with literally no one asking  


KANAYA: The Story Is Compelling If This Is Any Consolation  


KANAYA: And All Prying Aside From What Ive Put Together This Feels Like A Lovely Plan  


KANAYA: He Will Like It  


DAVE: thanks kanaya  


DAVE: also i just thought of something else come here  


DAVE: like this is for sure veering a mile into sappy but  


DAVE: do you know if karkat likes any of these  


KANAYA: Oh Very Sappy  


KANAYA: (Complimentary)  


KANAYA: I Believe He May Be Partial To The Striped Roarfiend Blooms?  


DAVE: great onell be good right?  


KANAYA: That Should Suffice  


DAVE: thank you so much  


KANAYA: Of Course  


KANAYA: Ill Be Seeing You Then?  


DAVE: yeah take care kanaya  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: wait come back  


DAVE: i cant not ask  


DAVE: when you said all that obvious bullshit about fanged mushrooms you were like  


DAVE: *really* deadpanned  


KANAYA: Well Of Course  


KANAYA: They Felled Many Trolls It Is Not A Laughing Matter  


KANAYA: Nor Is It So Called "Bullshit"  


KANAYA: I Forget These Harsh Truths Are Alien To You When I Convey Them With The Passing Sincerity Of One Accustomed To Such Horrors  


DAVE: yeah about what i was expecting  


DAVE: ill see you around  


KANAYA: All The Best  


  


==>

  


  
VRISKA: How’s the plot coming?  


DAVE: man i dont know why a guy making some ramsey tier food for his moirail has gotta be such a major thing  


DAVE: the dude cooks for me all the time like prolly a third of my meals are straight from the vantas kitchen of dubiously edible cross-species cuisine  


DAVE: hey check this out are these onions done  


VRISKA: Nope!  


VRISKA: And you should turn the heat down 8efore they 8urn  


DAVE: thanks  


VRISKA: Dave, you know that lots of moirails go on d8s, right?  


DAVE: yeah ive picked that up  


VRISKA: So it’s possi8le that just setting up a clearly romantic evening might not convey the message you hope it will  


VRISKA: You’re pro8a8ly gonna have to use your words for this one!  


DAVE: kanaya talked to you?  


VRISKA: You think she needed to?  


DAVE: ha, yeah  


DAVE: alright give it to me straight serket am i being a dumbass cliche about this  


VRISKA: Oh definitely!  


VRISKA: 8ut you’re playing towards your audience, and I respect that, Dave.  


VRISKA: I’ve spent enough time o8serving him in 8ook clu8 to know that someone doing a whole d8/love confession scheme is pro8a8ly enough to get him to flush for anyone, let alone you  


VRISKA: All in all it’s a pretty solid plot!  


DAVE: yeah, guess so  


DAVE: weird way of putting it aside i guess you got a point  


DAVE: loving somebody is sometimes collecting info on what they like so you can make them the kind of happy they make you  


VRISKA: Precisely!  


DAVE: you ever have to plot  


DAVE: for terezi  


DAVE: or have you just like known  


VRISKA: Of course I—  


VRISKA: I me8n, I’ve known her since we were 8arely out of the wriggling caves, I know her 8etter than anyone, o8viously!  


VRISKA: Sure, we had our issues, kid stuff, 8ut it was always *a8out* each other.  


VRISKA: And sure, sometimes now, I feel like I’m missing something,  


VRISKA: like there’s something she’s figuring out th8t’s stressing her out th8t she won’t just tell me 8nd I c8n’t fig8re it out—  


DAVE: i mean have you tried asking her?  


VRISKA: No!  


VRISKA: Ugh! Neverm8nd!  


VRISKA: We can talk a8out it l8r!  


VRISKA: That was all just to say that, yes, I have to think a8out her and how to make her happy, and I want to, 8ut most of it is natural! It was her more than me who even m8naged to get us talking a8out m8spriteship.  


VRISKA: Even though I'd felt it, I had always thought of the cross quadrant thing as just Karkat’s weird 8ullshit!  


VRISKA: I think, honestly, she does a lot more plotting than I do. She’s alw8ys 8een good at putting in work for what she wants. And she’s put in a lot of work! I don’t really get why, honestly, I just hope I’m worth it.  


VRISKA: Um  


VRISKA: it’s.  


VRISKA: Hope *it’s* worth it, I mean.  


VRISKA: Wh8tever ‘it’ even is!  


DAVE: a mystery if nothing else  


DAVE: look i aint the person to make that call  


DAVE: but she sure seems to think you are  


DAVE: and i think if anyones gonna be right about you its gotta be her  


VRISKA: ...  


VRISKA: Yeah, pro8a8ly.  


DAVE: for the record dude  


DAVE: i see where shes coming from  


VRISKA: Thanks  


DAVE: you know i used to think yall just had it easy figuring the whole thing out but  


DAVE: i think i was oversimplifying things in some weird pseudo-projection  


DAVE: no one tells you that it aint all cut and dry, being in troll gay love with your moirail  


DAVE: like now im in a situation where i think i know where everything stands but goddamn that does *not* make actually doing anything about it easier  


DAVE: you know?  


VRISKA: I mean, you’re 8eing dum8asses, duh, 8ut I understand what you mean  


VRISKA: I think  


VRISKA: This is really good, for 8oth of you. Karkat is just const8ntly worrying a8out everything, and someone has to get him out of his incomprehensible spirals of 8ullshit! Calm him down, you know. And o8viously you can do that in whatever quadrant(s?), 8ut that doesn’t mean you should mull in your cowardice and not take action!  


VRISKA: This is the right thing to do.  


VRISKA: ...  


VRISKA: Plus you’re 8oth much more effective team8s when not pining and moping 8round like a pair of flushlorn wrigglers!  


DAVE: hey ill confess to the pining but i dont know shit aout—  


VRISKA: Who cares, shut the fuck up, heyyyyyyyy Terezi!  


TEREZI: H3LLO!  


TEREZI: HOWS TH3 PLOT COM1NG?  


DAVE: one thought between the two of yall, truly  


DAVE: s’all good  


DAVE: phase one (prepping veggies) is going great id say  


DAVE: onions and mushrooms are looking properly nefarious  


TEREZI: 4N 3V1L PLOT! >:0  


DAVE: its all gay crimes  


DAVE: gay crimes and good meals  


TEREZI: L3T M3 T4ST3  


DAVE: yeah okay but the pan is—  


DAVE: alright just stick your hand right in there  


TEREZI: GOOD!  


TEREZI: 4 B1T BL4ND >:/  


TEREZI: 1 COULD 4DD SOM3 3XC1T1NG SP1C3S!  


DAVE: yeah no absolutely goddamn not  


DAVE: fuck up your tastebuds on your own meal  


TEREZI: 1 W1LL!  


VRISKA: Wh8t are we making?  


TEREZI: SW1MB34ST P4RM3S4N!  


TEREZI: 1 FOUND SOM3 34RTH TH1NG C4LL3D C1NN4MON 1 W4NT TO TRY ON 1T  


DAVE: oh my god  


VRISKA: Do you want to use my leftover syrup marinade?  


TEREZI: 4H! Y3S!  


DAVE: hmmmm  


DAVE: fuck it yeah id eat leftovers of that  


VRISKA: If there are any!  


DAVE: folksll be chomping on the bit for it just like that fish youre about to douse in syrup cheese and cinnamon was chomping on a fat hooked worm  


DAVE: and by worm i mean alchemiter cause thats where i assume you got it  


DAVE: its be sweet if we had a fish pond here huh  


TEREZI: M4NY SN4CKS >:]  


DAVE: aight i can clear out of the kitchen in a sec  


DAVE: if yall wanna get started on that horror show of a meal youre planning  


TEREZI: C1NN4SW33T SW1MB34ST P4RM3S4N 1S 4 ST4PL3 OF TROLL CU1S1N3, D4V3.  


VRISKA: Don’t 8e culturally insensitive, Dave.  


DAVE: oh that reminds me  


DAVE: did alternian mushrooms have teeth  


VRISKA: Who told you?  


TEREZI: 1F 1T W4S K4N4Y4, 1T 1S 4BSOLUT3LY TRU3 4ND YOU N33D TO ST4RT B3L13V1NG US  


VRISKA: If it was Karkat, he’s o8viously fucking with you and you really let *him* fool you??  


DAVE: yeah no this did in a roundabout way give me my answer  


DAVE: thanks again vriska for the advice  


VRISKA: Anything for team morale!  


TEREZI: 4R3 YOU 3MB4RK1NG ON YOUR PLOT?  


DAVE: not quite yet but tonight yeah  


VRISKA: Good luck!  


DAVE: hey is that  


DAVE: wishing somebody luck  


DAVE: something you can literally do  


DAVE: like natch i dont need it but uh  


DAVE: aspect wise in the hypothetical is it a luck-based robin hood situation can you steal from some real charmed bastards and impart a bit of luck onto us misfortunate beggars  


VRISKA: I’ve never really tried, actually, not just using the luck myself.  


VRISKA: An investigation fit for a reunion of the fraymotif clu8, I'd say  


VRISKA: Not that you would get any, if I did!  


DAVE: aw what  


VRISKA: You really aren't that luck 8ereft.  


VRISKA: ;;;;)  


DAVE: oooh  


DAVE: huh  


DAVE: thats  


DAVE: thats good then  


TEREZI: Y34H!  


DAVE: huh.  


DAVE: alright im off  


TEREZI: BY3!  


DAVE: hey vriska dont let her poison the food  


VRISKA: No promises!  


  


==>

  


  


\-- carcinoGenecist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

  


CG: DAVE  


TG: sup  


CG: WHY IS THERE A TABLE IN MY RESPITEBLOCK  


TG: so we can eat there obviously  


TG: you hate my room  


CG: I HATE THAT YOU NEVER FUCKING CLEAN IT, YEAH!  


TG: man we dont got time to go into the cleanliness debate right now  


TG: so im letting that one go  


TG: but yeah i figured you wouldnt wanna eat at my place  


TG: but nor did i wanna subject us to the perpetual nosiness of existing anywhere more public than a personal room  


CG: OKAY THAT MAKES SENSE  


CG: SO  


CG: THIS IS AN ACTUAL DATE THEN?  


TG: uh  


TG: yeah no weve been moirails for seven months figured we might as well  


TG: actually go on a date  


CG: I *HAVE* BEEN COUNTING ALL THE MOVIES AND FEELINGS JAMS AS A DATES, FOR THE RECORD. BUT THIS SEEMS A BIT MORE FORMAL?  


CG: AM I SUPPOSED TO DRESS UP?  


TG: man i dont think you own anything remotely fancy  


TG: just wear what makes you happy dude you dont gotta show off for me  


TG: i already like you  


CG: OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP  


CG: I LIKE YOU TOO  


TG: haha yeah man i know  


TG: its gonna be a minute though so dont hold your breath  


TG: i gotta wait for vrisrezi to clear out of the kitchen cause i dont want that cheesy fish stank to fuck up my cooking  


TG: ill lyk when im heading over ok  


CG: ALRIGHT  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGenecist [CG] \--

  


  


==>

  


  
ROSE: It will be fine, Dave. I promise.  


DAVE: i know  


DAVE: i know  


DAVE: but like  


DAVE: fuck this is so dumb maybe i shouldnt do this  


ROSE: Dave.  


DAVE: yeah i *know*  


DAVE: ugh  


DAVE: hey these mushrooms done?  


ROSE: It seems so.  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: maybe i should make something else  


ROSE: And deviate from the singular dish you ever prepare?  


DAVE: hey, slander  


DAVE: i cook for yall once a week like a productive member of this little meteor society and we do not eat this once a week  


ROSE: Oh no, more like once a month.  


ROSE: In any case, it is very brave out you to attempt to cook without Karkat handholding you the entire way.  


DAVE: damn i really like when he holds my hand  


ROSE: I am aware.  


ROSE: Which is why you should not back out of this.  


DAVE: yeah i know  


DAVE: okay look you can tell me to shut the fuck up at literally any point and youll have earned it but  


DAVE: what if im not ready  


DAVE: like fine im gay im pretty comfortable saying that finally  


DAVE: to you at least  


DAVE: but being in a relationship with a dude? thats something wholly different than just being like  


DAVE: conceptually gay  


DAVE: gay in name only  


ROSE: A physical manifestation of your so-far hypothetical gayness, that is the prospect bothering you at the moment?  


DAVE: sorta?  


DAVE: oh to be the token homo in a 90s romcom who never actually is seen having a partner cause then hed veer out of ‘quirky’ and into ‘actually gay’ and thatd upset the audience  


DAVE: except the audience in this case is my own inner homophobe who is real pissed about how much this gay shit (read: my life) is bein forced on him  


DAVE: you get that?  


ROSE: Quite well.  


ROSE: I attempt to give my girlfriend a loving kiss, only to be met with popcorn thrown at the screen and all sorts of highly dated homophobic slurs ringing through the theatre of my mind.  


ROSE: But not often.  


ROSE: And highly of note I find is that said inner homophobe would not calm down, whether or not I had a girlfriend. So I might as well have the girlfriend.  


DAVE: if youre gonna be gay you might as well be gay i guess  


DAVE: but like is it fair to him though  


DAVE: dont get me wrong you and me are pretty with the same page on issues but youre in a whole different library when it comes to dealing with it  


DAVE: and me  


DAVE: i mean fuck its not like im gonna be able to tell people off the meteor that im dating him  


DAVE: cause thats gonna require coming out and who knows how long thats gonna take  


DAVE: so im gonna be in a relationship with him for what three months before i gotta say ‘sorry babe, please help me deceive all of our non-meteor friends about this central and important thing in our lives for an indefinite amount of time’  


DAVE: cause as far as ive come with all of this im still not  


DAVE: like  


DAVE: theres some future version of me who has his shit more together  


DAVE: i really believe that  


DAVE: and i dont know if i wanna offer karkat a version of me that hasnt reached that point  


ROSE: If we must wait until we are the Platonic ideal of our best selves before we can love or be loved, we have very lonely immortalities in front of us.  


ROSE: I don’t think either of us, now or at any point in our lives, could describe ourselves as overall ‘doing great’. But we are, categorically, doing better.  


ROSE: And we have not *gotten* better by avoiding those who would seek to help us.  


ROSE: He doesn’t like you because he sees you as potential for someone great (which, Dave, we might want to unpack any lingering heroism complexes?) He likes *you*. And he will, without a doubt, be willing to work with you to accommodate your anxieties surrounding coming out.  


DAVE: yeah i know but thats almost part of the issue  


DAVE: the dudes self esteem is absolute shit and he doesnt know how to self advocate  


DAVE: im worried hell just go with it even if he aint comfortable for my sake  


ROSE: It isn’t your job, Dave, to enforce other people’s boundaries for them. Your job is to communicate and find where those boundaries lie, and not overstep them.  


ROSE: I meant more, ‘have that conversation about what you will do once we win the game’, not ‘expect him to roll over and be fine with keeping your relationship secret’. And I know you know full well how to have these conversations with him, because you have been, for years.  


DAVE: didnt get good at the conversations until this past year, generously  


DAVE: and yeah i hear what youre saying and i agree  


DAVE: because im super clear at this point on him caring about me and im so fucking happy about that  


DAVE: but like what if  


DAVE: i dunno what if hes just pale for me but like sort of forces himself be flushed for me for the sake of our relationship  


ROSE: Am I the only one between us to remember that he kissed you?  


DAVE: cause i asked him to!  


ROSE: Dave Strider.  


DAVE: yeah no i know  


DAVE: i know i know  


DAVE: youre aware that you are literally the best sibling to ever exist right  


ROSE: This has become known to me, yes.  


ROSE: I expect a cut of the prepared food in payment.  


DAVE: you mean youre not gonna fill up on terezis possibly-poisoned trollfish surprise  


ROSE: The fish stank, ubiquitous even now.  


ROSE: ...  


ROSE: It will go well, Dave. I am sure.  


DAVE: yeah, no, i know  


ROSE: Are you alright?  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: im just uh  


DAVE: a little in my head about this  


DAVE: could you like  


DAVE: i dont know talk about your wizard slash or whatever i need something to think about and right now gay wizards is way better than gay me so  


ROSE: Well, if you insist.  


ROSE: Have I told you the latest about Rah-Zel and Aphaine?  


  


==>

  


  
DAVE: happy anniversary dude  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW SINCE I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING AROUND ALL DAY, I TOOK THE TIME TO LOOK INTO THE WORD 'ANNIVERSARY' AND *APPARENTLY* IT COMES FROM THE SPECIFIC WORD FOR 'EARTH YEAR', AS IN 'COMES ONCE A EARTH YEAR', SO IT CAN'T BE USED GENERALLY FOR THINGS LIKE MONTHS, SO I WAS CORRECT IN SAYING THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, FULL OF SHIT!  


DAVE: aw man cmon  


DAVE: our moirallegiance has gotta be stronger than semantics  


KARKAT: PFFT, SHUT UP, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY  


KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WEREN’T DRESSING UP?  


DAVE: nah dude i said *you* didnt need to dress up  


DAVE: i got so many goddamn suits itd be a waste to not wear them from time to time  


KARKAT: YOU OWN *MULTIPLE* SUITS?  


DAVE: youre telling me yall didnt spend a significant portion of the very limited time you had in game alchemizing all kinds of tight looks  


KARKAT: NO? WHAT THE FUCK?  


DAVE: yeah that was a central thing for us  


KARKAT: IT IS SUCH A GODDAMN MYSTERY, HOW YOU MANAGED TO FUCK UP YOUR SESSION SO COMPLETELY, WHEN YOU CLEARLY HAD SUCH SUPERB TASK MANAGEMENT!  


DAVE: haha yeah who knows  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.  


DAVE: thanks, dude  


DAVE: you too  


KARKAT: OH, FUCK OFF  


DAVE: what?  


KARKAT: NO! I’M NOT FUCKING WALKING YOU INTO THAT ONE!  


DAVE: which one  


DAVE: the one where you say that thats how you dress every day and i say i know  


KARKAT: YEAH, EXACTLY, GREAT JOB!  


DAVE: see man i pay attention to your interests i got them cliches fucking memorized  


DAVE: but seriously let me in this pot is heavy as shit  


KARKAT: OH FUCK SORRY  


DAVE: its chill  


DAVE: you manage to scrounge up some plates and utensils and whatever?  


KARKAT: YEAH, I SET EVERYTHING UP.  


DAVE: sweet were looking like a proper discount date night already  


DAVE: just needs one thing  


DAVE: here  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE A VASE.  


DAVE: oh shit  


DAVE: wait i might got something  


DAVE: we can put water in this?  


DAVE: a-tier gardener that i am i still dont really know shit about flower maintenance post-plucked but i dont see why it makes a difference  


KARKAT: PRETTY SURE THE MAINTENANCE IS JUST WATER, YEAH!  


KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE AN EMPTY JUICE BOTTLE CAPTCHALOGUED?  


DAVE: we aint got trash stations everywhere and i wasnt gonna litter  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: so uh  


DAVE: kanaya said youd like it  


DAVE: the flower not the aj bottle  


DAVE: dont know her take on proper flower decorum honestly she seems like the type to wanna keep hers in soil in pots so  


KARKAT: I DO LIKE IT  


KARKAT: THANK YOU, DAVE.  


DAVE: of course dude  


DAVE: so should we  


DAVE: you wanna like  


DAVE: um  


DAVE: goddamn  


DAVE: tell me honestly dude how obvious is it that i dont know shit about dates  


KARKAT: VERY  


KARKAT: LUCKY FOR YOU, ONE OF US IS AN EXPERT ON THIS SORT OF THING!  


DAVE: alright my all knowing moirail  


DAVE: what first  


KARKAT: YOU COULD FUCKING START WITH THE PROMISED DINNER?  


DAVE: i mean yeah obviously that was always the plan uh  


DAVE: hope its  


DAVE: good  


KARKAT: IT ALWAYS IS, DAVE.  


KARKAT: ASSUMING THIS IS YOUR HUMAN ‘RISOTTO’ AGAIN  


DAVE: man weve been eating this for two and a half years you can chill with the enclosure talons  


DAVE: its a real human word i swear  


KARKAT: YEAH, SURE.  


DAVE: you know  


DAVE: this was the first food i ever learned how to cook  


DAVE: like natch i could do something surprisingly good with instant noodles and whatever decade-old spices we had in the cabinet but like an actual full meal?  


DAVE: this was the first  


KARKAT: I *WAS* ACTUALLY ABLE TO TELL THAT  


DAVE: ha ha okay  


DAVE: yeah turns out not knowing how to do shit isnt actually a personality trait especially when youre doing some collective living kinda thing with five other kids and yalls collective carapacian son  


DAVE: that was really cool of you by the way  


DAVE: teaching us all that  


KARKAT: HONESTLY I THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I MANAGED TO TEACH ANYTHING, EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO STILL BE OPERATING OFF THEIR BASE APTITUDE.  


KARKAT: IS THIS ONE OF THE NORMAL FESTIVITIES OF A HUMAN TIME CELEBRATION?  


KARKAT: REMINISCING ON EVENTS FROM A LITERAL SWEEP BEFORE THE DATE WE'RE CELEBRATING?  


DAVE: yeah thats the norm  


DAVE: but dude it wasnt like  


DAVE: like not even just the first cooking thing it was probably the first *productive* thing anyone had ever taught me  


DAVE: all the music and comic and photography stuff and putting dead shit in jars i taught myself  


DAVE: if you even count that last one as ‘productive’  


DAVE: and literally everything bro taught is an immediate fat-ass check mark in the destructive category  


DAVE: and at the time i wasnt thinking about that  


DAVE: and given theres an inherent kinda dumbassery to me reading fucking symbolism into something that was objectively just a decision of pure social practicality  


DAVE: but in retrospect  


DAVE: i really appreciate it  


DAVE: you  


DAVE: i appreciate you  


KARKAT: OH.  


KARKAT: I  


KARKAT: THAT IS KINDA DUMBASS, YEAH  


DAVE: hahaha yeah it kinda is  


DAVE: youre rubbing off on me dude  


KARKAT: FUCK OFF.  


KARKAT: THAT WAS LIKE A PERIGEE INTO THE TRIP RIGHT?  


DAVE: gotta be right  


DAVE: dont know how much longer me and rose wouldve survived living off snacks and alchemized soda  


KARKAT: BACK THEN I WAS  


KARKAT: REALLY LONELY  


KARKAT: TEREZI WAS STILL BASICALLY FLAT-OUT IGNORING ME — FUCKING DESEVEREDLY! — ME AND VRISKA DIDN'T HAVE BOOK CLUB AS AN EXCUSE TO BE FRIENDS YET, I HAD KANAYA, I GUESS, BUT SHE WAS SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH ROSE, AND THAT WASN’T SOMETHING I WANTED TO INTERRUPT.  


KARKAT: I THINK COOKING WITH YOU AND ROSE WAS THE FIRST TIME I’D HAD *FUN* SINCE...  


KARKAT: SOME NEBULOUS TIME PRE-SGRUB, I GUESS.  


KARKAT: LOW FUCKING BAR, MAYBE, BUT FOR AS MUCH AS YOU WERE AN INSUFFERABLE, BULLSHIT-SPEWING ANNOYANCE, AT BEST, THE FACT THAT—  


KARKAT: I REALLY APPRECIATED SPENDING THAT TIME WITH YOU.  


KARKAT: AND THE TEACHING MADE ME FEEL SOMEWHAT OF USE. HELPFUL. WHICH, WHEN I HAD CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I HAD SOMEHOW SINGLE-HANDEDLY FUCKED UP OUR ENTIRE SESSION AND GOTTEN HALF MY FRIENDS KILLED, WAS SOMETHING I HAD REALLY, *REALLY* NEEDED.  


KARKAT: SO THANKS FOR THAT.  


DAVE: dont gotta thank me for being too self-insufficient to know how to cook  


DAVE: but yeah no dude of course  


DAVE: and just to be clear you know youre like  


DAVE: worth more than the usefulness you can provide to folks right  


DAVE: like i aint courting you to be my house husband  


DAVE: uh  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: haha uh nothing thats not  


DAVE: just saying man you have so much going for you as a person that makes you so damn wonderful to be around  


DAVE: and like even if that was the situation im not saying im any kinda breadwinner so if anything *id* prolly be the house husband  


DAVE: but NOT THAT THAT IS THE SITUATION because we are you know  


DAVE: SIXTEEN YEARS OLD  


DAVE: which is *way too* fucking young to even be thinking about houses let alone what potential husbands may or may not live in em  


DAVE: holy shit i need to shut up  


KARKAT: DAVE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.  


DAVE: literally, literally nothing just a dave typical slip of the tastemuscle we can unpack that later or preferably never  


DAVE: unrelated but remind me to kill kanaya next time we see her  


KARKAT: AS IF YOU COULD TAKE KANAYA  


DAVE: uncalled for  


DAVE: anyway the whole goddamn point that i properly jettisoned myself away from back there  


DAVE: is that im not here cause youre like 'useful' or whatever the fuck like thats not what me — or the rest of us for that matter — want you around for  


DAVE: this aint some friendship trade of good skills  


DAVE: we like you  


DAVE: if that make sense  


KARKAT: IN ALL HONESTY  


KARKAT: NOT REALLY?  


KARKAT: BUT I THINK THAT’S SOMETHING I JUST HAVE TO WORK ON PERSONALLY  


KARKAT: AS A PART OF MY MULTI-FACETED INCOMPREHENSIBLE HYDRA OF AN INSECURITY COMPLEX THAT DOESN’T SEEM KEEN ON DROPPING DEAD!  


DAVE: yeah but imagine the mad loot itll drop when you kill that thing  


DAVE: not really sure what that means  


DAVE: but im always around whenever you do wanna work on it  


KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW, THANK YOU  


KARKAT: THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT IT’S DEFINITELY BETTER.  


KARKAT: WHEN YOU'RE AROUND  


DAVE: speaking of being around you  


DAVE: if youre chill with backtracking a sec  


DAVE: to that whole loneliness bit  


DAVE: i *really* was too  


DAVE: like you were saying all that and it was like damn holy shit me too completely  


DAVE: like terezi wasnt dealing with me, didnt know vriska, so i just followed rose around whenever i could catch her away from kanaya  


DAVE: honestly even then it felt sort of inevitable you and me would be stuck together but i was an avoidant awkward piece of shit with about ten different massive issues  


DAVE: a couple of which werent unrelated to the whole gay thing given you were the only dude clown-excluded, plus my john bullshit at the time, cause like man i had a *lot* of unresolved feelings about the fact that you, a guy, had asked john out but not one bit of that is relevant  


DAVE: point being  


DAVE: thank god rose weaponized my bullshit dependence on her in order to get me to make one other friend  


KARKAT: YOU REALLY WANT TO ATTRIBUTE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO ROSE?  


DAVE: oh god no  


DAVE: at least not where she can hear  


DAVE: which there is a nonzero chance shes doing right now so  


KARKAT: THE WALLS ARE THIN AND WE SHOULDN’T FORGET THAT.  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.  


DAVE: oh what?  


KARKAT: YEAH.  


KARKAT: SINCE YOU COOKED AND PLANNED EVERYTHING  


KARKAT: AND FUCKING *DRESSED UP* HOLY SHIT  


KARKAT: THIS IS FOR YOU  


KARKAT: IT WAS GOING TO BE FOR YOUR WRIGGLING DAY BUT  


KARKAT: JUST TAKE IT.  


DAVE: aw man karkat i didnt get you anything  


KARKAT: YEAH, I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO. I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.  


KARKAT: OPEN IT.  


DAVE: yeah yeah okay  


DAVE: it might take a minute though this is more tape than wrapping paper  


DAVE: howd you even manage this  


KARKAT: MAYBE I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A CHALLENGE, DAVE! MAYBE I WANTED TO SUPPLY SOME MENTAL STIMULATION BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU’RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF IT IF OPENING A FUCKING GIFT CAUSES THIS MUCH DIFFICULTY!  


DAVE: i cant even find where to rip into this okay wait there we go  


DAVE: god damn dude you dont have to do like three layers of  


DAVE: oh shit  


DAVE: karkat  


DAVE: did you make these  


  
  
Over the shredded remains of Karkat’s wrapping attempt, you hold two initially unrecognizable piles of yarn. You spread them out in your hand, and it only takes a second to piece together that this is a set of some scrappy, homemade gloves. Fingerless. All red yarn, except that which lines the openings for the fingers and wrists, which are stitched in a complementary grey.  


You don’t know jack about knitting, besides what you’ve seen from Rose, but you can see where the stitch is looser, more sloppy, and how it gets better up the glove. Like someone might not've gotten it right off the bat but decided it was worth it to try, and try, and eventually it just... worked.  


Your throat is a bit tight.  
  
  


KARKAT: BOOK CLUB HAS — WITHOUT ME HAVING ANY SAY IN THE MATTER — MORPHED INTO PART-TIME KNITTING CLUB TO CATER TO VRISKA’S INABILITY TO TALK FOR FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT SOMETHING OCCUPYING HER HANDS  


KARKAT: SO ROSE IS TEACHING US  


KARKAT: AND I'M FUCKING TERRIBLE AT GIFTS, SO IF I WAS GOING TO BE MAKING SOMETHING ANYWAY I MIGHT AS WELL BELLIGERATE TWO FLIGHTBEASTS WITH ONE SHARPROCK!  


KARKAT: AND I THOUGHT  


KARKAT: YOU *CONSTANTLY* COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING COLD  


KARKAT: AND, MAYBE, FOR ONCE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, I'D LIKE TO HOLD YOUR HAND WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I’M PALE FOR A GODDAMN FREEZECUBE  


DAVE: karkat, dude, i  


KARKAT: I, UM,  


KARKAT: THEY’RE FINGERLESS TO FIT YOUR FULL-TIME DOUCHEBAG AESTHETIC  


KARKAT: MAYBE ALSO BECAUSE, IT TURNS OUT, KNITTING HANDLIMB HOLDERS IS REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT!  


DAVE: haha yeah they prolly are uh  


DAVE: shit  


KARKAT: JESUS FUCK ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  


DAVE: i, yeah, dude  


DAVE: yeah absolutely i just uh  


DAVE: like fuck i had a whole plan of how i was gonna say this but  


DAVE: holy shit dude im just  


DAVE: im ridiculously in love with you  


DAVE: if thats cool  


KARKAT: OH  


DAVE: yeah ‘oh’  


DAVE: and not like  


DAVE: dunno if you know but theres a  


DAVE: theres a specific human connotation its a dumb and kinda arbitrary divide differentiating between—  


KARKAT: DAVE I KNOW WHAT THE HUMAN CONNOTATION IS  


DAVE: oh  


DAVE: okay  


DAVE: so  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: yeah okay cool.  
  
  
Yeah, no, it’s cool. It’s cool. It’s cool, if maybe he ain’t there yet, and it's also cool if that just isn’t a place he’ll ever be, it's fine, you prepped yourself for all the options, and shit, you’re still holding these fucking gloves and your throat is really tight and you're gonna have to step outside for a second cause, shit, the air’s a little thin and it would be massively fucking idiotic of you to freak the fuck out about this, especially in front of him, cause he doesn’t deserve that, and this all makes a lot of sense, honestly, but fuck all that it’s fine, it’s cool, that’s the thing about it. It’s cool. Fuck.  
  
  
DAVE: im gonna. uh. yeah.  


KARKAT: HUH? WHAT ARE—  


KARKAT: OH FUCK!  


KARKAT: I AM TOO! SORRY. I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU.  


KARKAT: SORRY  


DAVE: you  


DAVE: *oh*  


DAVE: i mean yeah of course you uh  


DAVE: holy shit man you cant bury the lead like that  


KARKAT: FUCK, I’M SORRY, I WAS. PROCESSING.  


KARKAT: BUT I AM  


KARKAT: I’M FLUSHED FOR YOU  


KARKAT: IS THE WAY I WOULD SAY IT  


KARKAT: UNLESS THAT *ISN’T* THE HUMAN CONNOTATION YOU MEANT IN WHICH CASE I WILL BE SHOVING MY STOMPPLANE DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH AND THEN PROMPTLY JETTISONING MYSELF INTO THE VOID  


DAVE: hahaha no dude youre good thats  


DAVE: i mean  


DAVE: me too  


DAVE: i am massively flushed for you  


DAVE: you mean it only took two weeks post-smooching for you to figure out what i meant by that  


KARKAT: OH FUCK OFF YOU ARE *LITERALLY* JUST AS BAD  


DAVE: got me there  


DAVE: guess were just deeply suited to each other dumbass tendency-wise  


DAVE: no escaping it  


DAVE: hey could i um  


DAVE: hold your hand  


KARKAT: YOU *REALLY* NEVER HAVE TO ASK, IT'S A BLANKET YES.  


DAVE: i like asking  


DAVE: i like you  


KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW, SHOOSH  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: UH  


KARKAT: I MEAN  


KARKAT: SORRY  


KARKAT: IS THAT...  


DAVE: huh?  


DAVE: oh.  


DAVE: oh yeah we should prolly talk about that huh  


DAVE: we uh  


DAVE: you still pale  


KARKAT: ...ARE YOU?  
  
  
You lean across the table and flick him in the arm.  
  
  
KARKAT: OW!  


DAVE: cmon dude you gotta self advocate  


DAVE: its your whole troll gay thing i wanna know how youre feeling  


KARKAT: HOLY SHIT! THIS IS NOT A SELF-ADVOCACY ISSUE! THIS IS A ‘ME CHECKING WITH MY QUADRANTMATE WHO IS HALF THIS FUCKING DECISION’ ISSUE!  


KARKAT: YOU GET A SAY IN IT, REGARDLESS OF WHAT FUCKING BAGGAGE I HAVE!  


KARKAT: LIKE, I FUCKING UNDERSTAND IF YOUR FEELINGS TOWARDS ME HAVE CHANGED, AND IT’S FINE IF THEY HAVE BECAUSE I *AM* FLUSHED FOR YOU. OR IF YOU NEVER WERE PALE AND IT WAS ALL FLUSHED CONFUSION, THAT’S FINE! I’M NOT GOING TO KEEP YOU IN A BIZARRE CROSS-QUADRANT RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I HAVE SOME BULLSHIT ‘TROLL GAY’ THING!  


DAVE: this is gonna be rich coming from me but man you have gotta stop inventing problems  


DAVE: if i was hearing that right you uh  


DAVE: you are still pale for me then youre just tryin deflect in case im not cool with that  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: YEAH. I REALLY FUCKING AM.  


KARKAT: BUT HONESTLY DAVE, IF YOU WANT TO TRY JUST BEING FLUSHED FIRST, IT’S FINE, I REALLY JUST ENJOYING BEING WITH—  


DAVE: holy shit dude shoosh  


DAVE: shoosh and pap and all of it im pale for you obviously  


DAVE: but that being said im hearing you and what im hearing is a bunch of shit that sounds really familiar  


DAVE: cause as i was saying i am pale for you and i have been this whole time so when we became moirails none of that was flaky deflection bullshit  


DAVE: but the thing you gotta get is that im a human person and, much as i genuinely like this bizarre alien romance thing, im always gonna be seeing and calling my feelings in the human way at first  


DAVE: and dude  


DAVE: ive had a big human gay crush on you for a *year and a half*  


DAVE: and ya know all the human romantic aspects were a little too gay at first so i kinda defaulted to the pale shit  


DAVE: which doesnt mean it wasnt there it really fucking *was* and thank god cause getting to be all cozy physically and emotionally with you in a way that was by nature completely platonic was really fucking key for me to work through all that shit  


DAVE: which is really all to say  


DAVE: despite being into you flushedwise (in addition to pale) (and honestly into you in some ways trolls aint even got words for) at the time i needed our relationship to be 100% pale  


DAVE: even though a part of me always assumed once i inevitably worked through shit we could talk about how much i want to smooch you  


DAVE: so to finally get to my point  


DAVE: i get it  


DAVE: and it is completely fine with me if you wanna stick with keeping our relationship in one quadrant  


DAVE: flushed or pale whatever you want  


DAVE: if you want to take time before throwing yourself into the full trollgay lifestyle thats okay, i can wait  


DAVE: dont force yourself into anything youre not comfy with  


KARKAT: I  


KARKAT: SHIT  


KARKAT: YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO BE THIS FUCKING GOOD AT THIS  


DAVE: there aint any helping it im just smooth as the butter i was gonna bring along with some bread as a side for dinner that im just now realizing i forgot fuck  


KARKAT: I REALLY FUCKING APPRECIATE YOU BEING UNREASONABLY CONSIDERATE AND EMPATHETIC  


KARKAT: LIKE I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I DID TO DESERVE YOU  


DAVE: nothing you gotta do dude you already deserve it  


KARKAT: SHIT LIKE THAT!  


KARKAT: OF FUCKING COURSE I'M IN SOME BULLSHIT TROLLGAY HUMAN LOVE WITH YOU, AND MAYBE THAT'S STILL A FUCKING CULTURALLY BIZARRE THING TO ME, THAT I'M NOT QUITE OVER, BUT MORE THAN THAT FREAKS ME OUT, I WANT THIS! I WANT TO BE YOUR MATESPRIT AND MOIRAIL AND ALL OF IT  


KARKAT: COULD YOU PLEASE JUST KISS ME  


DAVE: fuck yes absolutely  
  
  
There's a scramble as you stand up, immediately knock your folding chair to the ground, and nearly stick your hand directly into the risotto, in the process of crossing the grand three feet separating you and him. He's still sitting, looking up at you — he's so fucking pretty — and you're about to ask if he’s cool with you sitting on his lap, when he grabs you by the brocade-patterened lapels of your fancy ass suit and yanks you to him.  


You think it might, from a technical standpoint, be worse than your first kiss, but about a second in any ability to think technically flies the fuck out of the meteor to chill happily amongst the dream bubbles, cause, holy *shit*.  


The fang thing is just as hot as you expected.  
  
  
DAVE: goddamn dude you said you were flushed i didnt know you were that desperate for a macking  


KARKAT: SHOOSH, HOLY SHIT  
  
  
He presses both hands to your face, smooths his thumbs over your cheekbones. He's smiling. You're close enough that his features aren’t so much clear as comfortably out-of-focus and fuzzy, the lingering tear stains fading into the flush of his cheeks, the scrunch of his nose blurring away into a grey you feel like you could sink into. You let your eyelids fall closed before leaning in to press an off-center kiss to the curved corner of his mouth.  


It’s really fucking good.  
  
  
DAVE: hmm  


DAVE: i really like you dude  


KARKAT: WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK!  


DAVE: you actually cool with it  


DAVE: the whole troll gay thing  


DAVE: like we joke around but i get its a *thing* for you  


KARKAT: IT’S... OKAY  


KARKAT: IT DOES BASICALLY COME DOWN TO WHAT I SAID, I WANT TO HAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU MORE THAN I'M FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT.  


KARKAT: I TALKED TO TEREZI AND VRISKA ABOUT IT, AND THEY MOSTLY JUST MADE FUN OF ME—  


DAVE: yeah that tracks  


KARKAT: —BUT WHAT THEY SAID WAS HELPFUL.  


KARKAT: I MEAN, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN SORT OF, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE CROSS-QUADRANT  


KARKAT: SO IT MAKES SENSE THAT WITH YOU...  


KARKAT: THIS ISN’T NEW FOR ME EITHER. THE WAY I'VE FELT ABOUT YOU, I COULD NEVER EVEN TRY TO WRITE IT OFF AS VACILLATION, BECAUSE IT'S ALL FUCKING INTERWOVEN, LIKE, LIKE IT'S ALL THIS ONE FEELING, AND I CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PALE STOPS AND THE FLUSHED STARTS, IF THAT MAKES SENSE?  


DAVE: said it better than i could  


DAVE: what are you some kinda romance novelist  


KARKAT: PFFT STOP  


KARKAT: THE THING IS, THOUGH, TRYING TO DO MULTI-QUADRANT STUFF HAS *NEVER* GONE WELL FOR ME BEFORE  


KARKAT: PARTLY BECAUSE I WOULDN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATE ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND WAS SHITTY AND CONTROLLING WHICH ALL COMPOUNDED IN PEOPLE JUST GENERALLY NOT BEING INTO ME!  


KARKAT: AND THAT’S FINE!  


KARKAT: THE POINT IS  


KARKAT: I’M WORKING ON IT.  


DAVE: you’re doing alright from where im sitting  


DAVE: i mean youre the best troll boyfriend ive ever had no competition  


DAVE: literally no competition  


KARKAT: YEAH I GOT IT  


DAVE: nah but seriously dude  


DAVE: im really glad youre getting to a place of feeling better about all this cause you really are a great uh  


DAVE: moirail and matesprit  


DAVE: cant wait to check that box on my facebook relationship status  


DAVE: you cool with also using the label boyfriend?  


DAVE: not like replacing the others but just for concision and also cause man i didnt come out to *not* constantly brag about my boyfriend  


DAVE: but we dont gotta  


KARKAT: MOIRAILS AND MATESPRITES AND HUMAN BOYFRIENDS  


KARKAT: I LIKE IT.  


DAVE: aw hell yeah  


DAVE: least till we come up with all kindsa cross-quadrant portmanteaus  


KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT!  


DAVE: haha yeah maybe for a later time  


DAVE: so what do you think did i nail the whole sappy ass cliche date  


KARKAT: YOU'RE WEARING A SUIT AT A FOLD-OUT TABLE.  


DAVE: just like in the rom coms  


KARKAT: IT WAS ALL A BIT ON THE NOSE, OBVIOUSLY, BUT, EMBARASSING AS IT FUCKING IS, OF COURSE I WANT SOMEONE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT DRAMATIC BULLSHIT FOR ME. SOMEONE TO *WANT* TO GO THROUGH IT. AND THE FACT THAT YOU *DID* —  


DAVE: of course man  


DAVE: i get what makes you happy  


DAVE: and i like making you happy  


KARKAT: YOU REALLY DO.  


KARKAT: MAYBE AT SOME POINT IN YOUR IMMORTALITY I'LL FIND A WAY TO MAKE THAT UP TO YOU  


DAVE: man ive told you you already have  


DAVE: where the fuck id be without you  


KARKAT: HONESTLY? FINDING SOME WAY TO BURN A MICROWAVE DINNER, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD  


DAVE: yeah, dude, cheap blow  


DAVE: that kinda slanderings par for the course but i am gonna take it as an insult if you aint gonna eat that food i hand crafted for you  


KARKAT: MAYBE I'D HAVE AN EASIER TIME EATING IF MY MOUTH WASN'T BLOCKED BY THE PERSON KISSING ME EVERY FIVE SECONDS!  


DAVE: oh shit want me to move  


KARKAT: UH, OBVIOUSLY NOT.  
  
  
You turn your face into the warm curve of his neck. His chest moves against you as you exhale, your breath and his almost in sync, and with your skin on his you can feel the slow, steady rhythm of his pulse. You slept well last night, helped by your weighted blanket of a boyfriend, but you feel ready to fall asleep anyway, mind not holding much more than the fact that you can call him that now.  


His fork is in his hand, and for whatever grief you gave him about not eating, you were a bit too anxious earlier to bother with own appetite, and your food is on the other side of the table, far as fuck from the warmth and breath and pulse. You want to stay here. You extend a hand, move to grab the fork he's still holding, and your fingers wrap around his. All calloused skin and sharp nails. His hand turns in yours, and you're expecting him to pull away, but he doesn't. He drops the fork, and laces your fingers together.  


You smile against his skin.  
  
  
DAVE: hey romance expert where does sharing a plate place on the cliche/high-art slider  


KARKAT: GIVEN YOUR PLANNING OF THIS WHOLE EVENING WITH THE INTENTION OF LEANING FULLY INTO THE CLICHE, I THINK YOU KNOW THAT ANSWER!  


DAVE: yeah suppose so  


KARKAT: (IN GENERAL, I THINK IT DEPENDS ON THE QUADRANT. FOR US? OVERDONE TO THE POINT OF BEING PASSE. BUT IT WOULD BE PROPERLY *CINEMATIC* IN A PITCH FILM)  


KARKAT: BUT I DON'T MIND THAT IT IS A MASSIVE FUCKING CLICHE.  


KARKAT: SOME THINGS ARE POPULAR FOR A REASON, IT TURNS OUT!  


DAVE: like good food with a dude you think is cute as fuck  


KARKAT: YEAH, LIKE THAT  


KARKAT: YOU KNOW I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO DEFANG THE MUSHROOMS.  


DAVE: yeah of course i—  


DAVE: wait what did you say  


DAVE: that doesnt  


DAVE: ohhh  


DAVE: okay  


DAVE: i get it  


DAVE: didnt expect to see you and kanaya in cahoots tonight  


KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT KANAYA?  


DAVE: ha ha good one yall are plotting against me  


DAVE: thats funny and i respect you  


DAVE: but i caught you out you didnt pull one over on me i know bullshit when i see it  


DAVE: yall are screwing with me  


DAVE: right  


KARKAT: I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.  


KARKAT: YOU REMEMBERED TO REMOVE THE VENOM GLANDS TOO, RIGHT?  


DAVE: karkat  


DAVE: babe  


DAVE: alternian mushrooms didnt really have teeth they couldnt possibly  


KARKAT: IT'S REALLY GOOD RISOTTO, DAVE.  


DAVE: dude  


DAVE: please  


KARKAT: THANK YOU FOR DOING ALL THIS.  


DAVE: you are incredibly welcome and welcome again for me not walking out of our first date in search of answers since my moirailmatesprit is so goddamn reticent to keep me from losing my head over this  


DAVE: this definitely fake thing i am not falling for  


KARKAT: YOU'RE A GREAT BOYFRIEND, DAVE.  


DAVE: yeah  


DAVE: seems like i am  


  


==>

  


  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

  


TT: I am taking the radio silence as a good sign, though you must understand that the conversation over Terezi’s signature possibly-poisoned dessert-style cheesefish has been at least somewhat skewed in anticipation of a sort of reveal here. We are a proper consortium of nosy bitches.  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

  
TT: Ah, and the mystery perpetuates.  


TT: Assuming all is well,  


TT: I really am so happy, for the both of you. You deserve this, you know?  


TT: Send Karkat my love.  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist[TT] \--

  


TG: hey rose  


TT: Good evening.  


TG: yeah  


TG: it really fucking is  


TT: I am delighted to hear.  


TG: thank you  


TG: for you know  


TG: the messages but also literally everything  


TT: Of course.  


TT: I assume I’ll hear the whole story at some point, but how are you?  


TG: really fucking good  


TG: i dont know its like, it felt like this was inevitable but at the same time  


TG: i felt like i would never get to have this  


TG: fuck rose im getting too sappy i think youre gonna have to kill me  


TT: Surely we made some pact, that if you ever started speaking like a character out of a dime historical novella, I would put you out of your misery.  


TT: But there doesn’t seem to be much misery here.  


TG: no misery at all  


TG: i asked him to get apple juice so we can toast  


TG: so fucking dumb  


TG: god i love him  


TT: That is, indeed, beautiful.  


TT: Enjoy the dawn of your new relationship.  


TG: its crazy how it isnt even new  


TG: like its this relationship weve *been having* and it isnt even that different but its just  


TG: like its all out there now  


TG: emotional honesty huh  


TT: Working miracles on meteor.  


TG: plus i can kiss him now which like hell yeah  


TG: and hes here so im gonna go do that now bye rose  


TT: Goodnight, Dave.  


TT: I will alert the consortium of the good news.  


TT: ;)  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my favored portmanteau, for the record, is matesprails
> 
> i really, *really* don’t know what to say here. first of all, thank you, so fucking much, to everyone who has read this, left kudos, and especially written me lovely comments and/or theses on troll romance. and thank you for waiting! i had get-together scene written over the summer that i had intended to use, but given that was 2k and this is a staggering 9.4k words, you might imagine a thing or two had to get changed. i wanted a confession scene that felt natural, but also i am not beyond wanting a grand conclusion featuring the whole cast
> 
> although this is always going to be, for me, *the* davekat fic i write, i have more planned/drafted/half-written, so stay tuned! im also 7k into my Rose Fic and have a couple more casual rosemary things planned, as well as some vrisrezi stuff is i ever figure out how the Fuck to write vriskas dialogue. (i tried. i did. she is by far the most difficult of them for me to write). and like plenty more gen found family bullshit, obviously
> 
> a couple notes
> 
> -implicit tie between rose really overdressing for her first date and dave really overdressing for his. dave takes a lot of his gay cues from rose.
> 
> -‘fraymotif clu8’ is a kinda-obsolete reference to that unreleased scene i have half-written talking, in which vriska recruits dave to make a light/time fraymotif so that she can go back short periods of time — without offshoot timelines and dead vriskas — in order to attend all the clubs on the meteor. bitch is desperate to be included in Everything. a fact she refuses to admit.
> 
> -listen to sober to death and/or bodys by car seat headrest. those two songs, at different times in the writing process of this and my other davekat fic, have been my singular brain cell and it felt unfair to not credit them as the unintended inspiration they are
> 
> i think at this point i need to stop apologizing and resign myself to the fact that i am a Long Note Author. and this is condensed. speaking of not shutting the fuck up, a bitch finally got a [tumblr!](https://precalamity.tumblr.com/) yeah, in 2021, i know. i prolly wont be on it much, beyond posting some of my hs art and reblogging some high tier humor, but please stop by and say hi if youd like!! i really genuinely honestly would love to talk to yall
> 
> again, thank you, thank you, thank you. ive written a lot of fic in my time, on a lot of different accounts, but i think this is the most personal and thought-inducing piece ive ever worked on. its been a pleasure! i really hope you enjoyed, and see yall around!

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to the soapbox! buckle your seatbelts for troll romance and friendship and love and the process of coming out to a bunch of aliens.
> 
> but seriously thank you so much for reading!! i would love to hear your thoughts so far, please feel free to argue with me about the nuances of troll romance!!
> 
> love you all, goodnight!!


End file.
